| 22 may 2002 "i bomb the mic like a fascist, mussolini comin' through with no remorse, from the dark you won't see me. rise up from the sea like a godzilla straight up through your mind with my armour plated drilla. i don't give a fuck what you think about this shit, ain't in it for the money never out to make a hit. if you can't take it like i said get a grip 'cause i'm here to fucking stay like the warts on your dick." warts on your dick, huh. hm. i'm tempted to say that this verse from quarashi's "stick 'em up" is cooler heard that read. holy shit, man. these lyrics websites launch some nasty pop-ups. this time, they bombed my whole screen with some casino application that begged to be downloaded. so the warranty card on my camera says: this warranty does not cover cosmetic damage or damage due to acts of god, accident, misuse, abuse... acts of god? when they did put this phrase in? what constitutes an act of god? how vague is that? given his onmipotence, couldn't you qualify everything that happens in this world as such? but... did you notice? i got my CAMERA today! yup. tina walked in with two big boxes of stuff (poor girl had to walk it over from the next building), and i gladly took them off their hands. lots of foam peanuts! granted, the unpacking orgasm was nowhere near as great as when i opened my iMac, but still... i'm hella excited. i'm tempted to take it out for a spin today, although i don't quite know where to go. and besides, there's _felicity_ to watch. speaking of tv, i am really looking forward to freeing myself from my weekly viewing schedule. last week, thursday nights became free when _friends_ ended, and as the days tick off last week and this week, i'll have no required events after tonight! the first thing that this is good for is so i can stay at work later. i have a shitload of stuff to do (this verification is much more intensive than i thought), and given some problems i've created at the company (which i am declining to talk about), i definitely need to apply myself more. but... aside from that, what am i to do with all my free time? i think i shall read. i haven't picked up a novel since that milan kundera debacle, and now is a good time to soak in another novel. and the other activity is to go somewhere at night and take some photographs. but that takes more work (i.e. driving and such), so i'm less keen on that. i'm looking at the two boxes in my cube with this brand spanking new camera equipment, and is it a bad sign that i don't feel safe leaving it here when i go to lunch? what does that say about my sentiment towards my coworkers? or am i just being paranoid? new things excite me. and recently, i've been thinking about how that is a bad thing. why? because i have a short attention span. or to put it in a bad way, i get bored easily. one of the key things i need to figure out is how to be comfortable with stasis, because there is no way our lives can keep producing new and exciting events, right? funny thing is, i used to say that i like being settle down with familiar things. with i was with k1, i would tell her that things were great, things didn't need to change ever, etc. i'm not sure whether i was just trying to reassure her that i wouldn't just blow up one day and stop loving her, or whether i really believed what i was saying. but in the end, it just died. and i think that my proclivity towards boredom was a factor. and given the fact that she was one of the most amazing people i know, realizing that i would get bored with even her... it bugs me. in some ways, though, i am a paradox. because i like routines. being a touretter/OCD-type, my life is grounded in things that i not only do over and over again, but i *have* to do the same way repeatedly. and in a less neurological sense, i do think familiarity breeds comfort, and there are certain "new" situations that really make me uneasy. but the area where boredom is the biggest problem is in my close friendships/relationships. i'm not sure why i'm talking about this. recently, i've run into thoughts that i decided were completely off-limits in my journal. if you've been reading for a while, you might notice that my entries these days deal less and less with my thoughts and feelings towards other people. i guess i'm just trying to cover my ass. (speaking of provocative comments, yesterday's blurb about online journalists that annoy me stirred up a little curiosity.) oh shit. i have a chiropractic appointment in 7 minutes. brb. never mind. i had to cancel. i have a meeting at 1pm, and if i miss any more meetings, bad things are going to happen to me. you know what's weird is that i have hardly been ticcing these past few weeks. my friends are noticing it, and sometimes i'll just stop and i won't be able to remember when my last tic was. it's pretty cool... these waning periods of tourette's are little glimpses into what it's like to be normal. the bummer is that they don't last, however. the company is going to see _star wars_ tomorrow. i was really excited to see it again after the first viewing, but right now, i just dread slogging through the first half. if only they could just show the fights. yesterday i smoked three cigarettes. that's a really low number for me. and i realized what i need to do to smok less: stay occupied. i was coding madly all of yesterday afternoon, only getting up to take a leak (i pee a lot more often these days) or grab another can of coke. and it didn't even occur to me that i wanted a cigarette. for me, smoking started off as something to do when i was in a boring situation. i bought my first pack when i missed a train in japan (ah, kasumigaseki station!), and when i found out the next one would come in 20 minutes, i walked up the kiosk and purchased a pack of dunhill REDS. and for the most part, aside from social situations, i'd light up when i was doing something boring like walking somewhere. walking, driving, waiting... those are the times when i'm most compelled to pull out a cigarette. anyways, i really want to cut my cigarette intake. if i'm not ready to quit just yet, i want to limit each day to 4. it's a horrible habit. lots of talk about boredom. boredom is always on my mind. it's one of the two things i've said that we humans fight against constantly. the other thing is loneliness. |