| 13 feb 2002 "everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake and everybody's empty and everything is so messed up pre-occupied without you i cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you i stumble then i crawl" i had a night of shitty sleep. for the first time in a while, i had a bout of insomnia. at first, i was all excited about the prospect of having my iMac housewarming party, but the thought (and worry) that followed what i was going to do for music. i mean, i wanted to transfer all of my favorite music from my CD collection onto my iMac, but fuck, that's going to involve loading and ripping SIX HUNDRED cd's worth of stuff! so that horrible chore kept on unfurling in my mind, making me toss and turn. and what's even worse, all i dreamt about last night was running iTunes and converting all my music to mp3's. *gack* you know, if i were to do that, then i could conceivably archive all my music onto a couple of dvd-r's. and that really pisses me off, that years of work and money and effort into cultivating my music collection could seem to trivial... yes, it's a wonder of technology that i can compress and archive all my music onto a couple of flimsy discs, yet somehow it seems to cheapen everything... that someone could have everything i've worked for, for a few bucks worth of dvd's. egads! so add another notch for things that i'm stressing about... am i not LAME? i wish i were more like jay. he seems to float through life effortlessly, not worrying about much at all and just enjoying his existence on this planet. me, i'm always fretting about shit that i either have no control over or crazy stuff that aren't really problems, except that i *make* them problems for myself. what is wrong with me? why am i so preoccupied with trivial stuff? i think i'm a fucking freak of nature, like a young asian woody-allen type, stumbling and whining over life as if it's one ordeal after another, as opposed to a journey worth savoring. neurotic am i. of course, last night, i was worrying over other stuff as well. yes, i'm still hung over the girl. anyways, i got a little smile on my face today when i saw the latest entry in my guestbook. unless i'm mistaken, the girl liked my appearances, and she called me "a snack!" heh. i've never been called a snack before, and i conjures up images of me lying there, while the girl goes to work, playfully munching and licking and sucking and oh i'll stop before i bust a chub right here in the office. funny thing. mallory wrote me last night saying she thought i was korean. apparently she was confused that i was trying to organize a dim sum thing on sunday, where i said "the chinese are my people." and she was like, "why? aren't you KOREAN?" haha. so it seems that my choice of girlfriends and my smoking habit made her make the snap impression that i was of the korean flavor. but like jay, i've actually dated for the asian cycle: korean, japanese, and chinese. and you can even throw in hapas as well. scarf girl and i were calculating my "dating percentage" yesterday, and so the figure is that i've been with somebody 5.5 out of the 9 years (that i've been dating), or roughly 60%. not bad. although i know people who are around 90%, and ideally i'd like to be somewhere in the middle... i don't quite like this period of my life, where i think i'm ready for a relationship yet can't find one worth having. i dunno. scarf girl seemed to want to hammer into me the idea that being single is a good thing. well, i think i don't really have that much of a problem with it; our state of being is usually our own preference, and as long as we can ease from one state to another rather freely, it's fine with me. but i have to say that the bulk of my maturation occurs when i'm with someone... that's when i learn the most about myself and about others (i.e. women) and how to deal with human dynamics and stuff like that. anyways, i forget the point i'm trying to make. oh, my point: despite the value of being a good single person, i firmly prefer being in a relationship. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. yes, some people would say that i "can't be alone," but then again, what's wrong with that if i think that we're meant to live in pairs? enjelani wrote about the horrible addiction that the internet is. fuck, i can attest to that. what i think is the worst about e-mail/web surfing/IM/journal writing is that it's easy for me. it doesn't take much effort, as most of it just comprises of some simple mouse maneuvering and clicking and some quick and easy typing. and given that activity, vs. actually having to *use* my brain and think about work... my body and mind will invariably gravitate toward the former... it's all about the least resistance to passing time. and i have GOT to change that! mouse potato. in-fucking-deedy. god help me. i am sorely upset over my bowling game last night. i finally found a ball that felt good; for the last few weeks i've been using this infamous pink ball that way too wide for my hands, and i have yet to break 150. so last night, i had that chance to do it. i had a 138 going into the last frame, and 3 pins left to get a spare. after the roll, it looked good, it look straight, but goddamn it, i missed one pin. fuck me. i ended up with a 147. so fucking close. yet so far. i hope mike moves to mountain view. that means i'll get to see him more, i hope. interesting amusing article from jay: comparing women's olympic figure skating to WWF wrestling... and the girl who wrote it seems to know what she's talking about when discussing the WWF! *sigh* i want to write more today, but i'm out of steam. so tired. i used to say that i have a perpetual case of mono. i wonder if that's possible. maybe i should look into chronic fatigue syndrome. hm. i've thought about it some more, and i can't come up with any juicy stuff to write about today. except that sometimes i wake up in the morning, and i feel like humping something really really badly. maybe i should buy myself an inflatable sheep or something (right, jack?). have you seen these? they're spooky-looking... i could never have sex with something like this... it's be like banging a corpse or something. *shiver* send me some love! after last week's flurry of e-mails, i'm not getting much action lately. thanks to gg for the _my best friend's wedding_ analogy. "-i'm pond scum. well, lower actually. i'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum. -lower. the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. on the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. it's pretty flattering. -except it makes me fungus" |