| 12 feb 2002 damn. i wish i could take that IQ test over again. eric posted up his results, and he did pretty well, much better than me. eric's a smart mofo. the only thing is, though, i only spent 17 minutes on the test (average is 26 min, eric spent 44 min). and (i'm whining here) i was hurrying through the test because dinner had come at the office, so i skipped questions that took more thought. arrgh. you see, i said yesterday that i'm not very competitive. the only real exception is when it comes to intelligence/smartness. most of my life, i've been defined by what my brain is capable of doing (i don't deny that i'm a fucking dork). and while i don't care if i am mediocre at basketball, tennis, skiing, bowling, or even piano, i've always had some of my pride attached to my mental capacity. i liked setting curves at all my exams, and any time i found myself struggling with an academic subject (except for organic chemistry and thermodynamics, where i never went to class anyway), it would really frustrate me. because damnit, i can always figure it out! heh. but anyways, i should have taken that IQ test seriously. the older you get, the less opportunities you have to measure your wits against other people. maybe you say it's not very important, and that our ability to match experience and maturity is more important. i guess that's true in a large part, but still... i have to admit that i like knowing that i'm smart, even though i think it's less and less relevant in life as i get older. i am ticcing HARD these days. it's bugging me. or rather, *something* is bugging me. living with tourette's is all about identifying sources of stress and trying to get past them... but a lot of times, things that i don't consciously notice stress me out, so the only thing i realize is that my body is going crazy. and that's how it has been lately. *RAAR* what the fuck? what really sucks about tourette's is that i know that it can disappear in certain situations. but i can't decide when or where it goes away. for me, the three S's apply: sleep, sex, and smoking. my tics go away pretty much completely if i'm doing one of those three things. i can even add another one, showers, to that mix. so it's apparent to me that when my mind is constructively occupied (not stressfully occupied), my tics go away. when i'm relaxed, the same thing happens. but the problem is that in life, i can't really get anything done if i don't at least have some pressure (i.e. stress) in my system... when i'm working, when i'm playing sports, when i'm thinking about a certain problem, etc... being relaxed all the time would relieve my tics on one hand, but i'd never be able to accomplish anything on the other hand. so basically, i'm fucked if i want to be a productive human being. but man, i crave relief from my tics. yesterday, i got a haircut, which usually relieves my tension because having scruffy hair stresses me out (yes, i'm weird). and then, i drove to mountain view where i used to get massages/accupuncture. i wanted to treat myself to a massage, in part because my body was sore from the weekend sports, and in part because it just feels damn good. but as i walked by and peeked in, the woman who used to give me my massages wasn't there; in fact, all the personel were different, so i balked and went home. what is wrong with me? my guess is that there's a delay from when the onset of stress comes to when it's manifested itself as heightened tic activity. so looking back maybe a week or a few days earlier, i have a few ideas. first, maybe the girl trouble is part of the cause. i bet it's part of the problem. and i'm IM'ing stef right now, and she brought up the fact that jay moving out is another issue. i definitely stress about change in my living situation more than the normal person. fuck it. i just want to go home and sleep. ok. enough about TS. no use bitching about it and not coming up with a solution. my iMac was acting funny last night. i had quit out of all of my internet applications, but the computer kept wanting to dial out. i have no clue why. help, anyone? i eventually had to put the computer in sleep mode. i got a call last night from a girl i haven't talked to in ages. after i picked up, she was like, "hello! remember me?" and i was just frozen. i sort of recognized the voice, but then again, i couldn't place a name for a while. i hate being put in situations like this... because two bad things can happen... one, you might guess the wrong person, which means that you'll piss them off. two, if you play it safe and say you don't know, you'll still piss them off! anyways, i finally realized it was kara. turns out she's coming to the taiko 10th year reunion, and she needed a place to crash. fuck. that means i have to clean my room up. especially my bathroom, which is so disgusting that if i told you what was going on in there, you guys would probably never want to meet me in real life. but i guess her staying here will get my ass moving on some badly needed sanitary stuff. what causes nocturnal tumescence? like, this morning, i woke up, and i had the biggest boner. i wanted to go pee, but i can't really piss when i'm hard (i mean, it's possible, but i have to lean really far forward to aim into the bowl), so i just sat there on the edge of my bed, waiting for my body to simmer down. it must have been quite a comical sight. on the same subject of tumescence, there are few things more satisfying than waking up next to someone that you love and finding out that they're in a certain "excited" state. hot damn! like when it's some ungodly hour like 3am, and both of you wake up all horny, and your bodies mount each other for a half-awake quickie rompfest, and then you go back to a peaceful slumber. that said, given the five-minute retrograde amnesia, there's a chance that both of you will forget about it, and the only evidence is the stains on the sheets the next morning. hm. the mystery of the secret fuck! thank god we're not asexual creatures. nor are we hermaphrodites. |