| 17 may 2002 just ate three things at mcdonald's. 6 piece, fish fillet, big mac. getting up at 8:45am made me a starving pup by the time lunch rolled around. now i feel sick. when i was at the pharmacy yesterday picking up my risperdal, i looked at the shelves of medicine. and then i wondered, what would happen if i ingested ten random tablets? would i be ok? would the pills fuck me up? it's still amazing to me that something so small can help fight a serious illness, or, if used incorrectly, it would kill you. but even medications aren't that impressive... consider the potency of anthrax or vx gas. and maybe someday they'll invent poisons that are fatal with only a few *molecules* of exposure. yech. i was going to get my camera today online, but the major issue that i had was where to ship it to. there is no way i'm going to have the courier leave the stuff in front of my doorstep, and our current office doesn't have a receptionist in the lobby. in fact, all the doors are locked, so the guy wouldn't even be able to get in. i think i'm going to have them ship it to the old office next door. i was playing with the idea of sending it to my old company, but my coworker who's been with me in both companies shook his head violently. what, is that taboo or something? *shrug* but before i clicked that final button, i stopped and closed the browser window. i'm going to take another look today. last night, between pho and _friends_, i skidaddled to fry's to take a peek. it is much bigger than i thought, but somehow that pleases me. i am sort of tired of having a small innocuous nugget of a camera, and i want something more intimidating. but anyways, i fondled the demo version lovingly, but i couldn't stay long because of my tv obligation. i shall go back this afternoon to make sure i like it. some star wars stuff: click here to see a film about han solo made entire out of legos! it's cute! and what's more, it's officially licensed by lucasfilm! i told my mom i liked _episode II_ a lot, and she wrote: By the way, I think you just like Star Wars regardless. I still remember when you watched the first episode in Boston, you were trembling [in] the last fighting scene. You also asked us to change your name to Luke.. ah. i had completely forgotten that i used to want to change my name to luke skywalker. hm. but i have this vague memory that i liked the name because luke was one of the brothers in _the dukes of hazzard_. i'm getting senile. oh, and here's some video of two girls singing karaoke in korean. i don't understand it, but the girl on the right is a total freak. rather funny silly stuff. i actually e-mailed the karaoke video URL to k2, even though she hates me and we haven't talked since last july or something. and another thing i'm doing is i'm mailing a small birthday gift to k3 despite the fact that we stopped being friends back in october. so why do i even bother dealing with these girls i've pissed off? i don't know. i'm not sure. i'm not exactly extending an olive branch or saying, "look. let's be friends again." so if friendship isn't the point, then i really don't know what is. but i just feel compelled to do so. somebody please come up with a possible explanation. maybe i just want to prove to myself that i can be civil, even after having a huge fallout. maybe i'm trying to do the mature thing. but then again, that can't be it, because the mature thing is to either completely let go or to try to be friends for real. *ponder* weird compulsions. what causes compulsions? is it simply a fact that our brains want to do all this shit, and it's just that normal people have a strong set of inhibitions? or is it that people with these problems have abnormally powerful and prolific impulses? i have this habit of breaking stuff. well, at least when i was younger. like when i got my white and brown suede saddle shoes, i LICKED the new suede. obviously, it ruined the shoes, so i took them back to the store and exchanged them. or when i got my first cd player, i pounded on the hood until it broke, and again, i exchanged it for a new one. stuff like this really bothers me, because it makes me really uncomfortable around fragile things. i am dreading the thoughts that will go through my brain when i'm faced with the big glass lens of my new camera. just to let you know, you don't have to worry about having me hold your stuff. i don't get compulsions to break other people's things. just my own. weird, huh? i had a nice brief YM chat with eric yesterday. i hadn't really had a conversation with him in many months. it kind of bothered me a bit, because i was getting suspicious of some sort of distance that was brewing. but he rang me up yesterday, and i was very pleased afterwards. distance is a weird thing. sometimes it's caused by a person doing (or not doing) a very particular thing, and other times it just pops up randomly like a glitch in the system. and the scary thing about distance is that once it starts, it sort of snowballs; one person detects it, and holds back, and then the other takes offense and reciprocates the feeling, and before you know it, both people are emotionally miles apart. and then there's the pride of it all. in my experience, there have been times when my girl and i went through that whole downward spiral, and it's always ended by someone just breaking down and either talking about it or breaking the chill with a nice warm hug or kiss. often, though, each person thinks the other person caused it, so it winds up being a bitch of a standoff. yuck. oh! yesterday i had two bowls of apple jacks. we have these paper bowls and individual-sized boxes of cereal, and we also have milk! so i had my first bowl of cereal in about a year, and it was so grand i had another one. man i miss cereal. milk is good. whole milk is good. yum. i got "extra rich" milk once, and even though it was really tasty (like cream), it spoils in like 4 days or something. so this camera business. i'm kind of worried about getting into it. i mean, starting this journal has already changed the way i think... because i find myself screening all my thoughts for their worthiness. i'm afraid that once i start taking more pictures, it's going to change the way i see... like constantly analyzing everything in sight and trying to glean artistic pictures out of them. it's too much mental activity, and i'm afraid my head will explode. i did not like the _friends_ finale yesterday. i'm talking their attempted surprise at the end. it seemed like slapstick comedy that was forced into a dramatic and shocking tone. didn't work for me. i am trying really hard not to be a hypocrite. that involves two possibilities of action. either i can stop getting pissed so easily, or i can cut out my own actions that happen to be pet peeves when others do them. consistency is important to me. that's why hypocrisy bothers me so. i have a really hard time breaking character, which is why i'm starting to think that i can only be silly around new friends. my old friends have seen me bummed out for years now, so if i suddenly blew up in a wave of wackiness, it would destroy the continuity of my persona. ok. so if you tell someone you're going to help pay for something, then fucking do it. don't say you'll help pay just to be a nice ingratiating sycophant, and then do nothing. it's so fucking rude. *phew* got that out of my system. money is such a nasty issue sometimes. my mom constantly warns me not to let finances get in the way of friendships. so i try to have the mentality of treating loans to friends like giving the money away (i.e. not expecting repayment), but treating loans *from* friends as serious financial contracts. that way i don't get pissed, and i don't fuck up either. but i sometimes i wonder why it is that money can really ruin friendships. (according to some studies, financial matters are the single most common dispute among married couples.) well, i can see how different people want to use it for different things, and the whole problem arises when money becomes a limited commodity. but, then, how come super rich people still have problems? hm. maybe people are just greedy bastards when it comes down to it. yup. |