| 27 feb 2002 so over the weekend, i tried updating, but it turns out this geocities pagebuilder applet won't run on OS X. god damn. does that mean i can't write when i'm at home? say it ain't so! last night i bowled a 300. yup. two games of 150. i wonder what the odds are of bowling the exact same score in two consecutive games. but anyways, i was very pleased, because it was only two weeks ago that i thought i would never bowl 150 or better. i had my first turkey in a long time. when i got home, and i sprawled out on the futon in the living room, i realized that i bowled the entire time with my fly UNZIPPED. how embarassing! hm. i wonder if my fly had anything to do with my performance... like somehow that extra margin of freedom in my crotch gave me a boost. hm. the bowling crowd was light yesterday, so we got through our games early enough for me to get home and watch the 11pm sportscenter. awesome. coupled with a nice conversation with alan and a rather vulgar (but welcome) e-mail from carol, my night ended pretty well. very pleased and content. oh, before i forget, i was watching _fear factor_ the other night... the WWF episode. they do some disgusting shit on that show... the 2nd stunt is usually the gross-out one, and this time, the wrestlers had to roll three dice, and whatever came up on top was the thing they had add to their "protein shake." they had this blender full of pig-brains, and the three ingredients were added in and blended up. jackie (durian, spleen, and veal brain) and matt hardy (spleen, spleen, animal fat) both finished their shakes, but test got a sickening combination: rooster testicles (which were larger than i thought they'd be), BILE, and cod liver oil. he took one sip and promptly said, "nothing is worth THAT." yuck. i mean, i bet that brain and spleen don't have much of a taste, but bile? that shit is bitter. i just had lunch with wilson and rahul, some old co-workers back at vivace. i was telling them about my problems getting up the morning, and they seemed kind of concerned. it is becoming a big problem. i thought that getting off haldol would somehow make me less lethargic, but nothing seems to have changed. but anyways, rahul made an interesting comment. he said, "you know, most people recognize their weakness and try to do something about it. but you're different. you simply accept them and do nothing." i laughed, but i think he's right... i'm not very motivated to correct what i perceive as my faults... i just feel resigned, and continue living with them. bad attitude, that's what i say. ok. i MUST try getting up earlier. i must. it's not just the job that's suffering, but i have to do it to feel like i have control in my life. i can't let my laziness rule me. we'll see tomorrow. one issue that pops up from time to time among my friends is whether it's ok to go out with a friend's ex. i have two immediate responses to it. first, i'd like to think that i can go out with anyone i like. but right after that thought, i'd think about how WEIRD it would be to know that whatever intimate stuff i do with the girl, my friend would have been there before me, like this freaky-ass shadow that never leaves. can you imagine you friend sitting down next to you asking, "so... has she done that special move in bed yet?" YIKES! or maybe the girl says, "you know, [friend's name] used to like it *this* way." EGADS. very very weird. that said, i have gone out with a friend's ex before. and in fact, we had talked about her previous sexual experiences with that friend. at the time, i didn't think it was weird at all. so who knows. maybe some people can get over that stuff. i dunno. i don't think it's an ethical issue. if the people are fine with it and don't really care, and if the friend is ok with it (ah, i have to watch _friends_ this week!), then i think there's nothing wrong with dating friends' ex's. last night, alan asked me what my vision of the ideal girl is. and my answer is something that i have known all along (you should know by now who it is)... i think i have a problem because my ideal girl is someone i *know*; i have memories of her face and her body and her voice and everything about her branded into my brain. and having such a concrete vision means that ultimately, everyone i meet, i compare to her. it's not fair, and it shouldn't be this way. i dunno. for any number of reasons, i put this girl on a pedastal so high it eclipses virtually everyone else. and i've got to fight this. because everybody is different, and it's unfair to compare people to each other; no one will ever "equal" another person. *blech* my conversation with alan also touched on another person, someone who i had known for two years at school, but wasn't really friends with; and it was only this past year that i got to know her better, and now i love her like a sister. she's happily married now in her perfect coupledom, but i admitted last night to alan that i thought that if things turned out differently, i thought we would have made a really good couple. (this is a hunch, but i think that there was window of opportunity back in 1996. *RAAR*) alan said, "it must suck to know that now." maybe. i don't think about it much, but i guess it does suck a little bit. but in any case, this person is my one shining example of platonia with a girl (i will clarify my hypocrisy later). and that surprises me because i didn't think that i can be friends with a girl and not have at least a shred of attraction for them (i.e. the classic _when harry met sally_ syndrome). i mean, i think that i have to be at least a little attracted to all my friends; why else would i choose to be friends with *them* and not some other person? by definition, for me to like them, they have to have something that "attracts" me to them. granted, it may not be full-blown physical lust, but still, there has to be some trait or quality that i like. and that "like" can just as easily extend to some deeper affection. some people cop out of the argument by saying "oh, i can't possibly have physical feelings for them because i love them like a sister/brother." (i realize i just did that earlier, so i'm admitting now that i do have developed physical attraction for this girl.) but i think that's wimpy because just because someone's related to you doesn't mean you can't be attracted to them. i.e. um, why do you think shit like INCEST happens? apparently for us humans, sometimes the boundaries of family isn't enough to hold people back. but this is just me. i know that other people live in more tightly confined constructs. speaking of that, i wonder how a kid like me who grew up in a rigid asian family environment has such radical thoughts (ok, maybe not crazy radical, but still enough to shock people like my parents). am i a stereotypical rebel? am i reacting against my conservative background? ok. indian food coma is wearing off. time to tackle my ethernet packet parser code. |