| 23 jan 2002 i feel like this month isn't going by fast enough. but then again, if i think about it, i don't know what the hurry is, so *shrug* you know, zippers are possibly one of the coolest most elegant inventions ever. i just spent a few minutes examine the zipper on my a&f sweatshirt, and it's really cool shit! i love ingenuity. i wonder why mike logs on AIM only to immediately set his status to "away." seems kind of silly to me. but anyway, i went to the usual bowling outing. there were lots of people there in our group, and unfortunately, we had to split into 3 lanes. i chose to go to the offshoot lane, so it felt like we were an island out there, not involved in the humdrum that was going on in the two coupled lanes. the only highlight was that i was using a flaming PINK ball, and i bowled once between my legs, and it actually went straight and knocked down 8 pins. bowling is really high-variance. well, i guess a lot of sports/games are like that. i'd just like to believe that i'm improving, but it doesn't seem like it. oh well. i haven't seen jay much lately. either he's on call, or he's hanging out with margaret a lot, or i'm out. i don't like it much. i like feeling more connected to my roommate. i think the new year buzz has worn off. i can feel it in my bones. i can see it in my writing. i feel like all the excitement has kind of seeped out, and now things are back to the old stagnant state. yuck. where, oh where is the juice? i woke up today knowing that i had an interesting dream, but i couldn't figure out for the longest time what it was. then, while driving down the 101, i remembered. i dreamt about k2. we were back together again, and i was really happy. how strange for me, i have this weakness where after time passes, i start to forget why my relationships didn't work out. it's mainly because my brain works such that i forget about all the bad things and only remember the good ones. it's nice for my sanity and overall happiness, but it also is annoying because i don't feel like i can be objective about anything. but anyways, while putting down the 101, i started thinking about high-maintenance women. and how it seems that when i go out with that type of woman, i'm always holding her back. it's like i try to keep them down to earth for as long as possible, but eventually, after we break up, they quickly evolve into this uber-super-socialite status that makes me cringe. and it makes me wonder, "what the fuck was i doing with them?" i honestly don't know. maybe i was duped? maybe the girl really had a partially humble self, but after leaving me, she realized that life is so much more fun when she can use her sexual charms to get what she wants from the current boy who's on hands and knees begging for her to throw him a scrap of herself. *eyeroll* this is not directed at only one person, by the way. but anyways, the whole high maintenance attitude really pisses me off. it comes down to the idea that a person thinks he's "entitled" to things. when a person crosses the line from "wanting something" to thinking he "deserves" it, that's when i start ranting and raving. it seriously chaps my fucking hide. how the hell did someone grow up and decided that he's so good that he deserves all the good things in life? *ooooh* entitlement is bullshit. and don't even get me started on the whole "woman demands a certain type of wedding ring" thing. *RAAR* do i sound bitter? i don't mean to be. :) when my friend kevin visited me, he talked about how amazing a woman's sexual power is. with my more attractive gf's, i definitely agree. it's awe-inspiring sometimes, and other times, it's really sick and twisted how much a girl can get for just being pretty. it makes life seem pretty unfair, doesn't it? anyways... whatever happened to humility? holy shit. this has been a really painful entry to write. very slow, not flowy and coherent at all. i guess it isn't helping that i'm IM'ing my friend amy as i'm writing. she might move out to the bay area. amy is this girl who's a few years younger than me. she's a free, wild spirit. kind of cool to watch. i could never be as free as her. i think i'm too tied down to my surroundings, and my imagined responsibilties (i.e. a family i don't even have). as much as i love drama, i think that a pleasant blissful stasis would be good enough for me as well. hm. i don't want to seem bitter about my ex's. i did love them all. like a total, complete, endearing kind of love. it's just that high maintenance really bugs me, like it bugs me to the point where it feels like an itch underneath my skull that i can't reach, and as much as i try to scratch it and tear at my scalp, i can't get rid of the botherment. i just don't understand how people grew up to be like that. don't you know that life is a luxury? i want to do my taxes soon. with the whole layoff, i'm wondering if i'll get money back this year, because my withholding was according to an income that i didn't get... it'd be nice to get a refund this year. give me something to cheer about! e-mail me. |