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| 15 apr 2002 ugh. have you ever felt like you really wanted to do something, but you had no idea what it was? i just got back from lunch, and my heart was all pounding, and my body felt like it wanted to exert itself on some task, but i haven't the faintest clue what that task is. so now i just feel all excited over some random unknown. it's really uncomfortable. so those are some pictures from the bike ride on saturday. the left one is at a some pier with a view of alcatraz behind us, and the second is at fort pointe, which is right underneath the southern entrance of the golden gate bridge. i don't particularly like the second one because with my mussed hair and shoulder-exposing t-shirt, i look like i've just been ravaged or abused. i really need a way to keep track of my thoughts when i'm trying to sleep. those are the times when i get my best journal ideas. last night, i was thinking of some topics, and i actually wrote down the entries in my head, but now i've forgotten what they were. it's really annoying. i should buy myself one of those digital mini voice recorders and keep it next to my pillow so i can sonically jot down my ideas when they occur to me in bed. so this morning i had to get up a little early to check if i had been called in for jury duty. when i got dressed, i was about to put on a stanford t-shirt. but then, i thought about the fact that the lawyers might want an educated juror, so i changed my mind. instead, i dug up an old nine inch nails t-shirt (the one with these semi-grotesque salt trails on it) and threw it on. there. now they might think i'm some sort of degenerate punk, and i'll get a better chance at being passed over. it turns out that i didn't have any jury duty today, but i have to check tomorrow. geez. so this week, if you see me, i'll probably be wearing ragged clothing. and now you know why. i was thinking last night if it's a good thing if the fact that you love someone makes them more attractive to you. love goggles. seems harmless, right? but i wonder... maybe you can be so blinded by your affection that you don't realize a person's faults and shortcomings. is there a problem with that? maybe. maybe there will be a day when things simmer down, and you take a more sober look at the person you're with, and suddenly you're stunned by the fact that there are problems with that person that you never knew. it might be a shock. there is sort of a vicious cycle with this whole love goggles thing. usually, it goes like this: you meet someone attractive, so you kind of like them. you build on that affection, and it kicks in the love goggles. and the more attractive you find them, the more the affection builds. and so forth. and soon enough, you're totally crazy about this person who seems both beautiful and totally faultless. i think i'm very vulnerable to this cycle. and after time, when the crush or relationship ends, my heart breaks free and cuts through the self-perpetuating process. and once i've shedded the affection, sometimes i look at the previous object of obssession and wonder what the hell i ever saw in that person. i mean, maybe i will admit that the girl is kind of cute and has a decent personality or whatever, but i will simply be unable to understand why i was so enraptured. it's kind of amusing and disturbing at the same time how fickle our hearts can be. god damn. i'm biting my nails again. i'm not giving enough time for them to grow out, so i think these repeated attacks are going to result in me eventually not having any nails at all. back to this love thing. there is a delicate balance between the need to remember why you love someone and the reasons why you shouldn't do it. let me explain. some psych experiments have shown that after couples have been asked to list the reasons why they love each other, they are actually less satisfied with the relationship than couples who didn't have to do the enumeration. the reasoning is that trying to quantify love is detrimental because it's the intangibles and unspeakables that matter. yet, if a person doesn't remind himself of why he loves someone, there is a possibility that someday he'll wake up and forget why he's with the other person. now, i am thinking that i can refute this scenario by bringing up the topic of family; we often love our family members unconditionally. but i'm talking more about romantic relationships and the fact that we choose our partners based on our free will. and when we make that choice, there are *reasons* why we choose this person over another. and when those reasons cease to be known or recognized, we run the risk of losing the affection. a-ha! i remember the other thing i wanted to write about last night. so basically, when i meet a girl, if i'm evaluating them as a girlfriend, i try to picture them in two scenarios (i mean, there are other criteria as well, but these are two things i think are very important): 1) what they're like in bed. after all, healthy fun romping is vital in a good relationship. bad sex can really strain a relationship, and great sex... well, that's pretty much a requirement for me. 2) what they're like in a fight. yup. fights are going to happen, and i want to know whether the girl and i can actually work through our problems or whether we'll just yell at each other and slap band-aids until things eventually implode. (implode or explode? they're opposites. but i think implode sounds better, even though it might not make sense.) but my main point is that as just friends, these two points of evaluation are pretty much impossible to ascertain... i mean, how the hell would you ever find out if a friend of yours is a monster in the sack? and likewise, since most of the time we don't argue or fight with our friends (well, at least i try not to), when would we see our friends in a fight? ah, uncertainty. oh right. back to my point. i guess i just want to say that these two things i try to picture are really important to me, but in the end, they're just big question marks that i probably won't know when i decide to take a plunge into a relationship. and they're two of the first things i try to find out after getting together, because if either one of them turns out unfavorably, chances are the relationship won't work. it would really be nice if life made it possible to know these things before deciding to get together with someone. i mean, sometimes the surprises are nice, like finding out a girl is not only multi-orgasmic but easily achieves the quivering g-spot O. or discovering that the girl's romping moans are a full octave higher than her normal speaking voice. but other times, the news is a shock. like hearing (for the first time) the girl scream at you at the top of her lungs to the point where your ears are about to shatter. or ducking in horror as the girl hurls her razor at you when she's pissed. (all of this is from my personal experience, by the way.) things to think about... and things that i will probably find out much later than i'd like to. oh, last thing. i'm obssessed about lists. whenever i see a "top 10" show or go to a music concert, i try to memorize the entire order. (god bless my OCD.) i saw mtv had its "most controversial videos" show, and i watched the 2nd half. they actually showed the videos, although portions of them were blurred out. the top ten are: 10. cherry pie - warrant (seems rather innocuous today. it's just cleavage, right?) 9. me so horny - 2 live crew (at least it wasn't the original explicit version of the lyrics) 8. baby got back - sir mix-a-lot (yup. innocuous. just lots of butts) 7. jeremy - pearl jam (the kid who inspired the song went to my rival high school) 6. stan - eminem (a HUGE part of the lyrics is censored out) 5. hate me now - nas/puff daddy (one of the lamest self-aggrandizing songs ever) 4. closer - nine inch nails (A FUCKING BRILLIANT VIDEO) 3. i want your sex - george michael (we watched it in 8th grade after a counseling session) 2. justify my love - madonna (seems tame now; maybe i've watched way too much porn) 1. smack my bitch up - prodigy (pretty amazing camera work and concept) |