| 13 mar 2002 trepidation. so i went to see the psychiatrist today. there was a lot of me sitting there, explaining all the shit i've been going, and the doctor scribbling in his pad with his fancy fountain pen. in the end, as expected... the result was some drug prescriptions. i guess that's what i went there for, and now it's time to see what happens with these medications. so i got put on effexor and risperdal. the first is for the depression and anxiety, and the second one is for the tourette's. the whole thing bothers me, though. i mean, the whole purpose of getting off the haldol a few weeks ago was that i didn't want to be permanently medicated. every drug has side effects, and these two meds are no different. it's such a bad position to be in because you basically have to make a choice of either being in the current shitty state, or being in another state where some symptoms may be ameliorated but side effects can be just as bad. yup. tough choice. i guess my decision now is that the unmedicated state is unacceptable, so i'm willing to try the meds. but in the long run, i still think i'm fucked... after the appointment, i went back to the office and basically read up on the web on effexor. there is some crazy shit that some people go through with this drug... stuff that is making me very scared. even getting *off* effexor seems like hell to some people... i won't list all the problems that these people have, but trust me, they sound like something i never want to experience. hm. i'm trying to get some perspective on this, and the truth is that maybe it won't be so bad. i mean, sure, i'm reading all the bad press, but maybe the good stuff isn't as prevalent on the web, so i'm getting a warped perspective. who knows. i so want to believe that there is a natural solution to my problems. that someday i'll be able to get through it without any medication. is it possible? i don't know. i mean, when you get to a certain point, your brain is just that fucked up, and medication is the only solution. i just don't know if i'm at that point. but there horror stories aren't helping . i know some friends who tried something as benign as birth control pills, and yet they got so messed up that they had to stop out of school for a while. that's just birth control! with these potent neuro meds, the potential just seems that much more dangerous. i need to have some patience and tolerance. i mean, if effexor doesn't work out, then i just have to deal with that and move on. but it's going to take weeks to see what happens, and i just want an answer NOW. ugh. thanks to those of you who have written me. i know a lot of people are concerned, and most of you want to help. god, i wish that were possible. it would be so nice if i could get better just by people chipping in their words of encouragement and hope. but in the end, it really comes down to me, doesn't it? *i* have to get over this madness. but anyways, i haven't been writing my e-mail recently, but i promise that i will write back to everyone as soon as i can. i kind of wish i hadn't read all those horror stories on effexor. yeah, i think i should be informed on all aspects, but i don't think i can keep it in perspective... i fret way too much about the bad over the good. one of my favorite anime is vampire princess miyu. miyu (who is obviously a vampire, duh), goes around and hunts these demons that somehow escaped. but the point here is that miyu has only one friend, this dude named larva. larva wears this metal mask and this huge blue cloak. there are a few images of miyu walking up to larva, and he just envelopes her in his blue cloak. it just seems so comforting, to have this unconditional friend who will always be there to protect you. and that's a feeling that i really want these days. so i have a slip from my doctor authorizing a leave of absence from work. my company allows for 5 days of medical leave, provided i have this doctor's note. (feels like high school, doesn't it?) this little piece of paper is sitting right next to me, and it's bringing me a lot of conflict. on one hand, i know that i want (need) a break, any break. on the other hand, i am feeling incredibly guilty about taking time off my job when everyone else at the company is working so hard to meet deadlines and get the chip out. i feel like i should be in the thick of it with them. (god dammit, i'm a team member!) and what's worse, i know that i am able to do that, and it's just that my mind and body won't let me. i can't tell you how frustrating that feels. and the worst thing is that i don't even think 5 days is enough time for me. it will take weeks to evaluate my medication, so what do i do when my medical leave is over? i guess i could take an unpaid leave, but ugh... that's like admitting that i am just not fit for work right now, and if i can't physically work, what the hell am i good for? ah, brain chemistry. too complicated. i was telling mike yesterday that sometimes i just wish i were a dog; just give me a bone and some food, and i'll wag my tail and be happy. seems like such a wonderful thing. |