| 9 apr 2001 anticipation. i want my camera NOW! even if i don't have any subjects to photograph, i love playing with new toys! i've been reading reviews (both good and some bad) of my camera, and i'm literally shivering with excitement. heh. and the camera is SILVER. i'm one of those people who'll actually read the instruction manual before i start tinkering with an object. i mean, i do have enough intuitive sense to figure out for myself how to use something, but the control freak inside of me HAS to know every single feature that exists. or else i feel like i'm missing something crucial that would greatly add to my satisfaction. i have a feeling that this camera thing is going to be my next great fad. well, not just a fad, but a change in my lifestyle. i plan to carry it around everywhere. writing this journal has changed my perspective on how i view my life. everything now is evaluated on its "journal-worthiness." it's like i have this sensor in my brain that tracks all incoming thoughts and ideas and images and tags them with whether or not i'll write about them. it's added a new dimension to my life. i've adopted a journalist's point of view. and the camera will be another tool for me to use. the only other thing that's altered my perception of life is taiko. it adds rhythm awareness to everything i do. i listen to everything, and i analyze how the sounds form. like when i walk. or the laundry machine starts rumbling. or when i type. and other obvious times like when i'm listening to music. i'm like one of those drum majors in high school who can't stop tapping their fingers to a beat. one thing though... i will not let journal writing and documenting rule my life like it did freshman year at stanford. i think it's very valuable to look back on the past and draw some conclusions from it, but i have this tendency to overdo it. just look at all my thoughts on kristie. i don't think it's healthy. my life is constant reminder that the present and the future are what really matters. even if the past is a more comfortable and safe place to dwell. my friend jeremy last night remarked on how life has kind of changed to where we're always looking to merely "make it through" the present to some future destination. like the way i just try to get through my week so i can get to the weekend. or how i'm just trying to make it by the upcoming two weeks until the next big event, stanford taiko's spring concert. when did life and the present get to be such a nuisance? what happened to those times when every single day was exciting, and i always looked forward to finding out what cool shit would go down? hrmph. i working life that boring? has the honeymoon with the present ended for me already? or is it an inevitable part of the grind in the daily goings on of a soul-less engineer? something's amiss here. we'll see come june when i move out. i have this feeling that a change is in order. and i can't really believe i just said that, because i am one of the most change-averse people out there. stasis is my friend. i took some serious impetus (like all of my buddies leaving) for me to quit my last job at teralogic. and if jeremy hadn't gotten married, i would have been perfectly content to live with him and alan indefinitely at 128 brenton. hm. i think things will also change when i ramp up with my time with san jose taiko. at its max, it'll be three nights a week. that's a lot of time commitment. but it'll give me something to do besides getting more and more ensconced in my current tv schedule during the week. hey! i wonder if my boredom is directly correlated to how much i shop! come to think of it, i haven't really bought anything besides my camera and my stupid running shoes. accumulation of material goods is always a great way to add some immediate newfangled gratification. *ponder* but really, i've stopped shopping. i don't need anything. and the more stuff i buy, the more shit i'll have to pack when i move. every time i think about moving, i start to panic when i remember the state of disarray that's occupied my room. argh. i know i worry too much. ----- last night, i felt really grateful that my tourette's is under control now. it's amazing. i mean, only six months ago, i was in a state where i was afraid of doing anything out in the open. i can't remember how it feels, though... to be petrified with fear of going to a movie theater or a crowded restaurant. even driving on the highway freaked me out. how was i so fucked up back then? and how much of a miracle is it that i am totally fine now? WOW. it was a pretty crazy time of my life... the past 6 years or so, when my TS came back, gradually getting worse to the point where i had those awful nervous breakdowns. the mind is a fragile, mysterious, powerful thing. sanity is something we all take for granted too often. havine been INsane, i can appreciate not being messed up in the head. one my biggest fears is that it'll happen again. i think everybody should experience what it's like to be psychotic. it's something quite grand, in a gruesomely warped and distorted way. who needs drugs when you've got tourette's? |