Mmmmm boy. Emu cheesecake. A hick's wildest dream. Emu cheesecake is not sold in stores. And we're sure as hell not going to give away our recipe on today's show. So I suggest you buy some of this finger lickin' good emu cheesecake, right now. There is so much emu you can barely taste the 4 month old cream cheese. I know your mouth must be watering from this crazy offer. So pick up that phone and call 1-800-Emu-pies. again that number is 1-800-Emu-Pies
Our customers say:
"This is the most unwholesome crap I've ever tasted"
"Jesus Christ I think I'm gonna die!"
"I...think...I'm...gonna...Oh GOD!!" - He had to run home to tell the family about this great offer.
Emu cheesecake isn't the only decadent delights we sell. We also have:
Camel Cakes
Dodo Dingdongs
Kitty Kat Carmel Cookies
Peacock Pancake Surprise
And of course everyone's favorite...
Original Recipe...
Grandma-style...
Reindeer Raisin oatmeal cookies.
Now I know after all this your mouth must be longing for a bite. So call that number. Fast! These are selling like Hippopotamus Hotcakes, just another one of our delightful creations. Animal concoctions are the wave of the future. They are made for twisted people such as yourself.
You see, weird crap like this sells, it really does. You just have to find someone stupid enough to purchase it. And with today's generation lord knows that's not hard. You have people on TV selling the most useless crap. They sell these "diamonds" about as big as your coiled index finger for 35 bucks. You buy it give them your credit card number and if your lucky enough to get your plastic child's toy, you still just gave your credit card number to someone you don't know or a recording. There are people out there who for some strange reason live off the TV, literally.
TV: "Today we have a great sale on this here Cheese log. It's about three years old, smells odd, and we think some foreign insect might be producing a hive in the center, but we are selling it for really cheap. So call in now! We only have 10 more left."
45 year old loser with no life: "Only three years, damn that's some vintage cheese" *dials number* "Man I'll take 2 of those babies!"
So now this Jackass think he just made a great buy. He might as well just bought a bottle of cyanide and drank it by the shot, both have the same outcome.
Occasionally you have a semi-intelligent (I say semi for a reason) person who calls up the show and is put on the air, cause the operators don't know what to tell him, expecting the hosts to.
Customer: "So what can I do with that large old wooden spoon?"
Operator: "Well, you could carve a spoon out of it."
Customer: "Wouldn't that just reduce the size of the spoon therefore making it pointless to purchase a *large* old wooden spoon?"
Operator: "Well, you see...I...uh...LOOK!!" *puts guy on air*
Operator through Microphone: "This is Jerry from Kentucky."
Customer: "My name is Sam and I'm in Utah."
Host: *yells* "Who the hell cares?" *pastes fake smile on* "What do you want?"
Sam: "Well, I was wondering what I could use that large wooden spoon for."
Host: "You know that's a good question." *disconnects customer*
And the moral to this story is...never trust the gnomes that live under your house. This has been a rambles done by me.