| 8 feb 2002 so i got these crisscut fries at carl's junior. they're GOOD. but after i got to the office (i was munching on them on the drive back), they got kind of cold, and thus hella nasty. so i threw them away and went back surfing the web as usual. but then, i started craving them again, so i fished them out of my trash can and ate some more. am i not the grossest? anyways, i got disgusted at myself and hurled the remaining fries back into the bin. yuck. so my calendar page surpassed 20,000 hits yesterday! *sigh* i'm flattered. i can't deny that i've always wanted to be famous; not that 20K hits means i'm famous, but at least i can say that i have a following. after writing this entry, i'm going to bring back my 2001 archives. yeah. earlier, because of k2's protests at feeling vulnerable to google searches and stuff, i made them an "ask me and i'll give it to you" kind of deal, but only two people asked me, and i feel really caged and confined at not letting people see what i wrote about last year. so fuck k2. she said her kids might find dirt about her one day. well, how the hell are her kids going to know that the "k" that i talk about is her? *grumbles* and besides, i never use last names, so nobody can ascertain for sure that it's *that* "k" and not some random person with the same name. so anyways, the archives are gonna be back. i was telling mike yesterday about my little drama, and i was lamenting over the pickle that i've gotten my heart into, and he said it wasn't so bad. he said something to the gist of "drama makes you feel alive." and i certainly agree. if there is a time when i feel dead and apathetic, it's times like these when my psyche is all fucked up that i know that i can still get down and dirty in life... that my heart still cares and it still beats; it's a comforting (albeit gut-wrenching) affirmation of my passion. i used to tell k2 that i liked smoking that it was proof that a person is alive... because he can see in plain sight the cloud of breath that he breathes. i thought i was waxing poetic at the time, but now that i think smoking is a gross habit to have, i don't go around talking like that any more. but it was cool at the time. i have to say that i'm not a big fan of IM vs. e-mail. as much as i IM people, i always feel that the format doesn't allow for well-thought-out ideas as much as e-mail provides. yeah, IM embodies more of a real-time conversation, but still... it just doesn't seem to be able to have the depth that e-mail can have. i noticed this when i was writing an e-mail to gg and then looked up and realized that she was on AIM; i could have just told her that way, but i chose to continue writing my e-mail. mallory was kind of incredulous yesterday when she asked me, "how many people DO you meet over e-mail?" she said that she wasn't particularly good or adept at e-mail, so i can see why she thinks it's kind of a weird/neat concept. i dunno. i mean, i'm comfortable talking to my existing friends face to face, on the phone, on IM, in any medium, but i have to admit that i'm really really comfortable sitting behind a keyboard, typing away at my leisure from my yahoo mail account. and e-mail has been a great medium for tackling some really difficult issues i've had with other people. so yeah, enjelani told me last night that she felt a little bit of pressure while talking to me. and when people say that to me, i always laugh, because i never think that i'm intimidating in any way. kristie used to tell me (before we got together) that she was afraid of me, and that just broke my heart because i think that i'm rather approachable in any situation. i don't think i ever act bitchy or aloof, and if i look that way, it's probably because i myself am insecure and am wallflowering. many people use the bitch look as a security blanket; i'm no exception. i agree with her, though, that in my mind, i classify the people i meet as "better" or "worse" than me. most often, though, i just think of them as "equals," because it usually takes an extraordinary trait in the other person for me to label them otherwise. and i don't think about these qualifications that much, except for the fact that i *do* do this subconsciously. maybe it's not a good thing, but at least it hasn't hurt me yet. i mean, i sometimes acknowledge publicly that other people are better than me, but i'm wouldn't be so stupid as to single out verbally those i think are inferior. but it bothers me that i do this, if i really think about it. i mean, aren't comparisons like these tantamount to the basis of evils such as racism and prejudice? arrrgh. but then again, as bad as it seems, i think self-comparison is inherent in human nature. how many times have YOU seen someone, scanned them from head to toe, and made a snap judgment about how good or bad you think they are? but anyways, before someone sends me hate mail about how judgmental i am, i had better change the subject. emotionally, i feel much better today. yesterday was kind of nuts. lots of smoking, lots of sitting at my desk hunched over with my head buried in my hands, lots of sighing with my brain racing around and around in circles. but physically, i'm really tired. i don't know if i'm secretly sick or something (my throat kind of hurts), and i spend my nights battling some unknown malaise, because i wake up feeling like i could sleep another 12 hours. i don't have any real plans for this weekend. shit. it's been a long time since i've been in this situation. PLUS, there's no football to watch! (i don't consider the pro bowl a football game.) am i an evil person if i say that when it comes to women, i use looks to screen them? i remember telling this to amabelle last year, and she was kind of skeptical about doing that. i felt kind of guilty, but i can't deny that i like photogenic people. but i'll just defend myself slightly and say that "photogenic" to me doesn't mean that they have to look like tyson beckford. *ponder* hm. odd how when i had to come up a name for a beautiful person, i came up with a guy's name. what DOES that mean? ok. i had best get off. i think i'm gonna offend somebody today. leave me alone! DON'T TOUCH MY GONADS! oh, one final note. i loved the way _friends_ ended yesterday. so much tension! granted, it's not a full-blown love triangle (ross/rachel/joey), but still... joey did a great job at acting out his conflict... eh? *brain is twtching* A-HA! now i get it! i identified with joey yesterday because he was going through the same thing i was going through! i mean, both of us were lusting after somebody "off limits" right? *grin* now i get it. i mean, i was really moved. i thought it was poignant. no fucking wonder. (it's just too bad that _friends_ won't be continuing for a few weeks because of the winter olympics, right?) anyways, there was a eureka moment if there ever was one... have a nice weekend, folks. |