| 30 may 2002 so right behind one of the urinals in the bathroom, there's this sign that says "DO NOT USE." but there is obviously piss in the yellowy water. what is up with that? i totally fell asleep on the drive back from lunch. i had this thai dish that was hella spicy, and i was sweating like mad while eating it. maybe the exertion was too much for me, and coupled with the food coma, the meal just put me out. i haven't felt this drowsy since my semi-depression. diane lane. wow. she's pretty hot. but in that warm, wise, mature way. she and sela ward have turned me on to older actresses. quite unlike kim cattrall types, who try to hard to be sexy but come across as just older desperate ladies. reminder: i must catch _unfaithful_ before it leaves the theaters. another girl i noticed on tv was ann werner, a reporter for espn. her lips move kind of funny, but she's cute. a nice contrast to fox sports' lisa guerrero, who is the standard "hot" girl that the network is obviously using to get more guys to watch. so in the past year or so, there have been some significant events in my life. one notable one is the online journal, which provided a new outlet for my need to document things. plus, it's also presented some cool social outlets, like the whole "i-group" phase last summer and the bowling nights with mike. even though i may not hear from my readers in a given day, writing these entries feels like a social outlet because i know people are keeping up with me. another important event was getting into photography. well, i'm not really "into" it, but taking pictures has definitely become a non-negligible part of how i document things. it's really nice to have visuals along with all this text, and with my new camera, i am hoping to be able to take pictures that i'd actually want to print out and frame. and then came the iMac. the standard utilitarian aspects of having a computer haven't been enriching, but the biggest addition it's given me is access to my music. since i rarely spend time in my bedroom (where my stereo is), i had pretty much lost contact with all the music i have. and after spending those three weeks to rip my favorite songs onto my iMac's hard drive, listening to a particular song is simply a few clicks away. and the fourth thing is the realization that i now have my own place. as much as i loved having jay as a roommate (and roommates in general), i think that i am a better person in certain ways when i have sole responsibility of my living quarters. i actually cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed these past few days, and even though it doesn't sound like much, it's a big thing, really. the new ikea setup is really growing up, especially the bookshelf, which is fabulous. and last night, i had a quiet hour in my newly designated reading nook, which consists of a beanbag and a sleek silver lamp behind it. (well, there was supposed to be an end table there, too, but i shattered it.) and while i read my _time_ with the iMac warbling out some nice jazz from the _kissing jessica stein_ soundtrack, i had this clear moment where i thought, "i like this. i really do." ----- i've been perusing some other blogs lately. part of it has to do with the fact that some of the current ones i read don't update nearly as frequently as i would like, but anyways, the point is that i kind of got envious of some people. because they seem to have culture, or that vague thing i am going to call "intellectual awareness." i have a weird complex with perceived "culture." basically i don't think i have it. i grew up knowing little else besides my studies. being in an asian immigrant family had something to do with it. living in a conservative suburb of dallas also made a contribution. but the person who turned my whole upside down was k1. i went through crazy inferiority complexes next to her because she was just so um, aware of stuff. art, music, fashion, literature, etc. basically, she had culture and i didn't. (i'm not saying that i had proper perspective on my insecurities, by the way.) so yeah, in the end it comes down to the fact that i too want to be hip and cool and "intellectually aware," but i'm too lazy/stupid to get there. and i have this warped view that you can't really *acquire* culture in an acceptable way. because if you do, you'll look like a total poseur. pretentious in that "i'm trying really hard" way. kind of like the nouveau riche; sure, it looks kind of nice, but it's mostly a sham, without any history or authenticity. one of the side effects of all of this is my intense interest in pop culture. because it's doable. because that is accessible to everybody. because it's not esoteric or anything, and it's easily digestible. speaking of which, i saw this ad in the paper for an andy warhol exhibit and got all excited. but then i realized it was in LA. motherfucker! ----- i am currently waffling as to how relationships should start. i basically have two ideals that are pretty much mutually exclusive. on one hand, i have this affinity towards the situation where you meet somebody, and you're just totally absolutely obssessively smitten. and then you hop on that crazy rollercoaster where life begins and ends with that person. and then there's the notion that you become friends at first, then, slowly, the affection just grows naturally. and one day, things just fall in place, magically and inevitably. seems kind of sweet in a storybook way. it seems the first situation is unsustainable. i mean, eventually everything becomes anticlimatic, and then it's an issue of being able to adjust from the intense passion to the much tamer level of comfort, familiarity and security. i kind of want to get into a big discussion about this, but i don't think my thoughts are clear enough on this matter. and my writing skills as of this moment aren't capable of capturing what i want to say. hm. all of that just means that i don't even know what i think about it. my quick response is that i want it all. so yesterday i was talking about the whole "treat me like a queen" deal and how i was so turned off by that. after getting a viewpoint from enjelani, i kind of distilled it down to the simple fact that i hate the idea of spoiling somebody. because doing so is inviting that person to take you for granted. very few people can get away with being heavily pampered and still maintaining a sense of perspective and appreciation. most would just come to expect that kind of treatment after repeated exposure. it's a bad disease to have. it's a tough job, trying to keep expectations down to a minimum. especially when things are good. after meeting k2 for the first time, i e-mailed her a long list of my pre and post-meeting impressions of her. and then i asked her to do the same. her list was much shorter, and today i don't remember any of it, except one phrase: "someone who would treat his girlfriend like a queen" i don't think i tried to come across as that person. curiously, now i wonder if k2 was not so much writing down what she saw in me, but more what she wanted herself to see. |