| 4 apr 2002 you lucky fucks. i wasn't going to update today (as you can probably tell, i've been at a loss for thoughts lately), but after a brief upswing in my mood (god, i'm emotional) i feel like writing again. so basically what happened was that i finally got off my ass and did some recoding of some stuff that another employee had written. you know, coding isn't really that bad once i start doing it... it's the initiating effort that is really hard for me. i have to say that i'm a tech geek, and sitting in front of a computer writing verilog code is actually a pretty comfortable place for me to be. and things got even better when i stopped by project lead's cube to discuss some stuff. you know, in the midst of all this apathy, i still like learning. i feel a little rush of excitement to my system when i engage in discussions about networking with my coworkers; because i'm such a newbie at this area, most everything they tell me is new information, so i relish the opportunity to sponge up some fresh facts. but anyways, i bet this little euphoria kick is short-lived... but at least it gives me hope. i'm gonna take all the small nuggets of happiness i can get. anyways, i've had a problem this week of needing to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak. i usually have no problems sleeping through the night without attending to my bladder, but for the past few nights, the urge to pee has woken me up. the amazing thing is that as hard as it is to get out of bed to go to work, i have absolutely no problems hopping out of bed to make the short trip to the bathroom. i'm amused by what motivates me and what doesn't. last night i was thinking about all my first kisses with girls, and how nothing ever really gets as good as that first meeting of the lips. all the excitement, the trembling, and the wonderful moment of impact... the sad thing is, though, that i can't remember exactly how things played out with certain women, most notably k2. sometimes things happen so fast that i forget to document exactly how things went down. i still chuckle when i recall the last thing that was spoken before k3 and i had our first kiss... "what are we doing?" heh. ambiguity rocks. so anyways, while i was playing and rewinding those moments while i lay in bed, i tried to think if anything can match the intensity of the first kiss. and i decided that make-up kisses and break-up kisses are actually pretty good, too. i guess it's all about psychology and the context of the situation. so, the final question is... can we keep tricking ourselves into artificially adding emotional weight to every kiss, so that each peck has the same oomph? that would be quite a skill to have. strange thing... ever since i started going on 112.5mg of effexor, i haven't gotten my night woodies. i mean, i don't notice every time it happens (hell, i'm ASLEEP!) but usually every so often i wake up and find a nice tumescent surprise. but it hasn't happened in a while. i'm worried. i know my psychiatrist warned of certain sexual side effects, and i really hope this isn't one of them. tumescence. what a cool word. you know, pretty much every time i have a nice sexual fantasy, the issue of safe sex and birth control and STD's always ruins the mental script that runs through my mind. i mean, so i'm being seduced or whatever, and everything's going great, and then some nagging worry like "does she have HIV?" pops up and kills the scenario. god damn. i am annoyed that even in my fantasies, sexual responsibility creeps up on me and prevents me from enjoying them. a few years ago i went to a party with my roommate's brother and one of his friends, this girl named P. anyways, the party was kind of lame (all i remember is that there was a big cat), and when i decided to leave, the brother stayed behind, and i drove P back home. funny thing, P kept asking me if i was ok to drive, and if i wanted to crash at her place. and it was only after i got home that i realize that she was probably inviting me in for something other than just sleep. *smacks his head* did i just turn down free sex? dude, i wish this kind of stuff happened to me more often. ok. so, last night, geoff dropped by my place, and we went to a starbuck's coffee to grab some drinks. we sat outside and talked for a while, stopping every so often to do some people watching. the starbuck's in mountain view is kind of lame, though, because it's located in a strip mall where everything else closes early, so there really wasn't much to look at. but anyways, i kept on sneaking peeks inside. there was this really cute girl in a white sweatshirt. she kind of looked like a cross between k3 and another friend of mine, jessica. CUTE! however, when she and her friends came out, i listened to them talk, and her voice was a little deeper than i had imagined, and it was kind of a turn off. oh well. i guessed that they were in high school, although geoff thought they were older than that. i think geoff's perfect job is something like a vigilante. i wish him the best of luck. ok. the euphoria is over. work is nagging me again. fuck. oh, speaking of jessica. she was a girl who attended this chinese summer camp that i used to go to. i rather fancied her little spunky self back then. she liked me back, and i remember during our little camp dances, i would ask her to dance, and we'd basically just be standing there, hugging for the entire length of the song. now here's the scandalous thing... and i'm going to try to phase it in the WORST way possible... um, that summer, i was about to become a senior in high school, and she had just come out of ELEMENTARY school. AAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!! *runs away and hides* oh, that's so embarassing. granted, i was really young for my grade, but yeah... sketchy, i know. |