| 30 apr 2002 hm. this one might be a little random. i have no fewer than a dozen topics i wanted to touch on; yesterday i started jotting down stuff that i had forgotten to mention, and the list got kind of long. i'm sort of bummed. i'm sure that the bummage will get worse as time goes by. jay is moving out in a month, and for the first time EVER, i'm going to live alone. i never even had a single when i was in college. i'm not sure how i will handle it, but i guess it's time i try it out. i think at first i'll run around naked a lot. i was really putting a lot of hope that alan would move in after he rolls off his san diego stint in november, but after talking to him on sunday, i think he's more interested in buying a house by himself or with his sister. but the thing is, i really love where i live, and while i can financially keep living here, it will seriously stunt my savings rate. *RAAR* so, anybody know of a person who needs a place to live in palo alto? drop me a line. no freaks, please. well, april is ending today. you know, it was a really really good month for me, especially juxtaposed to the nightmare i went through in march. it's so strange how two months can be so different. yesterday i was in a bad mood, feeling tired and strange, and i was really petrified that i was sinking back into a depression. i stopped taking my meds last friday, so it wouldn't have surprised me. i have little tests that i can apply to myself to see how messed up i am... one such test is whether i feel like singing to the songs i'm playing in my car, or how long it takes me to open a can of soda. so far, i based on such tests, i think i'm doing ok. maybe it was just a mood swing. i don't know. i think every little dip in my mood is going to make me scared that i'm relapsing again. mike said on AIM yesterday that i tend to have wild mood swings. i think he's right. so yesterday, in addition to the dizziness, i started going through some weird shit starting in the afternoon. when i stood up, i would feel these little shocks or spasms, which would shoot up my leg, through my body, and down my arms. sometimes my hands would even twitch, and i felt like i was going through a micro-epileptic seizure every ten seconds. it was really really odd. and sort of disturbing. i think it's still going on today, but it's not bothering me as much. i'm waiting for a call from my psychiatrist to see if it's a possible withdrawal effect from the effexor. while i had a smoke yesterday, i looked down at the concrete and saw a few ants scurrying around. in a feat of morbid curiosity, i set down my cigarette just above one ant, freaking it out, and eventually, i guess the air got so hot that it just died. most people probably don't have any problems killing something as small as an ant, but after i watched it wiggle its last wiggle, i got really sad. i'm a cruel person. i was looking at portable cd players on amazon yesterday. there are some neat cd/mp3 players, and one of them was tagged with a "cool item" note. i checked out their pages of "cool shit," and some of their stuff is pretty sexy. you can probably guess that most of the ones that caught my eye were SILVER. yup. i was most interested in this silver blender and silver 3 D-cell mag light. i was almost going to buy the mag light, but that would be $20 spent on something that i already have, albeit mine's black. how can i hold such a fetish over something as superficial as a color? jay's been drooling over these all-clad cookware sets. amazon has a 7-piece set of copper core cookware for.... $750. holy shit. for that money, the food better trigger full-body orgasms. when i was at valley fair on saturday, i checked into one of the dressing rooms at the new bi-level banana republic. pretty swanky. there's this little nook that juts in from the outside into a groove on the inside, so attendants can slide in articles of clothing without having to open the door. and what's better, there is this beautiful blue backlit button (try saying that 3 times fast) that you can push to get help. rad. i was so tempted to push it, but i had nothing that i needed help with, so instead i just stroked the button lovingly. ah, i was masturbating the button. i read somewhere that president bush is pushing a bill that forces health insurance to treat psychiatric disorders the same as physical disorders. i thought that was something republicans don't do, i.e. beneficial medical reforms that could hurt the insurance business. but anyways, i think it's a good thing. right now, my current health insurance (blue cross) subcontracts its psych coverage to another company, and it's a mess of red tape. (they're currently refusing to pay for my psych visits, it's a big mess.) so i'm kind of pleased at the prospect of this bill. after the hell i went through, i definitely believe that mental illness is a real thing that demands adequate medical attention. my friend jan forwarded me an article about this girl at MIT who committed suicide. (since 1990, 12 MIT students have killed themselves.) basically this girl had recently had her parents over, and she seemed fine. she even bought a whole week's worth of groceries, but that day, she set herself on fire. my god. what a horrible way to go. it's really scary that we can feel fine, and that same day, our brain just snaps, and something as ludicrous as self-immolation seems like the thing to do. horrors. oh, on amazon, there was one item that was a "locking box" or something. basically it's a cute little box, and it only opens up when the owner says a phrase or something. they are targetting this as a product for young girls to store their little secret items safely. but, there were customer comments about how the box would never open. can you imagine how FRUSTRATING that would be? bad bad product! i mean, you put in some precious token into the box, and you can never get it back again! one customer had to take the box back to the store and have them smash it open. geez. one of my march journal entries is getting hit by all these people searching for "bukkake parties." holy shit man. are that many people interested in standing around getting their faces blasted with semen? how fun could that be? one of my friends back at home just got together with a guy she's had a huge crush on for like a DECADE. yup. when i first heard about it, i was really happy for her. i remember a few years ago, when we had coffee together, and she was telling me of this guy that she's always held him up on a pedastal. damn. ten years. i can't imagine how sublimely gratifying that must feel. i mean, i chased k1 for a few months, and when we got together, i felt like i was going to self-detonate into a million happy pieces. but that's nothing compared to how long she's waited. aside from that one _southpark_ episode, the only times i've heard the word "shit" on network tv is when karl malone says it after a basketball game. i always wondered how they bleep speech when a show is live, but apparently during these interviews, they don't have the censors on karl. last night, after the jazz lost to the kings, some reporter asked him what happened. and he simply said, "i had a shitty game." i was kind of stunned for a second, and i think all the reporters were too. last night i realized why i find ally mcbeal so fucking annoying. she can't let go of her misery. it's like being sad is her friend or something, and she never wants to resolve her problems as much as she bitches and whines about them. yup. she's neurotic, but in a horrible way. watching her and victor fight, and how unreasonable she got... i would probably go berserk if i were with a person like her. more and more websites are skipping the pop-up ad tactic (which is already a fucking nuisance) and plastering ads right over the content. entertainment weekly, espn, and even yahoo... i think someone needs to start a protest over this. i mean, pop-up windows are annoying, but this new method... arrrgh. there is just something really WRONG about it. like i'm reading an article, and suddenly some fucking popcorn ad materializes right over the text. and it's not like there's a way to get rid of it... on some ads, all you can do is wait for it to disappear. fuckers. ok, one last thing. check this product out. love mittens! for couples holding hands in cold weather! doesn't that make you want to PUKE? it seriously makes me shiver and want to wretch. shit. it's raining now. i just got my car washed an hour ago. |