| 20 mar 2002 maybe my medication is making me sensitive to light. i've been sitting in front of my computer at work, and after only an hour, i'm already starting to get a headache. hm. i miss the easy-on-the-eyes LCD panel of my iMac back home. *sniff* people here at work know that i was out for a week. they also know that i was sick. one of my coworkers asked if i had the flu. i shrugged and said i didn't know what i had. i wonder how he'd react if i told him i was fucked up in the head. maybe he'd start avoiding me. so when a couple of us went to see _ice age_ sunday night, we saw the latest _star wars_ trailer. apparently, at the end, there is a website URL in tiny letters. it's kind of goofy. basically, it's a website that portrays the latest news and events from the movie's point of view. i've been eating many of these mcdonald's chicken breast parmesan sandwiches. mcd's is the closest place from work, as well as the closest place from leghorn, so whenever i run out and grab food, it's invariable from there. i can tell i've eaten so many of these chicken things because i know how they taste coming back up. ewwww... with my eating habits, it's a wonder i'm not dead from clogged arteries or something already. i wish they could come up with a lazy man's nutritional supplement. like take good foods like salmon, spinach, blueberries, etc. and just mash it all up into a cube that i can swallow with water. i really don't know if i will ever get to the point where i eat a healthy balanced diet with a good variety of different foods. hell, yesterday, i had some pieces of broccoli, and that's probably the first time i had something green in weeks. kate made some of this boneless turkey roast last night. it's really weird. it's a huge chunk of turkey meat, but it's half dark, and half white meat! it's like they took all this meat and glued it together to form this two-toned loaf of turkey. i wonder how they did it. i examined it closely, and it *looked* natural... hm. i was all set to scarf down a nice big piece of turkey skin, but then i flipped it over, and saw that the back side was a solid spongey squishy cake of fat. in my younger days, i still would have eaten it, but this time i passed it up and threw it away. i went bowling for the first time in three weeks. clearly being severely depressed put a damper in my motivation to drive 40 miles (round trip) to hurl 12-pound balls at helpless white pins. i was pretty happy to see mike and geoff again. and the bowling rust was apparent when i scored a whopping SIX in my first two frames. but amazingly enough, during the second game, i led all the players with a 165. yeah, i feel better, but i can tell things aren't quite right yet. before i went to jeremy and kate's place for dinner last night, i was lying on the couch, taking a powernap. the moment i opened my eyes, my heart started palpitating so hard that i felt like i was shaking. god damn. these days, whenever my phone rings when i'm sleeping, i get really startled. ugh. so i'm wondering why i'm better now. is it because of the rest i got, or is it because of the medication? i don't like either answer. if it's because of the rest, then it's discouraging because that means that my body simply has to shut down once in a while, and i'll have to take off work weeks at a time. *RAAR* fuck. and if it's because of the meds, then that means i'm back to becoming permanently dependent on drugs to keep me sane. that's no good, either! shit. but yeah, i'm glad to feel better. but what nags at the back of my mind is that this will happen again. i can't fool myself any more into thinking that my latest breakdown is my last. i have never been able to predict when these things happen, so it's like walking through a fucking minefield. these past two days, sleep has been fucking BEAUTIFUL. i think the best thing is that i've been having great dreams lately. shit. this morning i remembered what the dreams were, but now i can't remember. um... the only one that is still in my brain is from two nights ago, when i was a woman, and i was in this tight pink outfit (and yes, i had real BREASTS!), and i looked in a full-length mirror and realized that i was totally HOT. so my old company vivace laid off most of its ASIC (chip design) team. like 18 of them. what the hell is going on... it makes me sad to know that the company couldn't afford to keep together such an amazingly talented team. *sigh* stupid economy. there's this article in the latest issue of the stanford magazine where they talk about the big internet boom and bust, and the article gets all pedantic and says that we're better off in this downturn. uh... are you fucking kidding me? no, thank you, but i'd rather be in the old period of ridiculously high valuations and people turning into millionaires overnight so that i can finally make my little fortune, retire, and do something i really like. i felt like puking after reading that article. i have no idea where they found people who actually said, "i don't miss my posh salary." i am not ashamed to say that i want money. no, i don't think money equates with happiness, but i sure does help. it's not like i buy extravagant things, either... i love my trusty honda accord, and i hate fine dining. but i think what money does for me is buy peace of mind. and being as neurotic and freaky crazy as i am, peace of mind is priceless. anyways, i don't have enough energy for a full-on rant, so i'll stop here. so my latest issue of _time_ reports on this place in new york called remote lounge. it's a bar where video cameras are all over the place, and you can scan the people from camera to camera on a video screen in front of you, and if you see someone you like, you can ping them and talked to them on a phone. dude. sounds hella neat. there's that slight tint of anonymity and lurkerdom that takes the edge off of brutal direct interaction. shit. 2:45 pm. if i were home right now, i'd be watching _pti_ on espn. i swear, it's one of the best shows on television (that is, if you like sports). i am in desperate need for more human contact. sitting in front of a computer all day is a ridiculous waste of existence. maybe i should go into sales or counselling or even telemarketing. damn. i was reading my freshman journal the other day, and every entry was filled with various interactions with people. it's like college was one huge 4-year conversation. and i miss that. oh. i want to thank everyone who wrote me and called me and took the time to hang out with me during the past two weeks. you know who you are. thanks. something a friend of mine wrote made me smile... "I mean, the world is a better, more interesting place with you in it, AND I need someone to watch the next Growing Pains reunion TV special with." |