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| 5 mar 2002 "- so there's how you perceive yourself, how others perceive you, and how you *think* others perceive you. - wow. did you get this out of a book or something? - no, i came up with it myself. that's deep, huh?" ah, the wonders of self-pontification. seems like an apparently re-entry into singlehood has one of my friends pondering more about things like that. both jay and i are impressed. *sigh* my sleep schedule. all fucked up. i actually got up an hour earlier today, but the only reason was that i went to sleep TWO hours earlier last night. so the net result is that i slept for a nice twelve hours on a weekday. fuck me. but the plan of the day is to get this entry out before lunch, and code like fucking mad for the rest of the day. which will be satisfying, no doubt, but for the last four or so weekdays at work, i've ended the day with crazy splitting headaches. advil has been my best friend. mallory thinks that maybe i'm permanently dehydrated. i mean, all i drink each weekday is about two or three cans of soda. that's it. maybe that causes headaches? hm. ok. i'll try drinking more soda today then. so a rather cute thing happened to me over the weekend. this online journalist read about my little fantasy and told me that she would ask me out on a date. cute!! well, she's like 6 years younger than me and lives on a different CONTINENT, but still... i thought it was a really endearing gesture. so saturday night, after we left the ucsf party, a small group of us headed over to ydrian's place near noe valley. steve must have noticed that everyone there was chinese, so he started speaking in mandarin, telling us all to do the same. i'm not sure why he had such a desire; even though i may be surrounded by people who can speak the language, i never have any inclination to bust out into mandarin... it just seems a little foreign to me. sometimes i've seen a group of people who do that, and my perception is that they're trying to keep the other language-challenged folks out of the conversation, which is kind of rude, methinks. ethnocentric bastards. but anyways, the chinese conversation didn't go very far, but it got me thinking... yes, i would actually consider myself more american than chinese, and yes, i've lost the reading and writing skills, but i don't think i'm quite ready to give up the speaking and listening skills. what i ultimately mean is that i'd like to end up with somebody who can do the same. i guess that means a chinese girl, right? but anyways, i would imagine that if my descendants continue to live in the states, eventually, a few generations down, the chinese language skills will completely disappear. i just have to accept that. but i guess i'm not ready to let go of it myself. and while i can't say that i'm motivated enough to learn *more* about my language (reading and writing), i'm just not willing to lose any more of it. maybe it's because i'm lazy. i mean, i think that if i had a family that was of mixed heritage, i tend to imagine there's some responsibility and work involved in raising the kids with the right "mix" of culture. i mean, the two parents would probably have to take turns teaching the kid different aspects of his identity. i know of one family where the kid is like an italian/japanese mix, and the mom and dad take turns every night conversing with the kid in the parent's native languages. i dunno. i don't think being hapa is bad at all, and it may not even be confusing or difficult for some people. but i just don't feel inclined to have any myself, even though damn, a whole lot of them grow up to be beautiful people. hm. i think i'm thinking too much again. yesterday was weird. i was talking to jay and margaret and alan about the "dirt" in my life, and while there's stuff to say, the reality of it is that my little drama actually amounts to nothing. because nothing is going to happen; the only waves that are rippling through my current state are entirely created by myself. kind of lame, i have to say. sometimes i wonder what purpose fantasies serve in our lives. part of me really values being grounded and realistic in life. yet, a big chunk of me does a crazy amount of daydreaming. what good does that do me? it's like filling my life with these ridiculous delusions. kind of a waste of energy, if you ask me. but yet, i still keep on doing it. poor stanford women's basketball team lost last night in the pac-10 championship game. they haven't lost since december, i think... over 20 straight wins. apparently one of their stars, lindsey yamasaki, was out for the game. i think she's rather hot. i think i spotted her at some frat party last year (long story on why i was at a stanford frat party), and dude, she's TALL! i mean, i guess that's expected, but yeah... hot hot hot. ok. i just looked her up. she's 6'1"!! dude. god damn. no basketball today. i'm not getting any exercise these days. but strangely, i've also lost about 7 pounds in the recent weeks. i'm not alarmed yet, because i think 170 is a better weight for me than 180ish, but if i drop into the 160's, i'll have to start stuffing myself with food again. oh. shit. speaking of basketball... let me post up this pic... i strongly suggest looking at the full-size image. but anyways, there is something about that picture that really makes me crazy. i mean, there's the standard maxim-type buttons that are pushed... the wisp of hair in front of her face, the tight mini-shorts, lots of leg, a *hint* of a cameltoe, the push-up bra action. but i think the basketball adds some other dimension to it... like it shows that she's not just making a generic seductive pose, but she's actually good at bball, and she's gonna kick your ass at one-on-one. and afterwards, when her body is all glistening with sweat, she'll lead you into the (empty) women's locker room and dominate you once again in the showers... and on top of that... there's the red hair. yup. (AND it's short! short hair on the right person is sexy, no doubt.) not that i've ever gone out with a redhead, but there's something about the color that hits a hormonal nerve in my system. some might postulate that it's the knowledge that her pubes will be red, too. a literal crotch of fire. a flaming muff. and besides, her name is rad... just looking at the spelling of "alyson" makes me excited. i've realized that names are really important. to me, at least. if i'm going to be saying, whispering, and moaning a name thousands of times, it needs to be a good one. it needs to drip off the tongue, and not sound too harsh. not to offend anyone, but i can't imagine a name like "edgar" ever sounding too good. ok. the fun part of today is over. (and it's only 12:24.) now i have to do my best at coding up a storm. |
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