| 12 mar 2002 "she whispers 'please remember me when i am gone from here' she whispers 'please remember me but not with tears... remember i was always true remember that i always tried remember'" heh. so much for rita and jan telling me to listen to happy music. i don't know why i have these tendencies to push the boundaries of my limits. i mean, that's a dangerous thing i'm doing... what if i go too far? i guess i have this crazy value system where i respect people who push themselves to the brink of sanity, and then have the wherewithall to make a safe retreat. dude. i think i should stop where i am... i think i've gone far enough. so yesterday was the most normal day i've had in a week. my appetite during lunch was actually decent, and i actually caught myself smiling a few times. but then again, my tics were really harsh yesterday. ah, to remind myself that now not only do i have this crazy depression and anxiety, but i also have tourette's. triple fucking whammy! thanks to kate and jeremy for baking me the wonderful lemon pound cake. shit, i have good friends. saturday night, we were watching _the last castle_, and one guy in the movie was eating a sandwich which i mistook for a pound cake. and i declared, "i like pound cake." the following day, bam! i got a huge upside down sydney opera house-shaped behemoth of a pasty sitting in the kitchen. not willing to let my psychological state interfere with my quest to become more informed about the world, i did some extensive naked _time_ magazine reading last night. pretty peaceful, but then again, the tics were so intense that i kept clenching the magazine to the point where all the pages got rumpled and i got all this ink on my fingers. if you look at the stack of _time_ on our coffee table, all of them have these crazy folds and creases and fingerprints. damn. i woke up today, and i thought about work. oops. shouldn't have done that. my heart started pounding again, and i could feel the panic setting in. when i think about work, i visualize the little pipeline that i have drawn out on the engineering pad in my cubicle. so it's like seven little rectangles connected by lines. that's what i see in my head. and the moment i saw those rectangles, i started freaking out again. pavlov, i salute you. i got in some basketball today, but all my shots were incredibly short. maybe my body is weak? but anyways, the exercise was good for me, but like saturday when jeremy and i went to go shoot some hoops, the benefit slowly drained out of my system until i was back to my agitated self again. i'm pissed. i was hoping that this breakdown would be another one of my patented "tuesday to tuesday" week-long crazy spells, but apparently it's more serious than that. didn't i mention a few weeks ago that you guys might witness the complete unravelling of a dardy right here on this journal? i think that my persistence in updating is kind of surprising me... i really have no desire to keep writing, yet... for some reason i force myself to keep doing it. i'm such a fucking masochist. mind over matter. now there's a thought. some people could probably say that i can just get a grip and take control of my mind. you know, i kind of believe that was possible. but now, i'm finding out that taken to extreme circumstances, mind of matter is complete bullshit. it just doesn't work. that pisses me off. have you guys seen _a beautiful mind_? this isn't really a spoiler or anything, but there's that scene where the main character (who has severe schizophrenia) refuses his medication and declares, "i will *REASON* myself out of it!" yeah, right. fucking fraud. ARGH! it's not helping that those rectangles on my paper pad are sitting right next to my keyboard. every time i glance over at them, it feels like i'm getting jolted with this crazy electricity. stupid stupid stupid damn rectangles! *pukes* go away! the most frustrating thing about this is that i know this stuff isn't hard. it's just seven fucking rectangles. the old me would probably finish the code in maybe an hour, if that. what, i can't do one HOUR's worth of work? what the hell is WRONG with me? holy crap that is such weak sauce. god damn. now i'm mad. i can't wait until my psych appointment tomorrow. somebody please feed me meds. one of my friends told me that with the right meds, the world just seems completely different. i can't even fathom how that must feel, but boy, do i ever need a change of perspective. it must seem like such a trivial thing to most of you out there. benboy asked me a while back what the opposite of tourette's was. i thought about it for a few seconds, and replied, "a lobotomy." and you know, that really doesn't sound so bad right now. so i wonder if there are any meds which can help my triple whammy. i mean, with depression, it's like not enough shit is going on in my brain. with the anxiety and the tourette's, it's like way too much shit is happening. so how the hell are they going to deal with that? what a challenge... hm. what to do... part of me wants to see what state i'll be in if i try some coding. but then again, that is the morbidly curious side of me talking. but i so want to kick these little rectangle's asses. and maybe i'll actually get over the anxiety if i finish the work. hm. *ponder* *glances over at the paper* ugh. sorry. can't do it. and yet... indecision! *RAAR* i wish i were stupid. bring on that damn lobotomy. |