Seeing as the current population of Earth is having doubts about certain spiritual matters, the Afterlife Board has developed the following form to allow YOU, the immortality-challenged individual, to take charge of your own destiny. Simply copy the text of the form into an e-mail, answer the questions, and send the completed form to [email protected] to have your request reviewed by the Afterlife Board.
NOTE: Not filling out this form for any reason other than not being made aware of its existence automatically assumes that you desire to go to Hell.
Confession Processing
1) Have you ever done anything which could be construed as malicious, dastardly, harmful, or otherwise bad?
If you are not Christian, Catholic, Jewish, or any denomination/sect thereof, skip Question #2 and continue from #3 on. If you are Christian, Catholic, Jewish, or any denomination/sect thereof, answer Question #2 and skip #3, #4, #5, #6, and #7. If you are Agnostic, Questions #2-7 are optional, and you may proceed immediately to Question #8. If you are Atheist, proceed to the Request Form.
2) How many of the Ten Commandments have you broken? For quick reference, they are:
- You shall have no other gods before God;
- You shall not make for yourself any graven image;
- You shall not take the Lord's name in vain;
- Remember the Sabbath day;
- Honor your father and your mother;
- You shall not kill;
- You shall not commit adultery;
- You shall not steal;
- You shall not bear false witness;
- You shall not covet your neighbor's house.
3) What religion do you belong to?
4) Have you upkept the rites and practices of that religion?
5) Do you practice ritual sacrifice?
6) Have you upheld the moral tenets of your system of belief?
7) Is your divine object of worship male, female, or other (please explain)?
This section deals with your beliefs.
8) Do you consider killing enemies in wartime to be justified, condonable, ethically functionable, or otherwise okay?
9) Is stealing all right if you truly need the item?
Request Processing
1) Do you have any desire, want, or thought in a favorable direction of any kind involving your immediate disposition into Hell?
2) Do you consider Heaven to be an incredibly beautiful realm of paradise, or a boring place where all people do is sing while floating on clouds?
3) Where, exactly, do you want to go? Consider your alternatives:
- Heaven
- Hell
- Stay on earth and be a ghost
- Reincarnate in a different form
- Go to India
- Go to Israel
- Just die forever and keep it simple
Thank you for filling out this form! We hope that your afterlife will be pleasant according to your choices.
If you wish to suggest any changes in this form, please send them to The Afterlife Request Board mailbox and we shall consider your alteration request. If you wish to then resubmit the new form, your responses will be re-weighed.