| 2 jan 2002 "it's not just a love affair, it's all or nothing. do i bet it all on love? or change and freak out? when the chances come my way, will they up and disappear? will it ever go my way? or am i out of here? there'll be tears before your bedtime, you mark my words..." i think _cowboy_ is one of erasure's best albums. but no one i know seems to have it. i just found out that they supposedly have a new album out called _loveboat_. i can't find it for sale anywhere. anybody know about this? dude. last night was a really weird night. i was online until about 2, and for the next two hours, i just tossed and turned in bed. i was overtaken by this incredible motivation to do stuff. like walk up to the banana republic girl and ask her when she was taking a break so i could buy her a cup of coffee. and write beautiful prose in my journal and win a pulitzer prize. and stuff like that. i don't think i've felt so positive about life in months and months. and after a while, i kept thinking about this other girl, a basically impossible situation that i should best be vague about to cover my ass. but the gist was that i couldn't get her out of my mind. i was lying there, trying to think about green meadows or something peaceful yet boring to get me to fall asleep, but that girl kept popping up in my head. really odd. i think what got to me was the tragedy of love. i told mike about it yesterday, but i think i was unclear about what i meant. he wrote that i like it when a relationship starts off in turmoil and i'm having problems getting along with the other person. it's kind of the opposite... it's the fact that we get along so well that we both fall in love with each other, but for whatever reason, things are just really ambiguous, so we each have no idea about what the other's thinking, and while there are signs that there's interest, there are also signs that things may not happen. and the whole point is that the relationship seems doomed in the sense that it'll never take off. and that causes pain. and for some reason, i'm masochistic enough to really love that pain. it turns love into a huge roller coaster ride that makes me cry and scream and dance and frolic. and because i go through all that shit, it just makes the relationship that much more satisfying when it finally comes to fruition. yes, it _is_ kind of fucked up, and no, i don't know if i'm like that anymore. but it's something that's very familiar to me, especially with what i went through with kristie and jo-ann. it's a volatile mix of hope and pessimism, like the explosion that you get when you mix acids and bases together. but anyways, last night was the first time in a long time that i've felt that kind of pain. i know it was all in my head, created in a fantasy world, but it was really strong, and it hit me hard... yup, the tragedy of love. but basically, i couldn't sleep for the longest time. *sigh* but i guess the emotional phase i went through was kind of worth it. because it was something i haven't experienced in a long time. and of course, when i woke up today, i lost all of that emotion. banana republic girl? nah. forget about it. i swear. i should write more of these entries at night... my journal would be a lot more dramatic if i did. hm. that's all i wanted to say for today. i'm at work now, and sleepy as hell. i have stuff i would want to talk about concerning work, but after thinking about it, i think i'm going to refrain from discussing work just in case any of it ever gets out to my supervisors. i think i've learned my lesson from my vivace days to leave my professional life out of my journal. i wonder if i'm manic depressive or something. the swings i go through each day... in emotions, motivation, alertness... it's really something to behold. apparently i'm at my best when it's night, and i'm at my worst during the day. i need one more AIM buddy to make my list 20 people long. 20's a nice even number. i had this weird dream where i was eating at some modern tex mex restaurant with alan, jay, jack, etc. and we got these little tortilla things where we had to stick a toothpick in the side and roll the whole thing up into this thick tortilla lollipop. and there was corn. yup. corn. i don't know how i would deal with working if i didn't have the net. i mean, i've never known a professional life without the net because my first year working in 1992... i spent a ton of time downloading anime pictures from ftp sites and reading newsgroups like rec.arts.anime and rec.music.industrial. in later years, i spent a lot of time MUDding. and now it's e-mail, writing in my journal, and AIM chats. at least this is more beneficial to my life (i.e. self-expression, keeping in touch with friends) than ogling cute anime girls or killing monsters in a game. poor jay's sick again. apparently his new year's dinner (at the fancy posh chez tj) was ruined by his malaises. i haven't seen him since early new year's eve, and i was wondering how he was doing. it must be so hard to have to work and concentrate 100% (like in surgeries) while sniffling and basically feeling like shit. i respect him for that. i have the luxury of just going home and sleeping the moment i start feeling something coming down, but jay can't do that... what a life. have you ever seen someone that you find attractive, and while you may be drawn to them, you get this sinking feeling that it's just not the right timing? usually, the bad timing is the result of things happening too late in your life... like had you met a few years earlier, you might have been able to reach out and touch them... that's the kind of regret that i have been having lately... there were some people that i wish i got to know better, but i was in my last (5th) year at stanford, and they were seniors, so it was just not to be. and that just frustrates me because i always believe that if i had a good honest chance, i'd be able to introduce myself into their lives. i mean, for me to do my thing... it takes time, more time than an end-of-the-year scenario allows. so maybe that says something to me... maybe i need to change my method of operation. argggh. i gotta stop thinking about the past. |