| 25 apr 2002 ok. first things first. one of my boyhood sexual fantasies has been realized. i don't remember exactly when, but a long long time ago, i was watching tv, and some girl was wearing a swimsuit that was basically two strips of fabric that came down each side of her body, covering her breasts and converging into a point between her legs. as titillating as it was, i thought about taking that idea to the extreme, and making those strips as thin as possible, just covering the nipples and pubic thatch. well, i was surfing on jodee's site last night, and there it was... my visionary outfit, on a hot asian girl no less. i mean, my version didn't have the side straps, but maybe they're necessary to keep the front directly over the nipples. and there was the added bonus of the convergence point at the bottom, where it tapers to a ridiculously thin piece that reveals a LUSCIOUS shaved cameltoe. man. i feel like i should rant about _dawson's_, but i give up on the show. i mean, i'll still watch, but i no longer enjoy it. i really hope they axe it soon; i want to do something else with my time. the relationships just don't make sense. somebody explain to me why charlie and joey had to break up just because he was going on tour. and what's harder to understand is how this incestuous group of friends can keep hooking up with each other, break up, and be completely fine. whatever. i thought _felicity_'s ending was generic. (apparently the last 4 episodes are going to be a "rewind" series with the alternate reality of felicity being with noel instead of ben.) the ultimate cop-out was the fact that she spent four years fighting her parents' wish for her to be a doctor, and she graduates in art or architecture or whatever, and after all that, she decides to be a doctor. what the hell. last night was a really frustrating and scatterbrained night of tv watching. at 11, i was basically flipping between FIVE shows: sportscenter, pti, burly tv, the eco-challenge, and jackass. it was really unsettling and ultimately a complete waste of time. i mean, i couldn't enjoy any of the shows, and i basically spent my last hour flipping channels constantly and trying to followifive completely unrelated threads at once. afterwards, i just felt like i was developing multiple personalities or something; my brain was all disjoint and scrambled. that's no way to watch tv. the _burly tv_ show bothers me. it was a show with two amateur hosts who review videogames. one of the hosts is a regular dorky guy, but the other is this monstrously obese dude. and watching him just made me annoyed and upset to the point where i wanted to smack him. i tried to figure out why he agitated me so much... i think it's because he's such a bad host. he gesticulates the same way over and over, flailing his two hands from his fixed elbows. dude. he's talking about a fucking video game... no need to try to make it *that* emphatic, you know? i dunno. you have to see it to understand. and i'm baffled how those two people got to host a show on a major channel to begin with. yes, i know. if i don't like it, then i should just shut up and not watch it. but sometimes we're inexplicably drawn to stuff that we can't stand. it's an odd maschochistic thing we do. i've been catching myself having fits of rage sometimes. for example, that whole _burly tv_ thing. and sometimes, when i'm driving, if the person in front if going really slowly, i start screaming obscenities. i find that my patience is really low, and that surprises me because i'm usually pretty laid back about things. i don't like it. i don't want to be even remotely associated with being an angry person. there are a few blogs i've come across where the writer just seems really bitter. and for no apparent reason. i mean, what's the point of being that laden with attitude? who are you trying to impress? i just don't get it. ugh. i just wrote an e-mail that was kind of mean. well, it wasn't "kind of" mean, it was downright mean. what the hell is happening to me. it's a really weird mix of moods... i'm happy yet completely bitchy. how is that possible? ----- ok. time to get a bit more serious. gg wrote me an e-mail yesterday in response to a blitz i fired off earlier in the day. one of her question is why i force myself to write when i don't feel like it. because, believe me, like i told her, there are times when trying to come up with my 7K+ characters is like "passing a kidneystone." it's just fucking painful. a lot of times, i just sit at the keyboard, feeling all cross, my face scrunched up in a look of disdain, and i just think and think about random shit i can put down. but the thing is, i don't consider my journal to be a "pastime." nor a "hobby." it's more of a job now. a routine. that sounds bad, but i don't really intend it to. but i definitely feel an obligation to my readers and my friends and myself to write every weekday. in some sense, i feel like an entertainer whose job is to keep a steady flow of content. yeah, i'm not getting paid, but still... the sense of responsibility is there. but above all else, i write for myself. it might seem contradictory that i would force myself to write when i don't want to, but i know it's for my own good. i have a strong (almost desperate) need to be a historian of my own life. i *need* to document things. there are years of my life that i don't remember, and that bothers me to no end. i cannot stand the fact that i try to look back at my post-graduation days, and all i see is a hazy blur of my first job and its accompanying stress, lots of k2, sex and fights, and our place at brenton. i mean, how did i feel? was i happy? did i ever overdose on indian food? what was my favorite movie then? how was my tourette's? these and a million other questions don't have any answers. likewise for a lot of my earlier years, like elementary school, junior high, and early high school. of course, my brain has not forgotten. somewhere deep in the recesses are memories that will be exhumed once in a blue moon. but that's not good enough for me. i can't count on random triggers to remind me of where i've been. and my faculties of memory certainly aren't good enough to remember as much of my life as i want. so what this journal is about is making my memories accessible by making them TANGIBLE. i wish i had done this from the very beginning, as soon as i learned to write. in a lot of ways, i feel like i only started becoming "self-aware" when i started stanford and decided to write a journal. that's the point where i took control of my memories and archived them in something more reliable than my faulty brain. so yeah, there are days when i hate writing. but i do it anyway. and there has never been a time when i regretted it. in fact, the days that i *don't* write are the ones that i regret, because basically lost a day's worth of random thoughts right there. in a lot of ways, starting this online journal has changed the way my mind works. there are a notable points: 1) i constantly screen my thoughts and evaluate them for their "journal-worthiness." when i'm thinking, it's like i have a concurrent parallel process that looks at each idea and decides whether it's something that should go in the journal. 2) after writing, my brain feels cleaner for a while. sometimes, after posting my entry up, my mind actually feels hollow, like i just took this big dump. i coined this term a long time ago: "brain enema." that's what my daily entries are. 3) i have become dependent on my journal to store my memories. i think this is a bad trend. it's kind of like how i used to be able to remember all these phone numbers when i didn't have a cell phone, but now that my phone stores them for me, i rarely use that part of my mind, and i can't recall any phone numbers on my own any more. similarly, i find that once i release my thoughts onto my journal, i kind of jettison them out of my brain. so i'm afraid that i'm training myself to not have to remember anything any more... and if i ever lose this journal, i'll be fucked. absolutely fucked. anyways... gg also asked if i ever wanted to blog. i thought about it, but i think i like this format better. because once i write and post my entry, it's out of the way. i can move on to other stuff (like work, ahem). if i blogged, then i'd be way too tempted to keep writing throughout the day, and i *KNOW* my OCD would take over and make me a slave to it 24/7. and finally, she asked if i ever wanted to try something new and stick to one topic. :) hehehe. as you might guess from the haphazard and random way i write, writing about one coherent thought is really hard for me. i always struggled with term papers and writing assignments (like CD reviews for the stanford newspaper). maybe it's my tourette's, but my brain just naturally jumps around all over the place, and it's really hard to get me to focus on one thing. i could try, though... if you have a good topic for me to expound on, let me know... so that's that. this journal isn't really for fun any more. it serves a big function in my life. and now you know. |