| 8 mar 2002 holy shit. crazy stuff has happened in the last 24 hours. if i don't write an entry on a weekday, it's probably because something bad happened. wednesday night, while i was sleeping, i did a routine flip-over from my left side to the right side. and suddenly, my heart started going crazy, beating twice as fast. margaret said it was "palpitations," and since i'm probably not old enough to have heart problems, she said it was probably due to anxiety. ugh. i woke up yesterday pretty much shaking. not visibly shaking, but i felt like my whole body was vibrating. after sitting in my cube for a while, i realized i was having something like a severe panic attack. i've barfed maybe a dozen times in the past two days. nothing stays down, not even water. i find myself trying to eat more to compensate for the fact that a significant chunk of it will be purged. and all in all, i've lost almost 10 pounds in the recent past. i did a little coding yesterday, and it felt like trying to run through a pool... as hard as i tried to churn, very little was happening. my brain felt all staticky, like the little circuits in my head were popping and blowing up. after a few times of having to dash out of the office to yack in the bushes, i realized that there was no way that i was going to get any more work done, so i went home early and just tried to relax. i watched tv, but i never felt quite settled. my whole body just kept on churning, and i kept on puking. after i watched _friends_ (which really sucked), i took a shower and tried to go to sleep. and that's when things got even worse. because there were no other distractions, all i could do was focus on how my body and mind were freaking out. i was all too aware that my body felt like a car that was popped in neutral, but with the person inside still flooring the gas pedal. i flopped around my bed like an epileptic fish. i screamed a couple of times. when i looked at my KMFDM poster, the letters seemed to jump out at me. i started punching myself and slamming my head into the bed. i started whimpering and wheezing. i wanted to get out of bed and crawl around and run into walls and bite doorknobs. i had unreasonably morbid thoughts about kitchen knives and razors and guns. my whole body was itching like crazy. so basically, i completely flipped out. it was absolutely insane. i was really close to getting up and begging jay or margaret to take me to the psychiatric ward for some tranquilizers or something. but then, one of the main things that held me back was the fact that i didn't have my health insurance cards yet. so i stayed in bed, witnessing this crazy spectacle put on by myself. after about an hour of the living nightmare, for some reason, it just stopped. suddenly. it felt like i had run through this flaming collapsing building, and suddenly escaped to a peaceful meadow. i didn't believe it was over. i tested myself; i asked myself if i felt like running into a wall, and i said, "no." i looked at my poster, and nothing jumped out. i even did the ultimate test: i thought about work, and i wasn't scared. and then, i started laughing to myself. even the most awful experience can seem humorous once you know it's over. and i even remember thinking, "dude, that was COOL!" and soon after, i peacefully fell asleep. but then, when i woke up this morning, that same buzzing feeling was there again. fuck me. so, i'm thinking there are a few possible causes for this. one, the cumulative stress of work combined with the current stress of my project are getting to me. i mean, i used to be able to handle pressure without so much as a blink of an eye. but for whatever reason, i just can't take it any more. two... maybe it's got something to do with the withdrawal effects of haldol. i've been on it for over a year, and i quit two weeks ago cold turkey. i didn't consult my neurologist, something which i may regret now. don't fuck with antipsychotic meds, that's all i want to say. but anyways, i don't know how long this will keep happening. in the meantime, this is all i'm thinking about. the thing about having crazy problems like this is that it makes me really selfish. i just don't give a shit about anything else. i didn't care that stanford lost really badly in the 1st round of the pac-10 tournament. i didn't care that our party next week is most likely going to turn out a fucking sausage-fest. i didn't care about the pistachio ice cream that margaret offered me (which must have been good). when i'm fucked up, nothing else matters. and i just can't help it. i don't know what to do. i want explanations. i want to make sure this never happens again. and the sinking feeling i'm getting is that i can't control this; i am a complete slave to my system. and once that realization truly sets in, i don't know how i can ever make peace with that. i wish i knew why i have to go through this. i mean, if i had at least had some reason, i could pretend i was some martyr or something, you know? but instead, there's nothing... no clues. no reasons. no hint of what's going on and why i am suffering through this. well, anyways. i hope all of you guys out there appreciate your sanity. |