| 29 may 2002 i usually look forward to writing on the 2nd day of the week because the first entry of the week is always a long mundane recap of the weekend. i mean, yesterday's entry had some stuff that went beyond simple exposition, but it's buried beneath all that text. *blech* i need to come up with a name for those silly bored stupid people who waste their time signing my guestbook with insults, e-mail me huge blank e-mails, etc. i need one word to refer to them by... hm. but anyways, some dude signed my guestbook yesterday with: i bet dumb 'ol dardy goes to adult websites and pay with a credit card in them. i just laughed. how can i respect your insult if you have bad grammar? if you want to say something mean, you have to do it right! otherwise you just look ignorant. and i'm not sure exactly what's so degrading about paying for porn sites. i actually did pay for one years ago. it was called pinksniper. i completely forget why i was interested in that particular site, and the only thing i remember is that after i paid, i realized that the stuff they had was totally crap. and there was some really disgusting shit that really scared me away. i think i cancelled a few days after. i decided a while ago that computer porn is not interesting in the titillating sense. there's something about watching something on a computer screen that makes it completely numbing, as compared to an older medium. the same thing goes with trying to watch movies on computers... my first dvd player was on my computer, and after trying a few times, i just gave up trying to enjoy the experience. thanks to barden, here's an article about how stanford's incoming freshman class is over 50% minority for the first time. you might think it was probably due to an increase of asian-americans, but in fact they were the one minority demographic that decreased from last year. after being out here in california, i have adjusted to a level of overabundance as far as asian people go. whenever i go to another place (i.e. back home to dallas), i am constantly aware there are very few asians around. funny to think that i had no problems during the 10 years i grew up in texas, and now when i go back i am totally self-conscious. you know what makes me feel ill? that shane company diamond guy who has that flat monotone voice, and then he busts out something like, "show your woman how much you love her with a 1.5 carat solitaire." *pukes* i'm not even going to rant about it, but just say that the whole "diamond = $$$ = love" is one of the most nauseating notions ever. i have a wishy washy feeling towards conventional thoughts. on one hand, i think that we *need* guidelines for how to go about doing things, how to behave, because if each of us had to figure out everything on our own, we'd be overwhelmed. (this same vein of thinking also goes to explain why i think our minds need stereotyping and generalizations.) however, on the other hand, it's so easy to just go along with the masses and do something that is completely inane but "valid" just because everybody does it. (ah, diamonds!) so what to do... i think i have strong opinions against conventional thought sometimes, but i'm definitely not totally aware on every issue out there. so i'll fight my little crusades here and there, but i'm sure that a lot of what i do will still be the generic mass-approved method. sigh. empathy. are humans truly capable of empathy? i mean, when somebody has a problem, we can comfort and console, we can worry for them, but can we truly feel what they are feeling? i mean, the other people's plight may cause remind us of a similar situation we were in, thus triggering some sort of emotional response, but... i dunno. i'm not sure if i can be physically capable of true empathy, and if this incapacity extends to all people. hm. empathy seems to be some sort of elusive x-men mutant power to me. i'm probably wrong, though. so we were talking about height last night. as in "what's a good height for you to date?" and while one friend of mine likes much shorter girls, i have very fond thoughts for the 5'10" range. yes, it's all because of k1, and that whole "when we hug she rests her chin on my shoulder" deal we had going on. and plus, i really enjoyed that "twin towers" look that we exuded. ah... the memories. but back to my point, i decided that the only real criteria i have for height is whether kissing can be done standing up in a comfortable fashion. i.e. i don't have to hunch like crazy. that's about it as far as the issue goes. so starting in junior high, i had this habit of finding celebrities that resembled my crushes. e.g. my junior high crush patricia was like paula abdul (in her cuter days), and sabrina was like laura san giacomo, etc. i don't do this any more, but after watching some _sex and the city_, i decided that k1's celebrity equivalent is bridget moynahan (natasha, mr. big's fiance/wife). do women really wanted to be treated like a queen? i've heard that term a lot, and i've wondered why that's so desirable. i mean, the whole royalty imagery suggests to me that the other person acts like a sycophant. like "oh, you're beautiful, i will do anything for you, i will lay myself prostrate in flaming broken glass for you" blah blah blah. no, seriously. i would get so bored with someone like that. do i want to be respected? yup. loved? fuck yeah. but flattered and accomodated to hell in megahighmaintenance fashion? no thank you. scarf girl just mentioned that girls want to be treated with thoughtfulness and affection. but isn't that a GIVEN? if you don't have that at the very least, then what are you in the relationship for? it's the ingratiating aspect of treatment that i'm bitching about. my current mode thinking is that i really crave someone who challenges me. someone who has a mind of her own and who isn't afraid to let it out. i don't want a sponge! and yet, i don't want to be constantly debating. a nice heated discussion is good from time to time, but i know that i am also a big champion of peace and harmony, too. hm. i wonder how i'll be able to balance that one out. ooh. hungry. i find it amusing when i realize i can influence complete strangers' actions without talking to them or even making eye contact. case in point: while i was standing in line at _star wars_ on saturday, there was this teenager trying to look bad ass in his oversized nike track jacket and GLOVES. he walked up smoking a cigarette, but soon after, the mousy "i'm such a fucking queen and i have this green shawl to prove it" woman in front of me told him to stand farther away because she was allergic to smoke. so after a while, the kid pulled out another cigarette. but he was afraid to smoke it, as evidenced by the fact that he just held it in his hand for like half an hour. so, i made an obvious gesture of pulling out my own, and (after making sure i was downwind from the woman) lit up. seconds later, the kid ignited his own cigarette. ah, the social psychology of influence. |