| 6 feb 2002 i'm bothered. kind of sad. well, i guess it's mainly a selfish sadness. so last night, while i was watching _buffy_, jay plopped down next to me. he said something really brief. like one or two words. i forget what it was, but i immediately knew that he was going to tell me that he was planning on moving out. it's something that's been hanging around in the back of my mind for a while now, but i just never felt like bringing it up, like talking about it would accelerate the feeling of doom and disappointment that i was hoping to avoid. but anyways, if all goes according to as planned, jay will move out at the end of may, when our year lease is due. i want to keep the place, so that means i have to find a new roommate. ARRGH. anyone need a place to live in palo alto? but don't get me wrong. i'm really happy for jay. in fact, i'm kind of envious of his life because he seems to have everything fall into place beautifully. his life seems rather neat and complete right now. so i'm glad he's in a good place. but me, being the selfish bastard that i am, i had my own expectations (see? expectations can fuck you up) of having a stable roommate for at least a few more years. but anyways, i really shouldn't bitch about this too much. it's just unconstructive. so anyways, after i left on the 20-minute drive to the bowling alley, i called up alan and just vented. i wasn't pissed, really. i was just kind of stunned at the reality of my fears. deep down, maybe i was hoping that alan would save me and say he'd move in with me. it's not so much that i'm afraid of being alone. this was the case a year ago, but i think that i'd probably be fine with living by myself right now. it's more of the fact that i don't want to destabilize my life. i just moved in here last june, and then i got laid off and had to find a new job, so two of the most basic aspects of my life have been kind of freshly "restarted." and i just don't want to deal with another big change so soon, you know? BALLS. but anyways... i'll get over it. i always do, right? alan calls AIM "satan's tool." i guess he's still got sort of a newbie stance on the app, where every IM that he gets takes 100% of his attention. i was like that when i first started, but now i've gotten pretty good at multitasking when chat windows are open. but anyways, we were talking over AIM yesterday about dresses with little tie stringies and stuff. and i was saying how they were sexy. and alan made a good point... maybe we think they're sexy because we fantasize about untying them. hm... makes sense. any act of deliberate disrobement must is titillating, right? there's that wait where you anticipate the garment coming off, and slowly, as it slips off, you see more and more skin, until you finally see the glory of the nipple of the pubes or whatever it is that you're waiting for. i was looking back at all my e-mails in my "friends" folder yesterday. in my yahoo account, there are about 600 e-mails. and i noticed some phases of my life... i don't remember when i first got my yahoo account... ok. the first e-mail i got was june of 1999. but i didn't really start using it until 2000. so the first phase was my reemergence into taiko and my big saga with jo-ann. that was the first "age" of my choccobo existence. you know, i was really nuts over jo-ann. but now, i can't remember for the life of me what that felt like. i would be lying if i said that she is good at correspondence... i mean, now that she's back in singapore, i don't hear from her any more... and it's a wonder that we got to talk to each other that much in the first place while she was still at stanford. but anyways, the taiko/jo-ann phase was the first segment... and the second one, coincidentally started right after i let go of her... around spring of 2001. that's when i started this journal, and from then on, my e-mail folder starts having a lot more different names populating the blitzes. this isn't very exciting talk, and my only point is i wonder if i'll have another phase. it's really hard to predict the future, especially when i lack a certain kind of visualization skill... so i really don't know what other kinds of things will dominate my next existence. here's something about my lack of ability to visualize... consider that you're single, and try to picture the next girl you will go out with. can you do it? i can't at all. i'm sure that more creative minds can do it, but the only faces i can come up with are faces that i have already seen; i can't synthesize my own people! i think it's weird how some people are incredibly photogenic, and others aren't. i mean, what is it about transfering a real person to a 2-D image that adds or subtracts cuteness? i don't get it. but anyways, there was one girl that i thought was kind of cute, and when i saw a picture of her, i was like, "WOAH." and i kind of recoiled. i mean, it's the same person, but there's just a huge aesthetic difference. go figure. people always bring up the eternal topic, "are looks important." and i say, hell yeah, they're really important. can't fall in love with someone you don't like looking at, you know? and i personally think it's hard to find someone more physically attractive after the initial impression has been unfavorably made. but maybe that's just me. but anyways, i forget where i'm going with this... where i was trying to get to (don't ask me how) was that i think i'm easily teased. if i find a girl cute, that's already one thing down, and after that, it doesn't take much to get me excited. i'm like one of those cats, and once you get its attention with something lame like a blade of grass, and you wave the grass around, the feline me will just start going bonkers and chase that stupid grass all over the place. so over the past few days, i've been experiencing a little of that. i have to be vague, but i'll just say that my heart's been easily tugged around... over practically nothing. and sometimes i wonder why i do this to myself, because this time, i think if i really let myself get carried away, i'll get completely crushed over something ridiculously impossible. i mean, i do enjoy a challenge, and i've always thrived in that sadomasochistic chase, but man, if you were chasing a sherman tank, wouldn't that be a stupid thing? sheesh. stupid me. |