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| 25 feb 2002 some people tell me i'm narcoleptic. i just think i have this perpetual mono or something. chronic fatigue syndrome, anyone? anyways, i was fortunate to have dishi along at the taiko reunion. he likes taking pictures and movies with his camera. wheee! in the picture on my left, don't my legs look thicker than normal? hm. but anyways, time for weekend updates. the only thing is, i don't have much to update on. basically, i was all set for a ski trip with alan, jay, and peter, but seeing how fucked i was last week, i bailed at the last minute. since i've had five nervous breakdowns, i'm now able to read the signs that my body and brain are telling me, and i can tell if one is impending. and hot damn, friday, i was ripe for another one. as i sat in my cube and tried to focus, i felt like my body was about to explode right out of my skin, and i would feel sharp bouts of panic. so i knew that i was in a bad place, and that a weekend of tackling the fiercely steep slopes of kirkwood would not be good for me. so i bailed. i relaxed most of this week, and it was good for me. so i'm proud of myself. yeah, i'm sad that for the second straight week, i lost out on some bonding time with my buddies, but i'm happy because i knew myself well enough to know that i had to take a break. and the result was probably that i averted a serious potential mess. saturday, i didn't get to sleep in, though, because i had to meet my dad at the airport. i drove him all the way back to palo alto just to show him my iMac, so that was about 100 miles of driving. it's ok, though. we actually had a much better talk than the last time, when he came in december. this time, we just talked about life and stress and stuff like that. funny thing, he kept on telling me to drink water repeatedly. i feel sad for my dad. one of his fingers is acting up funny, like getting all stiff and stuff. he said that he's finally beginning to realize that he's getting old. and that made me really upset. i don't want my parents to get old. speaking of that, my mom called me today. she exclaimed, "you're more sentimental than *I* am!" and it's true. anybody who reads me by now probably know that i cling onto the past like no other... and it's at the point where it's detrimental to my life. but i still do it. i don't like change. and that itself needs to change. my dad was telling me to get over things, and he said that he's the type of person that looks forward to the future. instead of asking something like "how can i make this last?" his favorite question is "what's NEXT?" plus, he's fiercely independent. he's not saying that he regrets having a family, but he said that he could happily live life completely alone. and that's SO not like me... in fact, my version of hell is eternal solitude. so i really don't get why i am so different from him. i mean, we're so divergent on our beliefs that it freaks me out. i don't want to BE like him, but i definitely think i should adopt some of his attitudes; i think it would make me less neurotic. yup. i am super freaky neurotic. i reminded myself of that on saturday when i finished my cd ripping. yup. 700 cd's done... over 7000 songs reviewed, and i hand-selected just under 1500 songs, ripped freshly onto my hard drive for (in my opinion) one of the coolest diverse music jukeboxes out there. but anyways, once i finished that last cd, i literally felt a weight float off my chest, and i even felt that i was breathing easier. so that bugs me. am i that fragile that the chore of ripping cd's was stressing me out? what the hell is wrong with me? i mean, yeah, it was tedious and it took me two weeks of sitting in front of the computer at night, but STRESSFUL? how was that stressful? sheesh. pretty weak, i must say. i. am. weak. sauce. after finished with my cd's, i picked about 10% of my 1500 songs and made a list of songs i called "interesting shit." and then, i shuffled them up, pushed "play" and just lay on the futon, listening. for about an hour and a half. dude. when was the last time you just lay down, listening to your favorite tunes? it felt really good. also, iTunes has this "visuals" feature where it sets this psychedelic 2001: space odyssey-like display to the music that's playing. i swear. i could watch it for hours. i think i must be slightly autistic. seems like a decent amount of drama went down for my friends this weekend. one of the results of the drama may be that i have one more single guy friend to play with. not that i am happy for his alleged break-up (not at all), but part of me is kind of excited to have a new single buddy. i can't really explain why i'm excited; it's not like i envision us going to bars together and picking up women, but for whatever reason, it makes me feel a little less alone. ok. i think i have a realization that may sound controversial. i was pretty apprehensive about talking about it on my journal, but i think i'll touch on it for a bit. [paragraph deleted] nevermind. i wrote out a short paragraph, and it looked like i was gonna get HATE mail, so *RAAR* censored by myself! let me see if i can try again... the gist is that i am turned off to a certain kind of women, purely based on their race. and it bothers me that i seem to be making a generalization based on a few isolated personal experiences, but still, i'm having a hard time stopping my brain from acting the way it does. i mean, stereotyping is really bad, and i'm trying to fight it... but still... for now, it just *is*. ARRGH. you know, i thought i was above this kind of thinking. but i guess it just shows you how deep the trauma is. *shrug* anyways, that's about it. for whatever reason, my hits are down about 20% since last week. maybe my writing sucks now. maybe people realize i'm a whiny bitch who worries about lame shit. well i am. um. anything else? hm. oh. over the weekend, i stopped taking haldol. i'm going to try living without it for a few weeks. i want to see if my brain becomes clearer without the drug. i'm kind of scared, because there's a possibility my tics will get worse and worse, but we'll just see. so far, it's been 3 days without, and i haven't blown up yet. *fingers crossed* i know my mom is kind of happy about it. i dunno. it's oddly depressing to think that i might be on medication for the rest of my life... like i *need* a drug to make me semi-normal. there's nothing quite like popping a pill every single fucking night to remind you that you are defective. *sighs* anyways, i feel better this week. last week was plain weird. it's kind of scary to be so sensitive to stress, because i can never fully highlight everything that puts pressure on my life, until it just overwhelms me and i get all fucked up. ok. i'm rambling. time to smoke. and then, coding! 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