| 12 apr 2002 dude. alex is damn cute. i might even go as far as to say that she may be the cutest girl i have ever seen. and that's saying a lot, considering people like the young natalie portman or rachael leigh cook. it's her bright eyes. and although they're not as overly-pouty as anjelina jolie's, her lips have a perfect pucker to them. wow. all i can say is, GOD BLESS THE HAPA. my fingers feel remarkably naked. these past few weeks, i've been biting them with a serious vengeance. it's such a weird obssession... i mean, i try to stop myself, but when my mind decides to start, nothing can keep me away from attacking them viciously. why the hell do some people chew and knaw at their own body parts? it's so strange. they look really gross right now. but when i was sitting outside in the bright sunlight and took a look, i was just really amazed... what is it about sunlight (as opposed to incandescent or fluorescent lighting) that really brings out the details and contrast? when i was a kid, my parents would do everything they could to stop me from biting my nails. (is this a genetic problem?) anyways, they would dip my hands in spicy oil, tape my fingers, and they even went as far as applying fingernail polish. god damn was that fucking embarassing. a boy with nail polish. lucky i wasn't traumatized or anything. but nothing worked. i kind of stopped biting them severely for a long time, but in the past month or so, i've been going aggro. i saw my psych today. i basically told him that despite the fact that i haven't given effexor a full trial (both dosage and duration), i want to get off of it. i just don't want to deal with the side effects any more. after putting up a decent fight, he reluctantly agreed. i mean, if i get all fucked up and depressed again, i can always go back on, but i just have a real problem with being permanently medicated. but the bigger thing here is that i don't feel like the medication is working. yes, i admit that i haven't tried a larger dosage yet, and maybe it takes longer to take effect, but i'm just impatient. the whole thing about brain disorders is that medication trials are just long experiments. it's pretty frustrating to go through, but i guess i just have to be patient. jay cooked some monster vietnamese-inspired five-spice chicken yesterday. ah, to have gourmet food. it's awesome. i have to call the santa clara county court people later on today to see if i have to go to jury duty next week. i don't even know how they got me... i'm not registered to vote, i don't think. did they get me through the DMV? anyways, i really don't want to serve on a jury. it's not that i'm not interested in participating in america's legal process, but i have a shitload of work to do next week. there's a deadline for us to meet, and i have a lot of code to write. i hate being the bottleneck. it sucks! oh, the last time i went to see my psych, he was constantly falling asleep while writing things down and stuff. today, he seemed fine, and i asked him if he was feeling better. he said that he has some sort of mild narcolepsy. amazing! i'd be kind of scared if i were him, though... i mean, how fucking dangerous is it when he's being a wheel of a car? sheesh. he said he takes caffeine pills in the afternoons, but still... they definitely weren't working the last time i saw him. yesterday i saw one of my ex-coworkers milling about the company. it turns out he accepted the offer from my company, so i'm really psyched about having a friend work here. yay! i'll finally have a cubicle to go to when i feel like chatting. the funny thing is that he has vanity license plates that say "VIVACER" (remember that my old company was vivace). so i don't know what he is going to do about that. i found a really really disturbing website last night. corpses, amputee sex, a guy with an exploded face, scatological pictures, self-mutiliations. i'm not going post the URL, but i guess you can ask me for it personally if you're that curious. anyways, i really don't know why i tempt myself at looking at these things. i guess i want to know that i am mature enough to be able to look at disgusting things and not be affected by them. i kind of take pride in the fact that i'm not easily shocked. i mean, i'm really impressed with jay and all the other doctors out there who can repeatedly deal with people's grotestque problems on a daily basis and still be fine. i kind of envy that strength and resiliency. but i dunno. i don't think i am cut out for it, though; i knew a long time ago that i don't have what it takes to be a doctor. so i definitely do have limits, and i don't know why i need to test them. temptation is a really weird concept. why do we humans feel compulsions to do things that we know will harm us? seems really counterintuitive to me. you'd figure that our self-preservation instinct would kick in sooner or later, right? the one picture on that site that i didn't click on was the exploded face one. from the thumbnail, it looked like an outline of a head with this massive red sea-anemone-like growth. i was really tempted to take a look at the full-size picture, but i held back. fuck! ok, i gotta get my mind off of this. ok. never mind. i just looked at it. luckily, though, the guy's face is SO fucked up that you can't even tell what was supposed to be there. what a dumbass. i think the story is that he bit down on some sort of explosive fireworks or something, and it went off in his mouth. jay brings attention to my OCD sometimes. last night, i showed him an article in _time_ on the mtv series _the osbournes_, which by the way, is fucking BRILLIANT. i told him that i was resisting reading the article because i wanted to save the best article for last. but then, as he read it and chuckled, i started itching to read it, too. finally, i broke down and read the article. i really don't know why i have so many weird rules and stuff. but anyways, the article showed me exactly why i could never be a good journalist. because the author was able to not just explain in words why the show is awesome, but also do it in a totally eloquent AND concise manner. i was so impressed by the writing. i mean, i have been telling my friends how good _the osbournes_ is, but i have really never been able to say anything besides something stupid like, "uh.. it's just really funny." but it's so much more than just funny. *sigh* word mastery is so fucking impressive. but yeah, ozzy osbourne is hilarious. and so is the rest of his family. my poor project lead at work is so tired and stressed out by his job. it makes me sad. ok. i have to go code up some stuff for him. have a nice weekend! |