| 21 feb 2002 hm. you know, as much as i have a reputation for letting it all hang out, i often wonder if it's a good thing. well, not often... but sometimes, definitely. i was talking to scarf girl a few months ago about the virtues of weakness, i.e. talking about moments of feeling down and insecure and what not. i said that basically it's a sign of strength to allow the world know that you're weak sometimes, and i thought people should do it more often. well now, i don't really know about that. i mean, i'm am in a WEIRD cloud. i mean a fucked up cloud. this morning, after i got to work, i just sat at my cube and buried my head in my hands repeatedly. i couldn't think... it was like my brain was ill or something. and even worse, i really don't know what is bugging me so much. i just feel like hibernating for a long time. god damn. what the fuck? one of my readers wrote me today saying that she is amused by the angst i exhibit. ANGST? that made me feel even weirder... i mean, i won't deny that i was a fireball of angst in my earlier days, especially freshman year in college... days of wearing all black just because it reflect my mood, wallowing to nine inch nails and morrissey. but damn, i thought i was over that. i thought that i had grown up and gotten a grip. and now that people are telling me i'm the same basketcase i used to be... that really bugs the shit out of me. because that means i haven't evolved yet. that i haven't grown up. 10 years later, and i'm still the same person? *pukes* but anyways, back to the opening topic, i wonder if it's good to air out my issues and apparent baggage online. i wonder how many eyebrows i raise. i mean, i really would like ot believe that i'm a simple person... i like the so-called elegant life. it's not the first time that someone has told me i have issues, but i still refuse to believe it. i think that maybe it seems like i have issues because things aren't quite right yet, but once they are right, i still hang the hope on life becoming much simpler. cleaner. i don't want to be fucked up. i don't. i really wanted to play basketball today. you know, get some stress relief and just go out and play hard. but i have a lot of coding to do, and if i had played, i'd still be on the courts as i type this. add in the time to get lunch, eat it, and write this entry, and half of the afternoon is shot. i didn't even feel like eating today. but after only having a cup of noodles for lunch yesterday at 3pm, i decided that god damn, i need to put some food in my system. so i dragged my ass out to mcdonald's and got some food. yay for me. i'm having mixed opinions about this upcoming weekend. the bad news: we're going to tahoe. yuck. i've decided that i hate skiing because i'm no good at it, and yes i let the fear rule me. but i can't help it. but on the upside, i'm going with my buddies. i have a feeling that i need some contact with them, and badly. so it'll be a toss-up for now as to whether i'll enjoy this weekend. but anyways, something happened last weekend that just got under my skin and killed my mood. i really don't know what it was. i'm trying to analyze what happened on the taiko reunion that would make me upset, but i can't really figure anything out. maybe i realize that something that was dear to me is now kind of foreign and distant? that i've lost a circle that i used to love dearly? that's an idea... the pain of loss. but anyways, i had to admit that i haven't been myself this week. well, it *is* myself. just a latent part of me that i thought i had buried a long time ago. that self-hatred, that confused boy mentality, that depression. man. i didn't know i still had it in me. but anyways, i got a few responses yesterday from some online people, so i thank them. mike e-mailed me this nice dissertation about women and stuff, and carol even went as far as to call me up last night to see if i was ok. thanks, people. interesting thing, though... yesterday i was IM'ing a friend, and he told me that if he were in my shoes, he'd have some ego issues. like, he'd have an inflated ego. i was dumbfounded, and was like, "WHAT?" i didn't understand why i would ever be someone with an ego. my humility, even my insecurity, is such a fundamental part of me. but the gist of what he said is that given my attributes, i should have a lot more self-confidence than i current have. gosh. you know, i don't think i know what that feels like. and then, i said that one of the things that has always kept me down was my TS. i mean, how can i possibly feel good about myself when i am so blatantly DEFECTIVE? TS, like most other debilitating conditions, is such a humbling thing to have. for the longest time, i never wanted to go out because i didn't want people to stare with horror and shock. i felt like some fucked up hunchback who could only confine himself to a little room. i mean, i'm better about it now, i do get out, but there is never a time (unless i'm drunk or something) when i don't keep my TS on the back of my mind. it's like i'm permanently wearing this sign on my head that says "FREAK." so yeah. i may have to work on my self-image, but there is a huge hurdle to cross, and my current assessment is that it's impossible to get over. fuck TS. *grumbles* so back to this shedding my insecurities, i'd say that i would love to reinvent myself. but the key to reinvention is being able to change every single aspect of myself. and this TS thing is something that will never go away, so that kills the process. impossible. ah, before i start wallowing in self-pity, let me move on. holy shit. i'm addicted to short track speedskating. controversy aside from last night's 1500 men's finals, but that apolo ohno is fucking amazing. i mean, he has that air of nonchalance coupled with silent brilliance... just hanging back last or second to last until the final three laps, and then just blowing by three people in one pass. wow. the reason why i like this more than long track is that there seem to be many more nuances... like one little move or mistake will mean much more. and they just look so COOL! so far, though, with all these skin-tight outfits, i haven't seen many cameltoes, male or female. for the men, maybe it's because it's cold, and there's incredible shrinkage? i don't get it. i mean, i'm not looking that hard, but at least i'd expect to see at least ONE cameltoe, right? *sigh* why do i have to be in such a rotten mood. times like these, i wish i could attribute it to PMS or something. not that i would ever want to have a monthly-recurring bout of depression and moodiness (i'm really sorry women have to go through this), but at least i would have the comfort in knowing that there's a reason. but right now, i'm just clueless. i hate being a slave to my mood, especially when i don't know what is causing this. fuck fuck fuck fuck. fuck! life is so dumb sometimes. |