| 22 jan 2002 i feel odd today. and i have nothing to say, really... just got back from a lackluster basketball session where i had to borrow some shoes and wear my jeans because all my stuff is in the car, and the car is in the shop. those shoes i borrowed were actually mine... i bought them back in 1993. and i gave them to an ex-teralogic employee, so today i put them on, and it was a weird sort of greeting... these old old pair of black/white nike air barrages that have like EIGHT swooshes on each shoe... talk about gaudy advertising... i think i'm paralyzed. i got handed a decent-sized assignment yesterday. it's verification, something that i don't particularly care for (as opposed to design), and it's pretty involved. so i'm just sitting here, wondering how i'm going to tackle it. yup. paralyzed. i have to basically built up the verification environment from the ground up by myself. i was IM'ing rita yesterday about how lazy i've become. i think she kind got miffy about it because there really is no excuse for me being what i am... it's probably very sad and pathetic to look at. i really wonder how much of this mentality is because of my haldol. from what i remember, my slackerdom started when i initiated my haldol. yeah, it's circumstantial evidence, but from what i know of haldol (it's an antipsychotic that dulls the brain down), it would make sense if the drug is somehow limiting my motivation to do stuff. but... i'm really scared to find out. what if i get off the drug, and my tics come back in full force? that would fucking suck. but i just remember how active i used to be at the office, doing this and that, and i miss that... i miss the respect i used to get at the workplace. anyways... enjelani linked me for my "amazing frankness." hm. i don't think that's particularly special. if anything, to me it sounds like a euphemism for "tactless" or "having a big fucking mouth." arrgh. carol e-mailed me last night, and she asked me if i have a grossness quota, since i talk about all sorts of excreting acts... puking, farting, taking dumps, g-spot orgasms, snowballing, etc. i dunno. i'm not going to try to justify it. i'm just amused by the way the body works. it's pretty neat, actually. i was reading this _time_ article about how the body reacts to foreign invaders. how the hell does it do that? how does it detect "foreign" substances, and know how to send waves of different kind of attackers (T cells, antibodies, macrophages (?)) to stamp out the offending thingies? i mean, nature is governed basically by chemistry and physics, right? so what's the scientific mechanism for cells detecting and attacking each other? meaning, how does it work on a *fundamental* basis? i am so impressed yet baffled by that kind of stuff... and then, the deeper question is, "how are we alive?" if we're ultimately just a collection of atoms, then what gives us our consciousness? what makes us different than, say, a non-sentient entity like a tree or a cell or a television? it's pretty loopy shit. life confuses me. i wonder if scientists will ever figure out that stuff. i mean, maybe you can argue that we're not meant to figure out the secret of life, but i dunno. if i were given the tools to eventually find out and probe further, there'd be no way that i could contain my curiosity and try to solve the mystery. i'm looking forward to bowling tonight, even though i am currently very very sleepy. hell, i had to get up at 8:45 to take my car to the shop. but it's too bad that benboy isn't coming... last week, geoff told me that ben was going to make it. but apparently, on sunday, he fucked up his back or something during a basketball game. you know, basketball really *is* a violent sport. today, i was driving baseline, and i almost ran into the pole. guess who would have lost in that collision... so far, my commitment to reading every week's issue of _time_ from cover to cover has been going well. but it's kind of like pulling teeth. last night, i had about 70 pages to go, and the new issue is gonna come in one or two days, so i had to finish it. i even altered my tv schedule to fit in my reading session. to me, it's kind of like eating healthy food... it doesn't taste good, and the only satisfaction i get is the rather lame knowledge in knowing that i'm doing something that will benefit me far into the future. yup. lame. i really wish i could start enjoying learning about politics and economics and all that shit. i swear, i'd have much more fun with _entertainment weekly_ or _wired_ or something like that. but i promised myself i'd keep reading _time_, and i'm gonna stick to it. i'm curious to watch _that 80's show_. anybody know when it starts? there are two girls i like on that show. one is chyler leigh (what a name!) who was the lead character in _not another teen movie_, and the other is brittany daniel, the mysterious girl eve two seasons ago in _dawson's_. whatever happened to that storyline, anyway? she was like looking for her mom or something, right? and at the end of one episode, it hinted that she was like the sister of jen or something? i don't remember. but anyway, she was hot. and what's more, she's blonde. i don't usually like blonde girls. one article on the web called brittany daniel a "bombshell." i love that term. i mean, how HOT must someone be to be called a BOMBSHELL? hahaha. k2 and i came up with the term "sex bomb." i was really fond of that term, too. i mean, a bomb of SEX. funny! as in, you swoop down, invade her space and literally drop a BOMB of sex onto them. what an invigorating way to describe heavy romping. sex bomb! i think the word bomb is just funny in general when not describing munitions. i'll stop here. check this out. it's a Game to be held in las vegas! by game, i mean one of those scavenger hunting, puzzle-solving, intellectual "road rules"-type events. i've played in six of them, and i think i've officially retired, but man... las vegas! for the price of $420 a person, they put you in a hotel, feed you, and even give you a van stockpiled with equipment and food! that's pretty sweet. the guys who put this game on also did the star wars game back in my 5th year at stanford. anyways... fuck i'm tired. time to load up on caffeine and attempt to figure out how i'm going to do this assignment i got yesterday. i want a SILVER bowling ball. |