I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I got in an argument with my girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick.
I type 101 words per minute. But it's in my own language.
I think Bigfoot IS blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographers fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get out of here.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. But she does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it so it can acheive it's maximum flavor potential.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
One time I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's WAY more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore" but I was thinking "there's no way that's gonna hit him."
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
I love blackjack. But i'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what it's SUPPOSED to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down the street and he fell, that would be totally unacceptable.
I wrote a script for a guy, and he said that he really liked it, but that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, i'll just make a copy."
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, i'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.
Because of (the drug) acid, I now know that butter is WAY better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you have to stick a pause in there."
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Maybe i'd rather light a stick, and have my roomates wake up with false hopes.