| 10 jan 2002 god damn. it took me like 20 minutes to get pagebuilder up and running. it didn't work in IE, NS6, and so now i'm back on NS4. i have to admit that i've taken eric's advice halfway, so i only use IE at work. but at home, i'm back at my old evil ways and using NS4. so once in awhile, i have to reboot my PC at home. i just don't learn, do i? i miss seing eric's updates. it seems he's run out of space or something, so he has to transfer his site over some other web hosting company. i know he doesn't write that much about his thoughts, but still, for some reason, i have an odd need to see what's going on in his life. brainpoop is back! after not updating for a whole month, i was afraid that he'd imploded or something. i met up with benboy last night for some drinks. well, we only had _one_ drink. while i had my typical whiskey (jameson) on the rocks, ben went nuts and ordered a long island iced tea. i guess if you want to be buzzed on one drink, LIIT is the best bet... if they make it right, it's got three shots of hard alcohol in it, right? but playing over two hours of basketball was a bad idea, though, after getting buzzed... ben got some cramps, and i can't help but wonder if it was because he was dehydrated from the drink. we went to this place called peppermill, which i recognized as a hotel in reno. i think it's the same chain, because there were pictures of the other peppermills, and the place had this feel of a cheap sketchy sleazy casino hotel without the casino. there was this darkly lit swank lounge area, which i think would be a cool (well, acceptable) place for me to gather my friends to have a drink or two. i half expected prostitutes and strippers to prowl around the area, though... but there was this young asian couple there... they must have been early college or something, because had to put up this fuss about being too young or something to be in there. but still, they managed to order drinks, and they proceeded to make out pseudo-passionately for everyone to see. the way i was sitting, they were constantly in my field of view, and i felt a little grossed out. shit. it's not embarassing for me.. but i think it's downright embarassing for them. it was bad kissing... i didn't even see any tongue! yuck. what's a makeout session without some tongue action? sheesh... fucking amateurs. she was average looking, but he looked like a total tool. ben and i talked a bit before heading off to the gym. geez, his whole company is like 95% chinese. i heard more chinese than english there, so for a second i questioned whether i was in the states. but some of those dudes played really well, especially this shorter guy in sweats and a poofy "i got shocked by the electrical outlet" haircut... he was explosive as a bball version of jet li. anyways, i didn't get to play that much, because the people from ben's company got first dibs at spots on the teams. but when i did play, i stunk it up more than my friend's brownie farts. shit. i made one shot. one fucking basket. that was it. i dunno. my basketball has seriously deteriorated, and it's starting to make me really hate the game. the only reason i do it now is for the exercise, whereas before i had this real tangible *passion* for the game. so what's the social event for today? sonya's busy, but i think that's just fine, because i think i'll just take it easy tonight and watch the stanford game when i get home. besides, i have to get to work early tomorrow, so i should sleep at a reasonable time for once. so i finally got my _moulin rouge_ dvd and erasure album last night. thank goodness. the bad news is that the album, _loveboat_, kind of sucks. badly. i'll give it a few more listens, but i'm not getting my hopes up. i think i come across as a romantic usually, but other times, less often, i am really cynical. it's a big part of who i am... a romantic cynic. i wonder if i should be even more cynical because of my long hiatus from relationships... but i'm not at the point where i look at couples and sneer and wonder how long they'll last... but sometimes i wonder if i'm turning into a bitter old man who sees everything as temporary and fleeting. take the honeymoon phase, for example. i think it's a case of pure delirium, when your common good sense has all but evaporated. things look rosy beyond belief, and sometimes i just want to smack people around and tell them, "yo bitch. it ain't gonna last." but then again, i think the honeymoon phase is proof that reality is overrated. given the choice of the stark depressing reality and the senseless euphoria, which would you choose? do relationships make sense? from an idealistic point of view? i think it's a desperate attempt by us humans to feel fulfilled. somehow, we think that the coupling with another person will somehow complete us. or maybe it's our own selfishness and vanity, wanting to be understood by at least one other person on this planet. but is it really possible for someone else to get that close to us? i don't know. i think it's rather dubious. there's one scene or passage somewhere where the girl tells a guy to penetrate her (vaginally speaking). and then, she says, "this is the closest you will ever get to me." ha! in the end, we're all alone. that's the fact that we try to ignore, like ostriches burying our heads in the sand. and love is simply an excuse for us to run away from our inherent and permanent loneliness. it's the religion against solitude. there. i said it. and now i realize why i don't let the cynical side of me out that often. there was this thing freshman year called "crossing the line," it was like a binary game where someone would say a statement like "i come from a middle class family," and those who agree would cross a line drawn in the middle of the room. kinda hokey. but there was one statement that was said... "i feel alone." and even though kristie and i were going out, we both crossed the line. shit. with that kind of attitude, i guess we were doomed from the beginning, huh? that said, i do find myself at my best in relationships. my best. and worst. there may be a part of me that's darkly cynical and bitter, but there is an equally strong part of me that likes the happy fog that settles over my head and clouds my vision in bliss. and that side usually wins. usually. i think for me it's all about my psychology... the romantic is the result of me being a wisher and a dreamer, a man who desperately wants to be ridiculously happy. and the cynic deals with the disappointment; it builds up a wall and keeps me from getting hurt by saying that it was worthless in the first place. and i wonder why it is that i seem so traumatized. because i haven't been. i say this because i thought that people usually build up extreme defenses like that because they've been fucked over in the past. but i have had a pretty good time in my relationships, so i don't know how it is that there is something so dark inside of me. hm. i guess i have to say that it was there even before i started going out with girls. so maybe it's a childhood thing. *shrug* i don't have an answer. one other thing... when i'm happy for people who are in a new couple, i'm usually happy because i think both people are good. i mean, if the girl is a complete skank, or the guy is a grade A asswipe, then i won't give a shit that they're going out. but if they're both quality people, then i'll naturally feel appreciate and marvel at the fact that two good ones struck relationship gold together. so with that, i wish my friends sigsauer and tadashi the best. *wink* this wasn't the ode to love i had planned, but the consolation that this entry was still inspired by you two. the only thing i have left to say is... when you go out with someone, one question that i always have to ask you is, "can you see yourself marrying this person?" because to me, there is no point to the relationship if an indefinite future isn't a possibility. you're just wasting your time otherwise. |