| 19 apr 2001 last night i was cut from the san jose taiko (SJT) audition process. as i went into the room, i briefly considered the fact that i shouldn't assume that i would go on just because i had four years of experience already.� i knew that the more important looming issue was my commitment to the group and whether i actually _wanted_ to play with them. but as i heard the words "we recommend that you do not continue on to phase II," i kind of fell in a shock.� i've never been cut from anything in my life.� granted, i'll admit that this wasn't as important to me as getting into academic decathlon, getting accepted to harvard, MIT, and stanford, getting into stanford taiko, or landing my first two jobs... but i've always had a high opinion on my skills and being able to succeed in audition-type processes. see, the thing is, i can't say that i really wanted to join SJT.� what i really wanted was just to play taiko.� that's the simple fact.� so in a way i started off the audition kind of using SJT as a means to satisfy my cravings for playing.� and i was honest about my intentions to maybe someday play with shoji and kris, and the fact that SJT would be a kind of stepping stone for my development. but, i think that they didn't know that as time passed, that wasn't really the plan anymore.� the dream of playing with shoji and kris is currently just that... a utopian consequence if everything in my life works out just right.� but the stark reality is that i most likely won't retire any time soon, and i'll continue just being an engineer out here.� so SJT is the ultimate compromise.� and although the word "compromise" sounds bad, it isn't really so because it's just the realistic and practical solution for the fact that i don't want to live without taiko. i was instructed last night to take the rest of the year off and distill my intentions about what i want from SJT and whether i really had the desire to play with them specifically.� the problem is that i really feel that i need to see more of them to make an informed decision.� because i've played taiko before, i know what i will like and what i won't like.� so i want to meet the performing members and see if i have any chemistry with them.� i want to see the repertoire and see if i can envision myself not just playing their songs, and playing them with a sense of passion. whereas my first foray into taiko was flat-out diving into the scene head-first, my second was more conditional.� i didn't want to waste their time or mine if i didn't like the group.� but damn, i wasn't allowed to even make that decision before i was cut. the ideal thing was to have the cuts after their spring concert, because that concert was the landmark that i was planning on using to gauge my potential place in their group.� but the concert is next weekend, and cuts were yesterday.� shit.� the timing was all off. i think the thing that killed me was my past experience.� and the fact that _i_ had my own expectations of what i wanted.� most other people who auditioned were much more pure in their intentions.� i gather that they just really wanted to play with SJT.� but for me, i was coming from an extraordinary group experience at stanford, and i kind of had expectations of recreating that for myself.� and among a new crowd with new songs, i got sort of tentative and held back my judgment until i had enough to go on. i can understand that SJT, being a semi-professional group, wants dedicated and "permanent" fixtures because they don't tolerate people coming and going as well as college groups, where the flux of people is a given.� i get that.� and i can see why they want people to be committed early because it would be a waste of time to sink resources into people who don't stay. but i just don't see why they couldn't take a chance on me.� why they couldn't understand where i'm coming from and why i was being tentative.� i think i'm a reasonable person.� i called up a few friends of mine as i was driving home from practice, and they could relate to my holding back until spring concert. i hate not being understood.� that's probably the biggest frustration i have with life. i will say this... today, my desire to play with SJT is not as great as my need to play taiko itself. but, who's to say that that won't change if i had the opportunity to see what the group is really like.� now i'll never know, will i?� i hate not being allowed to explore my options. i thought that it was a glaring statement that i wasn't crushed when i found out i was cut.� but then again, i couldn't sleep last night, and all i had last night were taiko dreams.� and today, i've been going over these thoughts in my head over and over, just itching to rush to the office to type this entry.� so obviously it does mean something to me. so after i see their concert, and i decide they're a rad group then what?� i wait until _next_ year to start a TWO year audition all over again?� fuck. a side anecdote: my taiko buddy sonya, who's done the SJT audition before, said that she envisioned me going on to phase II, learning some songs, and then dropping out after i decided that SJT wasn't for me.� maybe.� maybe not.� *shrug*� but i just want to thank her for listening to me on the drive home. at least i got this off my chest.� i hope i can at least focus on something else now. |