 |
|
 |
| 4 mar 2002 "a yellow light means go FASTER!" very interesting unexpected weekend. so thurday night, jeremy tells me that jan is coming in for the weekend. cool, since i like jan (she is the one girl that makes short hair look FABULOUS). we met up for dinner at her friend vanessa's house on friday night... a standard bbq. vanessa's guatemalan husband made this funky "special sauce" out of mustard, lots of full-fat mayonnaise, ketchup, weird spices. he slathered it all over our buns, and at first, it was really good and rich. but afterwards, i just kept throwing up. way too much fat and grease. ick. the only really notable event of the night was that jan brought over a friend of hers from china, so there was a period when there were conversations in spanish, mandarin and english going on simultaneously. and since i can understand all three languages (spanish takes a lot of effort, though), i was just sitting there, soaking it all in. and the mental strain was so great that i literally got DIZZY. i had to get up and sit myself in the corner, holding my head because i was just thinking way too hard. so anyways, when i first got to jeremy's house before the bbq, mallory called me up. she wanted to hang out a bit before her dinner engagement, but i couldn't really ditch my friends, so i just said that we'd try to meet up later on in the weekend. more on that soon. saturday morning, i headed over to shoreline park (the first picture on the top left) with jeremy, kate, and jan. we ate our togo's sandwiches and walked around. holy shit, it was a beautiful day. but anyways, i wanted to post that picture because it shows off one of my favorite shirts. i LOVE diagonal stripes.. i mean, how often do you see a shirt like that? i have to thank k2 for giving me that for my birthday a few years ago. and then, we picked up jan's friend sandra and headed off to an animal shelter. basically, we wanted to coerce sandra into getting a dog. dogs are so CUTE! but the shelter really got me depressed. i mean, all these unwanted, abandoned, possibly abused animals living in small pens, just hoping that some kind person will adopt them. it really got me down. there was this one furball named leilani that just lookd so sad with its eyes. when people walked by the cages, most other dogs would get excited and jump around with their tails wagging furiously, but leilani just lethargially walk over, stare at your eyes with great melancholy, and i dunno... it was a really sad thing to see. *sob* on the drive back from the shelter in redwood city, i gave mallory a call. i wound up talking to her for an hour on my cell phone, while she shopped for groceries at 99 ranch, and i got cigarettes at safeway. i guess we're kind of in a stage where we're just getting to know each other, so apparently we had a lot to talk about. i think these days, i come across as a really fragile person. fragile, weak, tired, neurotic, nervous... i think it's really bad for my image. i mean, i used to be such a stable strong person; k1 used to call me "a rock." what the fuck happened to me? man. it's not good for people to think of me like this... i think it makes me rather undesirable... oh well. but anyways, mallory invited me to go up to the city with her for dinner with her friend ydrian (sp?) at brothers. i debated about this for a long long time. i mean, i really had a serious case of couch potato inertia. so i thought about calling her back and declining. but i gave myself a serious kick in the ass and said that since last week was spent alone and at home the whole time, i had BETTER get out this weekend. so i dragged myself out, picked her up, and headed to brothers. it took us twenty fucking minutes to find parking. and i reminded myself of why i will NEVER live in the city. dinner was fine, though i really wasn't hungry, and afterwards we went next door to this thing called maze cafe. it was really cool! like a karaoke bar/lounge for chinese people. i really liked it, and if i ever go up to the city and just want to chill out with my whiskey, i'm gonna go there (provided i find parking). it wasn't too loud, not too crowded, and although the people were kind of thuggish (as the girls pointed out), it was better than other places i've been to, where it was packed like a zoo and so loud you had to shout. afterwards, we went to some house party near the haight; small world, i bumped into jeremy's friends brad and cliff... and i also saw alan's high school friend steve, who i was first introduced to a few weeks ago at sno-drift and xyz. oh, and my friend jason was there, too. apparently we didn't know that the party theme was "headgear," so there were people there with outrageous hats and wigs. that second picture was taken when i borrowed some random person's pink afro wig. it was amusing to wear, but it got really hot after a while. this is all exposition, but the