| 3 apr 2002 "-do you have murder and rage in your soul? -... in... astonishing quantities..." so sad. college basketball is over. monday night i stopped by jamba juice, as a smoothie is the only way i can get myself to ingest fruits. i called up jeremy and basically invited myself to his place to watch the championship game. and it was one of the ugliest basketball games i have ever seen. i don't think either team should have been proud to have that game as a showcase of their championship form. but in any case, i felt sad that another season has come to an end. i am always a sucker for those final sports montages where they play some cheesy inspirational song and flash through images of athletes celebrating, crying, cheering, etc. this time, though, espn set the montage to a rather trendy tune... this song by the x-cutioners, with a linkin park dude doing the vocals. what's worse, espn has reported today that stanford's top two players, jacobsen and borchardt, are declaring for the nba draft. shit. that means stanford will suck next year, which has been something that i haven't experienced since i was an undergrad. the other day i was driving on the 101 and i saw this car with the license plate "FLY GIRL." what's that supposed to mean? anyways, the car was something tame like a toyota corolla or something, and the woman driving it looked like a 6th grade teacher in the 80's... big hair, oversized lame-looking sunglasses, and a rather large nose. hm. fly girl? whatever. i was acting really weird at the bowling alley last night. looking back at it, i think it was the heat. i don't know if it was just me, but i was totally burning up. and the agitation just made me crazy. i started whooping, barking, yelling, cursing... basically it was like i was overtaken with a vocal form of tourette's. i think it's really hard to figure out where to draw the line when i'm animated. i can't tell where my silliness begins and where my tourette's takes over. or maybe it's just all one big continuum. *shrug* but anyways, i get in certain moods where i just get really loud and crazy, and i fancy that it's my body's way of enacting a "behavior tic" in a socially acceptable manner. i mean, i may not have had tics early in college, but i was a total freak, and i think that was the manifestation of my TS. one incident that readily comes to mind is when i was eating lunch, and suddenly, i just stuck my hand in my mashed potatoes and flung it onto the window. yup. seems like a tic to me. but at the time, people just thought i was outrageous and weird. i have completely forgotten why i used to like my job. when i first started, i loved the challenge. i loved coding. but now, all that seems like such a distant memory that now all i see is ugliness. i don't know how to get that back. i think a part of it is that there is no end in sight. before, there were finite points in time where things would be "complete"; like i would move from junior high to high school, or i would graduate. but now, when i finish a project there's no celebration, no break... all that happens is that the next project gets assigned. so all that's in front of is a string of jobs, abutting each other all the way to infinity... and no end in sight. i think that depresses the hell out of me, and the only thing i can see with my eyes is work, and nothing but work. so i guess i need a change. which is quite contradictory, because i have always thought that i was a person who craved stasis. hm. i don't get myself. yuck. i was playing with the inner edge of my ear, and i seemed to have scraped off a scab or something. it didn't hurt, but it looks like a scab. how the hell i got a cut there, i have no idea. i wonder what my college friends think of me. they have seen me through these past 10 years, and in this decade, i have changed a lot, from a silly boy who used to bounce around incessantly to a lazy, apathetic blob. no wonder some of them have been concerned for a long time now about me being clinically depressed. for the most part, my friends have all kind of stayed the same, and i think that's a good thing... but i seem to be one of the few that has completely degenerated. what happened? how come i got old so fast? i guess i'm like a magnesium flare or something. i burn really intensely, but only for a short while. nobody ever taught me about maintaining longevity. fuckers. hm. i was sniffing my jeans, and for a moment there, i thought i smelled krispy kreme donuts. i think it's time to wash these pants. so this weekend i came up with a plan to force me to get out of bed earlier. basically, i implicated alan into this whole mess. basically, i made him literally ask me to wake up earlier. the way i figured, if i twisted the situation around to involve me trying to not let a friend down, then i would be motivated to do my best. sounds reasonable? well, it hasn't worked yet. yesterday was the worst, and i was so mad at myself that i had a scowl on my face most of the day. so last night, i PROMISED myself i would get up when my alarm went off. i would wake up at night routinely to check the clock and tell myself that i only had so much time left to sleep. but when the time came, i started making up all these excuses why i should snooze just one more time. and apparently there were nine excuses. yup. at 9 minutes a clip, that means i stayed in bed an hour and a half long than i was supposed to. god dammit. but i'm going to keep trying. and one of these days, i'm going to do it. *RAAR* what's sad is that monday morning i already knew that i was going to fail. so i woke up, rolled over, and turned off my cell phone to ward off any admonishing calls from alan just in case he decided to check up on me. horrible, just horrible. |