| 26 feb 2002 i noticed something weird this morning. i woke up around 6:50am, and i actually felt pretty good, not sickly from the possibility of having too little sleep. but then, i went back to sleep, and after my alarm went off and i kept snoozing, i just felt more and more tired. strange! it kind of makes me wonder if my sleeping past my required quota is a detriment to my energy level... and also, i think the alarm going off just kicks in the instinct of slapping down on the snooze button, getting a little pissed, feeling even more tired, and huffing and puffing back underneath my covers for a few more minutes of sleep. i don't know if any of this makes sense, but i'm desperately trying to force my body to wake up earlier. yes, if i had an ounce of conviction or willpower, then i should theoretically be able to get up whenever, but... that's just not the case during the weekdays. another load of stress lifted when i finished uploading the 78 pictures i took from the taiko reunion to ofoto. yup. dialup connections, 500KB per pictures... it all added up to a lot of time spent babysitting the iMac as it laboriously sent up the data to the server. but now it's done. yay! i keep forgetting to write about this. but anyways, _dawson's_ last week had this conversation where the professor guy (do people think he's actually HOT?) says something like "anticipation is the sweetest form of pleasure." i.e. when you anticipate something, it's a pure desire that can't be ruined by the letdown of reality, blah blah blah. dude. what a load of crap. if you only anticipate things and never get them, then shit! you're living in a fantasy daydream world then! what a lamer. ok. my mind's wandering. you know, i think i'm not a big fan of the anus. it looks a little suspicious, with all these radiating lines, and the knowledge that something unappetizing comes out of it just makes me cringe sometimes. yup. the most unwelcome sight in a good porn flick is when the people are in a position that allows the anus to rear its ugly single eye. *blech* however, while there's no shortage of women's anuses (i guess some guys fantasize about the anal aspect of something), it's not often that you see a guy's (maybe because a guy doesn't usually spread his legs in a glorious fashion)... but when that happens, RUN AWAY! maybe it's just me... i think i'm very conflicted about change. meaning, i think change is important for our personal evolution towards mature human beings, but sometimes it's really painful, like passing a kidney stone or something. so back at the end of high school, i was rather taken with this girl named grace. she was a few years younger than me, and we didn't do anything scandalous... just long phone calls and a few letters tossed back and forth. but i did tell her i loved her. but anyways, the summer before i left for college, grace expressed a desire for us to keep in touch, and what's more, she wanted our affection to remain untouched by the distance that was to come between us. but, then, i warned her... "you know i'm going to change once i go." yup. as much as i liked her, i knew that the transition from high school to college would be so dramatic that i would in all likelihood lose my feelings for her. kind of depressing, but it was the truth. i didn't want it to be true, but part of me just knew that there are certain situations that may not stand the test of something that invokes so much change. sometimes i think love is really deceptive. i mean, there have been quite a few times where i was totally nuts over someone, and for whatever reason, after it doesn't work out or the relationship ends or whatever, time passes, and i get to the point where i ask myself, "what the fuck was i thinking?" like, as hard as i try, i can't muster up a shred of the affection that i used to feel. and in some cases, i don't even think they look good to me anymore. it's really weird. was i hallucinating? it makes me not trust love sometimes. seriously, it blinds us. or conversely, it makes us see things that nobody else sees. kind of oxymoronic. but anyways, being in love is such a strange warped experience that i wonder if there is such a thing out there as an "objective" love, like a balance between a realistic, grounded viewpoint coupled with that typical love-goggle illusion. so anyways, i can see how love can freak people out if they're the skeptical type. or if they're unexperienced. it's kind of a scary process, kind of like a delirium that for the most part inflicts positive damage, yet it's still a delirium nonetheless. love is a drug. shit. i wish i had access at work to my freshman year journal. i would post some of the crazy shit i wrote back then; since k1 was my first real crazylove relationship, i went through this process of doubting what i was feeling, and it caused some really unnecessary anxiety and wonderment. back then, i wanted something "True" (with the capital T) and "Real." it was nuts, trying to guarantee things as whimsical as love. i shudder to think that if i had actually been a man about it, and not some greenhorn BOY, then k1 and i wouldn't have had as many problems as we did. there is some talk on other journals about how people feel for their ex's, i.e. do they still love them or care for them. i know i've written a lot (my own detriment, it seems) about some of mine, but i don't think i've ever declared how i presently feel about them. it'll probably take more thought that i'm willing to expend energy on at this moment, but i do know that if they ever had problems of any sort, and they asked me for help, i would help them, most likely without any hesitation. of course, if this happened for real, one of my first questions would be why they're asking me as opposed to their more relevant acquaintances, but.... but i don't really know what that means. helping other people isn't necessarily a sign of care. it may be simply a good samaritan thing. shit, i'd be willing to help total strangers, so hm. ok. i don't think i'm too enamored with this topic. we feel what we feel; no need to justify it. how's that for a cop-out? last night, i was thinking... am i one of the very few that gets down (insecure, anxious, depressed, etc.) on my journal? and the more important question is... is it a good idea to show this part of me? *ponder* i mean, i rather dislike facades... people who pretend to be happy and chipper all the time, trying to invent a new persona that is nothing more than a blatant lie. it's a lie! and i get resentful of that. i have to stop myself. i feel a rant coming on that probably won't make any sense. (pseudo-tangent) sometimes it's important to remind myself that the world isn't fair. it never was, and never will. look out for the ides of march! plans are shaping for "rager at leghorn: the redux." |