bottom line was that for the first time this year, i had a good time at a party in the city. yup. i think the difference was that girls were there. granted, the girls i went with were taken, but still, there's something about being seen with women that changes the whole image. so why is that so? why is it that a group of girls dancing is ok, but a group of just guys looks really lame and pathetic? i really don't understand why, but it just _is_. the whole night, i was trying to get mallory drunk. because this is the first weekend she had off in like MONTHS, and i just felt like it was my responsibility to help her have a good time. i mean, i even told her that the reason why i volunteered to drive (despite my loathing for the city) was that she could get plastered and not have to worry about how to get home. so jason and i kept feeding her beer, jack & coke, screwdrivers... and to my satisfaction, she got happy. not sick, but happy. and that's the perfect place to be. *sighs happily* jason was mentioning we should meet up the next day, but both of us wanted to watch _40 days and 40 nights_. so sunday, i got a call saying that we were slated to watch the 5:30 showing at the amc kabuki. fuck, i had to drive up to the city AGAIN?! i mean, i woke up at 2, i was already tired at 3:15, and i had to leave at 4. so that meant i only had 45 minutes to lounge, and while i was splayed out on the futon watching college basketball, i got more and more tired. once again, i had to literally force my ass of lead off the futon and get into my car. so the movie is basically all about sex. awesome. and i loved the gratuitous nudity. even though the plot is about josh hartnett's character abstaining from sex, ironically sex was just all over the place. it makes me wonder... what does blue balls feel like? i have never experienced it, and i just thought the whole movie was kind of an exaggeration or a myth. i mean, going 40 days without sex doesn't seem like a whole lot... shit, i've gone hundreds of days without sex, and i don't have a fraction of the self-imploding feeling that the main character had! *ponder* but anyways, the movie wasn't the greatest, but it was amusing the first time around. i'm not sure if women will like it; i kind of fancied it as an _american pie_ for the 20-something crowd. after dinner at japantown's mifune, i drove mallory back home, and trekked all the way back to palo alto. and that was it. i was fucking tired, even while watching _sportscenter_ (which i hadn't watched since thursday night, so i totally felt out of the loop in the sporting world), and that was followed by some naked _time_ magazine reading. yup. sorry for all the exposition, but that's how most of my monday entries are, anyway. but i assure you, there is a shitload of subtext and crazy stuff flowing underneath the simple facts of what i did; i'm just not letting it out right now. but here's a thought/question: have you ever let yourself get sucked into what you KNOW is a dangerous situation? how far do you let yourself go? i mean, i've always respected people when they knowing get into something shady and possibly addictive, with a high "fuck-up" potential, but they get their hands dirty and before they really get messed up, they pull back and return to the safe side. does that makes sense? but anyways, i've been so bored with life lately that i occasionally let myself roll down the slippery slope. i've given into some little fantasies that really seem innocuous by themselves, but when i add it all up, it becomes something much greater and much more dangerous. it's kind of like self-created drama. so yeah. i'm feeling the aftereffects of it today. my brain is kind of shaking, i'm a little jittery from the reverberations, and honestly, sometimes i don't know why i do this to myself. but i think when it comes down to it, it's just something that makes life more exciting, even though it's not a good thing. (one sidenote: i have got to stop this bulimia thing i have going. i realized that when i'm nervous, i just keep barfing. it's like a plague in my brain, and once it gets going, i can't stop it no matter what i do. i swear, i think throwing up has become a form of severe tic. what to do. i can't keep going on like this). but anyways, sorry for being vague. but i've kind of realized that complete honesty may attract more readers and more interest, but it'll eventually get me into a deep quagmire of trouble... one thing i realized this weekend... honesty just might be overrated. i'm not talking about honesty as in "not lying." i'm talking about telling the whole world EVERYTHING that is going on in my head. and this realization stemmed from the fact that if i let out every single thought i had, i bet i would be able to alienate everybody in my life. everybody. thank goodness we humans aren't telepathic. because if we were, we'd all be alone, i'd bet. |