| 6 mar 2002 "stop the world stop the world i'm getting off" holy shit i'm scared. i feel like i want to explode. it's like that feeling where i'm going in for some nasty surgery, and they're telling me that they don't have any anesthesia, so i have to bear the brunt of the pain all by myself. so basically, work is going to kick my ass for a while. my assignment seems easy enough... the initial documentation is pretty clear, i know what i need to implement, but for whatever reason, i'm absolutely petrified. it feels awful to be horrified by work. i mean, it doesn't really make sense... why would be ever be scared by it? it may be tough, it may be challenging, but if we just sit down and grind it out, it'll eventually get done, right? i mean, it's *got* to happen. i know this, but still, it doesn't keep me from feeling like i'm in for something crazy painful. the last (and only other) time i felt like this, i went out and bought a sleeping bag, and on the following wednesday, i told myself i wasn't going to go home. and instead, i was going to code all night and crash at the office. i really don't want to have to do that again. *RAAR* well, i'm thinking... there's no new _dawson's creek_ tonight, so i wonder if i have the stamina to stay extra late (as long as i make it home for _sportscenter_). the sooner i figure this shit out, the better i'll feel. i mean, i shouldn't complain. this is what's expected from people who work at startups, right? it's not supposed to be an easy ride... they pay me to work like a dog, so that's what i'll have to do. i guess i'm just not used to it any more. ok. i don't want to talk about this any more. but my mood has definitely changed. this next week or so at work... it's not going to be fun, and i know each day i'll just pray that the day ends soon so i can go home and recuperate. life has to suck some time, right? i'm such a whiny bitch. i forgot mention that mike told me he had this dream about me. apparently, he and a bunch of guys were standing around feeling lame, and i burst in, a girl on each arm and an entourage of women following me. wow. i must have been like the WWF's godfather, the super master pimp. how odd of him to dream of me as a pimp, because it's probably the furthest thing from the real me as you can get. and i also skipped the bowling night with mike and his friends last night, for the first time this year. i know i could have used some relaxation, but after i came home, all shaking and bothered from thinking about work, i decided that i just had to stay home and calm down. not that bowling is chock full of uber-excitement, but i just didn't want any more agitation, even if it was good agitation. ARRGH. my hands feel incredibly naked. for the first time since i-don't-remember-when, i chewed off every single nail. ick. i still bite my nails, but i haven't bitten them this severely in a long long time. there are only two reasons why i do it... if i'm bored, or if i'm nervous. you can guess which case it was yesterday. my project lead james says my assignment on this chip is a good introduction to networking. maybe. he also says that it's kind of like my "bootcamp." grrreattt. that sounds fun. i wish that jack johnson "flake" song ended before it gets all funky. it's like two completely different songs spliced together; and the first part is really pretty! i heard an stripped-down acoustic version of it the other day, and it was just perfect because they ended after the first phase. i watched part of the premiere of the mtv series _the osbournes_ last night. it's basically a _real world_ take on ozzy osbourne's family. there's something about them that fascinates me. they're just kind of freaks, but freaks that are really amusing. the two kids are obviously spoiled with all the money, and everyone's vulgar and says "fuck" all the time, and i dunno. there's one amusing scene where someone finds a bayonet, and ozzy and his son get all excited as ozzy digs out his rifle and they try to attach the bayonet to the gun. what a family. ah, to have a father who used to bite the heads off of bats. i think some of the luckiest people are the ones who love their jobs. what the fuck has happened to me? i used to love technical challenges. i mean, it's only a few months ago that i was enjoying all the little brain teaser and questions that were being thrown at me during my interviews. what's different now? sometimes i wonder if i have lost all perspective. i mean, i have a roommate whose job demands something orders of magnitude higher than mine does. he's on his feet at the hospital the whole time; he has to pull all-nighters every 4 nights or something; he actually has real human lives in his hands as he operates. and i can't appreciate that i'm lucky that i get to slouch in my puffy chair in a cubicle? that i actually get to sleep at a reasonable hour every night? and that i probably make over twice the salary that he's pulling in? holy fuck. i think my vision and appreciation are no longer functioning. speaking of doctors, since i didn't go bowling last night, i caught _scrubs_ (9:30 on NBC) for the first time this year. i really really like that show. there's something about the humor that gets to me; it has an edge that i appreciate. and for whatever reason, this show, above all other medical shows (like ER, chicago hope), makes me respect doctors, even to the point where i have a tiny desire to be one, too. all right. it's time to commit. time to grab lunch, have a preparatory smoke, and dig into coding up this fucking bastard. |