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| 20 feb 2002 "you arouse me. let's get sordid." so that's the only picture of myself over the taiko reunion. i just feel weird asking people to take pictures of me with my own camera because it makes me feel vain. *shrug* so. i ripped 50 more cd's last night. it bothers me. because there are so many albums where i don't even remember the songs on there; i have to listen to little snippets to see if they're worth putting on my iMac. and there are quite a few cd's where i just make an unhappy frowny face and put it in my stack of "cd's i need to listen to." yup. i have cd's that i have bought but have never even heard. that pisses me off. it's a clear sign that i have overextended myself. you see, i am a firm believer that we humans shouldn't buy stuff we don't need (yes, i am a hypocrite)... i like the idea of having just enough shit to keep us occupied and happy, and everything else is an unnecessary luxury. it's an extension of my belief that we're taking too much from earth, in terms of natural resources: raw materials and energy. yeah, it's pretty anti-consumer. but anyways, the fact that i own cd's that i wouldn't miss if i didn't have them... it's a clear sign to me that i bought way too many for my own good... i mean, moving 700 cd's is a pain in the ass, and what good is it to have stuff that i don't even listen to? sheesh. anyways, this train of thought was a lot stronger on friday night, and rehashing it right now doesn't show much conviction, so i'll stop here. while i was ripping cd's on friday night and waiting for kara to come home, i glanced at my freshman year journal, the entry a week before school ended. by then, k1 and i had been together for four months, and we were well on our way in terms of sexual exploration. i mean, i was still a virgin at the time, but that didn't mean that we didn't get naked often. and that quote above is something she wrote me in an e-mail. i mean, as cool as her six words were, what bothered me is that i didn't remember it until i reread my journal. and that pissed me off, too. i have so many memories which are buried so deep under other stuff that it scares me that i don't remember everything. i mean, i *want* to remember everything (which is why i keep a journal), because the value of life lies within my memories and experiences. and like the burden of my cd collection, my own memories seem like a similar problem... so much stuff, so hard to keep track of. what to do? i mean, on one hand, maybe i want to live life in a simpler way. maybe i want to create less memories so i'll be able to remember them more easily in the future. but then, wouldn't life become more boring? i have always been wanting to create experiences as fast as possible. i don't think i'm making much sense, even to myself. *sigh* i just feel like my life has grown unwieldy and disorganized, and i don't know how to go about cleaning it up. oh. i got a few e-mails from my buddies regarding yesterday's bumming attitude in my journal entry. *smile* thanks, dudes. it's nice to know that people out there are concerned. but yeah, i was kind of upset yesterday. like i told them, i've been steading craving more and more the kind of interaction that only a significant other can provide. i mean, i wholeheartedly love hanging out with my friends, but there's a deeper side of me that i feel i haven't exercised in a long long time. i think it would be amusing if i am steadily on the path towards self-destruction. because that means all of y'all would get to see the slow descent of someone spiralling into madness. that would be cool! of course, i would be hating it myself, but i think it would be amusing to track someone's fall. it's a morbid thought, though. i'd just like to be happy. and i'm thinking about it too hard. letting go of worries is something that i don't think i'm capable of doing. ugh. i was e-mailing alex and jay yesterday about my current dilemma concerning high-maintenance women. i mean, my position was that a lot of times, the most attractive girls turn out to be the most high maintenance. and there's this love/hate thing i have about that. i mean, who doesn't want a HOT girl? over the weekend, i would say things that would make kara mention, "why are you so obsessed with looks?" i don't know... i just am. but on the flip side, after only really going out with high-maintenance women, i have grown to really HATE it. i mean, i truly detest it. so there's the quandary. i seem to want what i hate. i mean, with k1, i resented the fact that she was so much "better" than me... the fact that she was a model, homecoming court persona, speech & debate queen, culture and fashion maven... i mean, one time, a guy who knew of her in high school found out that i was going out with her, and he blurted out, "but... she's a GODDESS." i couldn't deal with that. and with k2, i gave me grief over being a cheerleader. i even told her, "if we were in high school. you would have never talked to me. and i would have hated you." yup. i hate what i want. but then, alex said something interesting, an idea that didn't occur to me. "i don't know dards, you've always been a mystery to me. ... i wonder if you know what you want out of a woman. i've only seen you with [k1] and [k2] so it's hard for me to play psychologist and start making judgments. i always thought that you thought of [k1] as the trophy girlfriend and [k2] as the (social) science test, but you never thought that either one or anyone like them would be the one to make you truly happy (no disrespect to [k1] or [k2])." interesting. first off, though, the more time passes, i realize that both of them were like trophy girlfriends.... attractive, smart, girls who saw no shortage of men hitting on them. people (even strangers) have told me before that i totally "scored" when i "landed" them, but i never really felt "manly" or proud or anything. especially with k1. in fact, her stature did just the opposite... it made me feel really insecure, like our relationship was some sort of karmic fluke that would someday explode because the universe would realize it had made a mistake by pairing me up with someone like her. my insecurities fared much better with k2, but still, i never thought of her as a trophy. but anyways, back to alex's point, i never really thought about the possibility that i'd wind up with someone completely different from my previous girlfriends. i mean, history is supposed to establish a pattern or a preference, right? and if that is true, then the conclusion is that i am most attracted to "lofty" girls. it never occured to me that maybe, as alex said, that i might evolve and realize that what i'm looking for completely clashes with the past evidence. *ponder* now there's a doozy. i'm confused. |