| 9 apr 2002 i feel like i don't have anything to report on tuesdays. we'll see how much i can come up with today. my chest fucking hurts. you can catch me rubbing my left nipple a lot these days. the muscle underneath is all fucked up, and every time i use my left arm, pain shoots through the left side of my chest. which means that basketball today really killed me. i played through a couple of games, but after a while, i just had to give up. amazingly enough, though, i scored all 5 points in my last game. but it was just too painful. the last time this happened was because of my tics. my full-body heaves just strained my muscles, but this time, i don't know why it's happening again. i'm not sure if i can go bowling tonight, but we'll see. these days, my favorite part of the day is sleep. i discovered that if i keep my blankets (i use two layers) upside down on my bed, the inner layer is nice and chilled when i hop into bed. very very nice. in the mornings, i actually like snoozing. because that way i can actually enjoy the peaceful feeling; if i actually fall back asleep, i won't notice the fact that i am in a serenely comfortable position. is it wrong to love sleep so much? it's kind of morbid if you think about it, right? i've been noticing more vanity plates recently. yesterday, i saw an integra with "PRT SASY" (pretty sassy?), and the plates were framed by a sigma sigma sigma cover, which i am guessing is a sorority. after that, i saw a red mustang with "SHE TAZ." hm. i wonder if that means the girl is wild in bed. maybe she spins or something like the warner brothers tazmanian devil. a whirling dervish in the sack! today i also saw a corvette with "SCARY" plates. don't know what that means, but it reminds me that scary spice is perhaps the prettiest of the five spice girls, unless her hair is done all weird in those spiky lumps. and finally, i saw a bmw with something unintelligible like "AFW PRW" or something. i have no fucking clue what that means. i have never considered getting vanity plates. it's kind of like getting a tattoo... although it's not as permanent. but there's nothing that i really want to say about myself that i'd want to advertise on my car. hm. in addition to my chest pains, my left nostril keeps scabbing up. yuck. every once in a while i pull a piece of orange or brown stuff out, and sometimes i wind up yanking out a nose hair. damn, it hurts. what the hell is going on with my body? impotence must suck. i mean, it must be such a frustrating thing to want to have sex with a girl, and having your body simply not respond. i remember watching _oprah_ way back in junior high or something, and there was this guy who would only get off when he was masturbating. so he'd be having sex with his wife, and he simply couldn't come. and she'd start getting dry and chafing. poor couple. yes, his problem is different from impotence (at least he can get hard), but sexual dysfunction must be such a let down. the reason why i talk about impotence is because i read up on my medication effexor, and a decent percentage of men who are on it have that problem. god, i hope it doesn't happen to me. not that it's really relevant in my nonexistent lovelife, but still... i think it's a fundamental thing about me that i would hate to lose. what is a man without his virility? i want to check out a current issue of a skin mag. a few years ago, k2 had a copy of _penthouse_, which her friend left behind when he moved. i was flipping through it, and they actually showed penetration and stuff. i was pretty much amazed, because for the longest time, i thought that was illegal. kind of like how i thought showing corpses was illegal, too. but i guess the press and media are starting to get more liberal with what they can show, like how NBC is starting to air ads for hard alcohol again. i wonder when all this freedom of press will be clamped down again. so anyways, i'd be curious to see how skin magazines have changed since the last time i saw one (i think that was back in the late 90's). the only thing is, it's so embarassing to walk up to a counter and purchase an issue. the one time i did it, i feel so sheepish. in japan, i was much more fearless, because, hell, i was in a foreign country, and it's not like japanese magazines are that explicit anyway. but in the states, i'm a lot more self-conscious. i was watching this thing on PBS a few weeks ago about porn. basically, during the reagan administration (i think) porn got really clamped down upon. the basic judgement of whether something was obscene was whether the community thought there was any "value" in it. and i guess in more conservative (i really don't know my political terms) times, a lot of more graphic porn got wiped out. i remember larry flynt saying that at that time, he had to make _hustler_ a lot tamer. but then, during the clinton/janet reno administration, the governments stopped raging about the issue, and porn flourished again. very interesting stuff. i am getting more and more interested in the israeli/palestinian conflict these days. i think it's because it's such an "unsolvable" problem. i mean, you put people of two religions smack in the same place where both sides consider the area to be their own holy land, and how the hell do you think they're going to coexist with each other? i kind of extend this conflict in my mind to be an amplification of human nature. it's all about how people and how they deal with differences and compromises and tolerance. so if this conflict gets resolved, i think i'll be really encouraged by the result. but honestly, i don't think the jihad will ever end. and that's a really depressing thought. back at teralogic, i had an opportunity to take a business trip to israel. i was like, "are you fucking kidding me?" i flat-out refused to go. religious faith astounds me in its sheer power. i mean, now you have women and teenagers eagerly volunteering to strap themselves to explosives and blow themselves to bits for their religion. some of the recent suicide bombers were even about to get married. i mean, how is it that a person is looking forward to spending the rest of his life with a loved one, and then goes off and detonates himself? i mean, how do you think your future spouse is going to feel? the answer probably is that the spouse would be proud of you and your martyrdom. and that's just mindblowing to me. i dunno. the whole situation is so frustrating to me. i mean, you've got groups like islamic jihad and hamas who basically say they won't stop until israel is "obliterated." i mean, how do you deal with that? it fucking makes me sad. so. which topic is more interesting? porn or the middle east conflict? hm. at least porn has the possibility of making me happy. |