| 21 mar 2002 man. i don't think the meds are working. i mean, sure, i'm not crazy mad any more, but i'm at my baseline, and that baseline is my usual lethargic apathetic depressed self. hm. gotta give these meds more time, i guess. that's all i can do. i was super-detached earlier this afternoon. is this a normal thing? do other people go through this? i mean, these days, nothing is interesting. yuck. i went to play basketball today back at teralogic, and for the first game, i was all excited, scoring 4 of my team's 5 points. but after that, i just became really listless, just standing around the court while my teammates yelled at me for not doing enough on defense. i'm sad. jeremy called me last night. we talked about the job and how i was doing, but i think the real reason why he called was to tell me that he got a job offer... in new hampshire. and the brutal truth is that within a month (or even a few weeks) jeremy and kate will be gone. jeremy has been the most consistent presence among my friends; of all my friends in the bay area, i see him the most often, and i know that his departure from the bay area is going to really bum me out. *sigh* yeah. i'm a selfish bastard. i mean, i should be happy that he got a job in this economic climate, and i should support his decision to move back east to be closer to his family, but damn... i'm going to miss him! i guess history repeats itself. i guess jeremy has established himself as a first-mover of sorts. i mean, he was the first one of us to get married, and his marriage is what caused him, me and alan to all move out of brenton. and how, he's the first to move out of the bay area. i could tell i was upset after we talked last night. i consciously became aware that my forehead was wrinkling and my eyebrows were furrowing. when i took a shower, i started sighing constantly. i hate saying goodbye to friends. especially one of my best friends. so i've helped three of my ex-coworkers at vivace submit resumes to my company. i think i would be a lot happier here if one of my friends worked here. in fact, right now, one of my favorite vivace coworkers is being interviewed. i hope he gets an offer and accepts. i have a feeling it'll make me a lot more excited to come to work in the morning. so we had a meeting today. it was about "partitioning," so i thought we were going to take the chip and split up the jobs among the engineers. however, it was actually about floorplanning the chip, i.e. partitioning the chip into subsections for layout purposes. anyways, i was all set to loudly denounce my parser and declare that i no longer wanted to work on it. yup. i was going to wimp out like a wuss and bail. but then the miracle happened. my project lead first jokingly said that my parser was no longer needed. i did a double take, and being my gullble self, said, "REALLY?" and started smiling. then i said, "well, that's great, because i didn't want to do it anymore!" everyone laughed, but i don't think they knew that i was totally serious. and then, he said that he was going to take over the block, and this time, he was being serious. i cannot describe the sense of relief that spread all over my body as the truth sunk in. i mean, it was like some holy beam of light had punched its way through the ceiling and started shining directly on me, enveloping me with this incredible encouraging warmth. and then i started hearing a choir sing. i was saved. god damn i feel good now. the parser is off my back. i think it's really weird that i have limitations now. or rather, it's weird that i put limitations on myself now. i used to be so fucking fearless. i loved challenges, i loved getting down and dirty and slaving furiously over my assignments. but now, i think i've just grown tired. or scared. or jaded. or burnt out. i mean, deep down, i know that i can still be amazing. but now, my body and mind don't seem to care any more. it's like my mind has a mind of its own. i try to direct it and focus it on a certain task at hand, and it simply looks at it, shrugs, and walks away. fucker. how do you cure apathy? really. i want to know. i got a jury duty notice the other day. it's schedule for mid-april. i really wanted to get out of it, and there's a little box i could have checked saying that i had a mental or physical disability that prevented me for serving. i bet i could use tourette's as an excuse to get out of it. all i needed was a doctor's note. but then, i felt guilty. i felt bad for hiding behind my disorder to shirk away from the responsibility of being a good citizen. and i felt lame and weak for essentially declaring that tourette's prevents me from functioning normally. i mean, the whole POINT is the i should stand up and show the world that i will not let TS keep me down, right? so anyways, after thinking about it some more, i finally checked the box that says "capable" or whatever and mailed it in. but TS does scare me. i mean, what if i start ticcing in the courtroom? ugh. i'll get so embarassed. another case in point... i got a letter yesterday about my 10-year high school reunion. it's in june. i mean, there aren't many friends that i'd like to see, but i do think it would be interesting. but once again, i thought about my TS, and it just really discouraged me from going. my TS went away during high school, so unlike my college friends who have known me as a ticcy kind of guy, i think i would shock pretty much everybody from high school. and i just don't want to deal with that. i guess i still envision my high school peers as being in high school. so that means that i still think they're judgmental, clique-oriented, harsh, you know... basically they'd make fun of me. so yup. i don't think i'm going. besides, (i'm rationalizing here, can you tell?) i could probably count on one hand the number of people that i'd actually want to see. what's funny about high school is that i actually had a good time while i was there. i have some decent memories of that period of my life. but after going through college, the high school experience completely fades into almost a mockery of how good life can get... so i find it amusing that ignorance is indeed bliss. heh. which reminds me. yeah, i had a maroon members only jacket. in junior high, i wore it all the time. but what i don't get is why it happened that all the dorks had them. what attracted us to them? |