| 6 jun 2002 i'm slowly losing the ability to wake up early. i wonder if it's because i'm accumulating all this sleep debt, but now i've developed the ability to sleep through my alarm, which is surprising because for the longest time, i couldn't do that. i'm not so excited about the website stuff today. in fact, i sort of wish i didn't start the ball rolling. i just don't want to have to deal with another "thing"... you know, something to work on, something to maintain... i find that my life is getting more and more high maintenance, and i just don't have time for this shit. it was just a big push of momentum, i think. it's not a coincidence that the whole web thing was right after the living room redecoration; it's all big movement to "upgrade" my life... like, while jay and i were living together, we just got by on bargain furniture, and i was in this mode to spend as little money as possible. so for example, i just threw my books in two piles in the corner of the living room. but once he moved out, i just got this weird fixation on making the place more spiffy. did i need to? no. if anything, i should have gotten more slobby because it's not like anyone one else was living there. *shrug* so anyways, i think the whole impetus to the website was just another manifestation for me to make my life more presentable. and now i've kind of lost the urge. part of it is laziness. and ignorance. and fear. the last one might be more surprising, but basically i don't want to have a blog and not do it well. the current super-lo-fi version of my journal is pretty shamelessly ugly. but i just type and type, and the whole point is what i write, not how it looks. but now, i don't like the way i write, i don't have anything good to say, and if i make it "prettier," then it'll be that whole "style over substance" thing that i hate, etc. maybe i'm just having a bad day. or maybe i've been staring at one too many blogs that either look really cool or present great content, (the latter was the result of me browsing through the diarist award winners) which gives me a heavy dose of journal-envy. it's times like these that i lose sight of the practical reasons why i keep this thing. ----- here's an excerpt from an essay about why we should travel: "Travel is how we put a face and a voice to the Other and step a little beyond our secondhand images of the alien. it is, in fact, how we learn about the world and come to terms (and sometimes peace) with it. All the information in the world on our flashing or high-definition screens cannot begin to convey the feel and smell, the human truth, of another culture." um. wow. maybe i really *should* start blogging. this was more interesting back on sunday when i e-mailed it to myself. i really want some sushi right now. anyways, kristin seems to have gone crazy with her journals. aside from her regular journal, she has gotten a diaryland journal AND a blog. in the latter, she writes: I don't wanna lose my independence to a boy. I know better than that. I know serious relationships consist of compromise and give and take but I just want to make sure I'm fully insulated from hurt. But it's also about taking risks so I should just give in a little and enjoy it, because it takes two to make it work and it would only be fair to be a little vulnerable too if he's also doing it. hm. this isn't pity or charity, but i feel bad. we don't feel vulnerable as a "tit for tat" treaty. we choose to feel vulnerable in relationships because that's what makes us closer to the other. i am always a little suspicious of people who limit (either consciously or unconsciously) the extent of their emotions, as if they have this transparent acrylic cube around their hearts that's just big enough to let it swell a bit, but not expand all the way. it makes me think, "there *must* have been some sort of past trauma. the natural state of a human being is not like this." so maybe i have never been fucked up in a relationship. maybe i've never been gloriously dumped or betrayed. or suffered through a severe episode of loss. and that's why i still believe in being vulnerable. maybe if i'd been hurt over and over again, i too would become a full-body scar, shielded by thick, knotted, tough flesh. ----- the other day i had this flash of appreciation for my ex's. because they supported certain habits of mine that were either destructive or perverted or whatever. for example, i had (and still have) this fascination with plucking hairs. but the thing is, most cheap tweezers you get at supermarkets and cheesy beauty stores are terrible. so one christmas, k2 got me this compact grooming set from nordstrom's, and it came with a pair of tweezers that has since become my favorite bathroom accessory. and then there was the whole _starcraft_ obsession, where i would play like 8 hours a day on the weekends and stay up until 3am on weekdays on this silly game. the little group that i played with online was dubbed "homewreckers" because of its domestic destructiveness. and yet, despite the fact that it seriously put a cramp on my friendships and relationships, k2 drove all the way to milpitas to get me the _brood war_ expansion set. and k1 knew about my fascination with sex fairly early on, i.e. hajime sorayama. so one day, she got me this beautiful book... it was enveloped at the waist with a tight plastic jacket, and the cover was all white except for a green dot with an arch over it. yup, it was _the fermata_. the book was about a guy who can stop time, and when he does, he takes off women's clothes. and thus began my fascination with the author, nicholson baker. so stuff like that makes me happy. growing up with my family, i was never big on gifts, but having girlfriends who made gift-giving an artform was definitely a pleasing experience. well, it was pleasing when i was on the receiving end. it was the reciprocating action that stressed me to no end (i think i've established why in the past). the perks and peeves of living high maintenance style. i know i rant about it often, but i am far from being unappreciative of the flashes of brilliant thoughtfulness that i've been treated to. i know that most of the time i don't seem grateful for my ex's, but i really am. ok. time to play basketball. i hate this scorching weather. last night, i went to sleep in an unbearable 81 degrees. |