| 19 feb 2002 "oh elise it doesn't matter what you do i know i'll never really get inside of you to make your eyes catch fire the way you should the way the blue could pull me in if they only would if they only would" god damn the cure can write beautiful songs sometimes. my friend amy sent me this mass e-mail where you list people's names and songs off the top of your head, and it tells you the significance and stuff. "a letter to elise" was the first song off the top of my head, and it said that it was linked to the first girl that i wrote down, and damn, if that's true, then it's just fucking tragic. yes, i am a sucker for these kinds of pseudo-psychic things. i like reading too much into things that are purely coincidental. but hey... i like having a flair of drama, so did that really surprise you? *sigh* i'm tired. it was a hectic weekend, where every day i had to get up earlier and earlier to the point where yesterday i woke up at 8:30 and didn't function properly for the rest of the day. yup. it was the big stanford taiko 10-year reunion. and that's basically what i was doing for the entire long weekend. it started with picking up kara (who was staying at my place) at stanford early friday evening, and it finally ended after breakfast yesterday. what did we do? well, just to make it short... we met on saturday at arrillaga alumni center, ate lunch there, chatted, went bowling (i got a 185!!!), ate at gombei, hung out at steve and linda's, met the current group on sunday morning, watched them perform for us, hung out there, went to a late lunch on castro, went to sj for the day of remembrance, ate dinner at krung thai, went to my place for some dance dance revolution and some sex talk (!), and finally had breakfast on campus on monday. phew. blur. whiz. and now silence. i mean, saturday i was kind of messed up. i didn't tell anyone, but my tics were starting to control me. and when that happens, my body shuts down, and the only thing i want to do is sleep. but i had to keep my composure and do such mundane things as eat and drive, so i was just really quiet and subdued. luckily, the other days weren't as bad, and it turns out i finally had a decent time talking to people. luckily for me, i started taiko early enough in its history and kept in touch enough afterwards to the point where i knew all of the 20+ people that came to the reunion. so i didn't feel like i didn't know anyone, and i could talk to anyone that i happened to be standing next to. but the thing is, even though i've been at my silliest when i was with the group, i still thought of myself as one of the lone wolves of the group... so many times, when all of us were walking somewhere, i would be off by myself, among a crowd, yes, but still... socially by myself, not talking to anyone. it kind of makes me sad that i would do this among such a cool crowd, but that's just the way it unfolded. but it still was fabulous to see everybody, don't get me wrong. but still, i was kind of upset over the weekend. i mean, i hate saying this, but i'm not that close to quite a few of the taiko peeps. there are only a handful that i truly care about, and while it was nice to see everyone, i kind of wanted some time off to hang out with my other group of friends. and it TOTALLY didn't help that jay, alan, and peter were having a blast every night without me. *RAAR* i mean, friday saturday and sunday nights, the three of them were having fun with some of alan's high school friends, playing mah-johngg, having dim sum at a place *I* was recommending this whole time, cruising around sausalito... and i kind of got bitter that i wasn't there. ugh. i probably sound like a selfish bitch. i had to get up an hour early over the weekend because that's how long it took kara to get ready, and she didn't want to just come into my bedroom to use my bathroom because i told her i slept naked. so finally, on sunday night, with a pending breakfast at 9:00, i balked at getting up at 8:00 and told her that i'd wear boxers to sleep. god damn, it was uncomfortable. lots of chafing and stuff when i would move around. i'm telling you, naked sleep is the way to go. oh, and i took about 80 pictures. i had a really cool one to post up, but my iMac is really flaky (which really PISSES me off) when i try to upload stuff. god fucking damn. but anyways, i realized that i really suck at taking pictures. i'm really used to seeing beautiful snaps after visiting eric's and adam's sites so often, but holy hell, most of my pics turn out really uninteresting. it guess it'll take practice, but i'm just kind of frustrated. so. there was a rather interesting heated conversation saturday night when i hosted several taiko members at my place. basically, the girls grilled the guys about certain things that they didn't get about us males. and after a while, the guys did the same to girls. basically, the whole conversation showed me that there are (obviously) some fundamental differences between men and women. no wonder we have a gender war. and also, it showed me that most of the girls typical of stanford taiko are rather low maintenance. i had some semi-bitter comments to make about high mainetenance women, but when posed to the girls who were there, they simply said, "well, i'm not like that." damn. they took my thunder away. eventually, i made a comment that i'd rather not say here because it'll piss some people off. i was fucking tired yesterday. last night, kara and i were vegging in front of the tv, and i actually fell asleep sitting up. (keep in mind, i rarely do that; i can't even fall asleep on overnight flights on the plane.) i woke myself up when i snored, and looked over to see kara staring at me all amused. but anyways, so the point is that i was tired. but after spending all that time with taiko people, i really wanted to hang out with some of the guys, so when jay came back and asked me if i wanted to drive with him to REI (not very exciting, mind you, because i'm not an outdoors person), i immediately said yes. as familiar as the taiko peeps are, i just craved something even closer to me. it's a weird statement, because six months ago, the taiko spirit was running full-ablaze in my blood. i guess it showed me how much i've grown away from the whole scene, and how much i've put it in my past. funny how things change. i am beginning to realize more and more how much i've changed. i used to be known for begin really silly and animated, but now i'm starting to think that i'm no longer anywhere close to that person i once was. and that SCARES the fucking shit out of me. because i am now without references. meaning that i can't use my past to determine what kind of person i am now. and frankly, i don't know who i am right now. i mean, i have an idea, but that idea is pretty ugly and depressing, and it repulses me so much that i can't let myself believe it's true. so there it is. i think i currently hate myself. |