| 24 apr 2002 motherfucker. i have this rarely-used cd walkman, and it's not working right. bitch. i know that if i go out and buy another one, i won't buy the cheapest one out there, which is really all i need. everything i own is sony, and i know that i'll get one of their fancy models that i don't need. the other day i had this dream that i was britney spears' roommate in this college dorm. and one night i came back, and she was lying on her bed talking on the phone. i remember having two thoughts: 1) she's really cute in her light blue flannel shirt. 2) i need to buy some more puffypaint. #$!#%! puffypaint?! so yesterday was quite amazing. i usually go home before 8pm, but i just kept working and working, blazing right up to 9 o'clock and going straight to bowling from the office. i was really happy about it. it's weird that i'd ever be pleased about working late, but i am. i have this feeling that i'm getting my productivity back, and maybe it's true after all that part of my happiness is tied to my work. the bowling crowd has been small lately. our games usually finish by 10:30 or so, so i actually have time to go home and catch the 11pm _sportscenter_. i did ok yesterday. i bowled two games in the 130's, which isn't bad, but i know i can do better. i'm really inaccurate these days; i must have had over half a dozen open frames last night. but HOLY SHIT I AM PISSED OFF. my hair was all jacked this morning, and i went looking for my beloved abercrombie hat. it's gone. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. i stood there, closing my eyes and trying to trace back the last time i wore it. it was saturday night. i wore it because i had just gotten a haircut. and, i knew that i wore it to _the scorpion king_ because i remember taking it off and putting it on my left knee. and then the hat fades from my memory. i realized that i didn't wear it at the bar, nor at stanford when we walked around campus. shit. it must have fallen on the floor at the movie theater. so i drove to the shoreline theater this morning and checked their lost and found. there were lots of hats, purses and cell phones (hey, you can get a free cell phone there!), but no abercrombie hat. pissed off. i loved that hat. i've been wearing it for the past two-three years. the reason why i love it so much is because it fits well, and it has this cool red trim embedded in the bill. and i'm mad not sad because i know it's my fault, i.e. i wouldn't have lost it if i wasn't such a fucking dumbass. i HATE it when i do something stupid, like forget my keys or my wallet, and when i lose something. it's such a lame thing to do, and i have no one to blame but myself. yes, i get attached to things easily. i told my mom the other day about how i was that this taiwanese restaurant (full house) closed down, and she just laughed. she was like, "dardy, we're supposed to get attached to PEOPLE, not restaurants!" i mean, i've been going to full house since i graduated, and they're the only place that makes good rice plates. i have their number programmed in my cell phone, and when i call, they usually recognize my voice. well, i guess i have to hit abercrombie soon. i need a new hat. adam was IM'ing me the other day, and he was wondering whether this comment on a webpage was actually written by me. a few weeks ago, there was this impersonator guy who was writing comments using my name, and it was just really annoying (and occasionally morbidly amusing). so i took a look at the comment, and yup, it was me. what made adam skeptical, though, was the fact that the comment contained a self-deprecatory statement. so i've decided that i'm no longer to criticize myself when i post comments. i don't know why i do that, either. but i'm going to stop. but the amusing thing was that when the impersonator was doing his stuff, i would look at what he wrote and come up with a million reasons why that couldn't have been me. i guess i'm just really familiar with my own diction and thought patterns, and watching people try to be me usually results in me laughing at them. if i find you convincing, i'll give you applause. so emi and i were talking about being depressed and taking medications, and the question of "what is the REAL me?" pops up. i mean, what *is* the real you? does that persona become more or less valid when you take a mood-altering chemical? i have this unfounded belief that the real us is the "unmedicated" "natural" us. i don't want to emotions to be synthesized or fabricated. but i know that doesn't make too much sense because so much of how we are is dependent on the quality of our lives... whether we are happy with the way things are, whether we are eating right, whether we are getting sex, blah blah blah. even if we don't take drugs, our natural emotional range is very wide, so maybe you can argue the the drugs simply influence which end of the spectrum we gravitate towards. maybe. i'm still not convinced that i'm happy with being medicated, and i'm three days away from being completely off effexor. of my 1500+ songs ripped onto my iMac's hard drive, i've only compiled two cd's, each containing 18 songs. they were just songs that i thought were cool to listen to, and one of them was designated the "uplifting" mix. so, last night, i had a strong urge to make an "aggro" mix. you know, songs that stir the blood and pound and pound away. i figured it would be good to listen to on a long drive at night when i need something to keep me awake. so, i put some songs by groups like boom boom satellites and pigface... and songs with titles like "edge of no control," "break stuff," "serial killers don't kill their boyfriends," "satan" (the kirk hammett version is the best), and one of my favorite songs, "we have explosive." cool titles, huh? interesting enough, my aggro mix doesn't contain anything by nine inch nails. looking back, i could have included something like "down in it." but i guess there is a difference between angsty music and aggro music. i mean, a song can be bitter and filled of hate, yet i might not be of the blood-pumping variety. one good example is XTC's "dear god." so in the burger king drive through today, i was listening to one of the songs, and i fiddled with the audio controls and turned the bass all the way up. my rearview and side mirrors started to shake. cool. but after i burned the cd of mostly angry/loud/grating music, i needed a little peace. so i did my final e-mail check of the day to satie's 3 gymnopedies. and that reminds me. i think i'll want to make a "lazy sunday morning" mix sometime. oh yeah. yesterday i said that my old code at work contained an instance named "winona_ryder." i think i am mistaken. i think it was "natalie_portman" instead. |