| 4 feb 2002 *yawn*� so fucking tired.� i just can't function during the day for some reason. but last night, i was really really happy.� yay for the new england patriots!� amazing!� from a 5-11 team last year to an 11-5 team this year, and despite being 14-point underdogs, they disrupt the rams' offense for most of the game, and play a nice bruising physical game to win on a last-second field goal by "iceman" vinatieri.� holy shit.� i can't believe they actually had the balls to run a 2-minute drill with 1:30 left in the 4th.� john madden kept on saying that they should just play for overtime, but no... brady drives down the field and gives vinatieri the chance to kick a 48-yarder to win it all... holy shit. it was a great game.� but it's really bittersweet because that means football season has ended.� and once basketball season ends, it'll be a dry boring summer of sports, because i hate baseball. the superbowl party was pretty good... jeremy and kate did an awesome job of rearranging their living room for optimal viewing arrangements, and they must have spent a ton of money on food because the place had enough grub to feed a dozen people. i went home and watched the hour-long _malcolm_, followed by espn highlights of the superbowl, which i kept watching over and over again.� i couldn't stop grinning.� at his party, jeremy was wearing the patriots jersey that i bought him for christmas years ago... the irony is that i wanted to find him a bledsoe jersey, but couldn't find one, so i got him a curtis martin one.� to my dumb luck, the pats traded martin to the jets the following year, so it i felt kind of lame giving him a jersey of a player that wasn't even on the team anymore. ok.� enough of football.� but really, it was a wonderful super bowl.� the only thing that would have been better is if the cowboys had played in it and won. i guess there is some patriots blood in me, though.� i lived in boston from ages 3 to 6, and i had this patriots jacket and hat when i was little.� some bastard kid stole the cap, though... so on paper, it was a great weekend.� i didn't have any idle time except for late last night, when i did some of my requisite naked _time_ reading in bed.� but aside from that, i was constantly doing something. but man, i'm just really tired now.� i guess going to bed at 4-5am both friday and saturday night really killed me.� and it's not like that clubbing stuff was fun, either.� *sigh* while we were driving some place, alan asked me what i would most like to do to have fun.� and to my dismay, i couldn't answer.� i racked my brain over and over trying to find that one thing that would bring me joy, but i couldn't come up with anything.� it really bugged the hell out of me.� am i really that uninspired? i think both my hands have arthritis.� when i make a fist and open it repeatedly, my joints just hurt.� what the fuck?� can i really get arthritis at such an early age?� i'd see a doctor about it, but i'm too lazy. so i've had this theory that i'm always 4 years behind normal people in their social development.� like, for example, my high school growth actually took place while i was at stanford... the girlfriends, the partying, the mingling, the sex... all of that should have taken place while i was in high school, but for some reason, i was 4 years behind. so if that's true, then it's only about now (or rather, starting last year) that i should be adjusting to life after college.� i think that's about right.� i mean, after graduating, for the longest time i still had the same expectations for my life as when i was still in school... i had the same friends, hung out with the same people, etc.� it's only in the past year or so that i've actually tried to make friends outside of my drawgroup, and this brief flurry of clubbing and stuff in the past week and a half is something that i realized i should have done back when i first left school... so i guess i have a lot of catching up to do. what made me think of all this was when somebody (i forget who) told me, "being in school was much easier."� and i wholeheartedly agreed, and then it suddenly hit me, "fuck me, i've been out of school for SO long now!� what *am* i hanging onto here?" i really hate change.� i hate the idea that you work hard to adjust to a certain scene, and then it changes on you, and you're left there in the dust, all obsolete. that's how i feel right now.� obsolete. freshman year, some random dude named james ytalk'ed me.� i know i've written about this before, but this guy was a senior, and he just told me that he was burned out.� weary.� from all the drama and letdowns that he's had. now i'm not saying that i'm like him now, but i definitely can see now where he's coming from.� life gets to be a chore sometimes.� a chore and a bore.� and i have *got* to get out of this rut if i want to be a happy boy again, you know? i'm IM'ing a friend right now, and she mentioned how for the most part, life is easier for girls.� i think i agree.� well, especially considering that i've been watching the boy/girl dynamic at these clubs and parties this past weekend.� but i said that i wouldn't mind being a girl, except for two things... first, periods would be a pain, and second, childbirth would scare the shit out of me.� it looks fucking painful, and i'll never be able to squeeze a baby through such a small hole.� damn.� large dumps already hurts; i can't imagine what it would be like to have a kid flow through my system. anyways.� life is not life without its up and downs.� i keep telling myself that i'm due for a major up.� it's gotta happen. ok.� gotta go.� i have some e-mailing to do. |