Sometimes Life is Like Watching The Hospitalized
You can't stand to watch it to someone who means so much to you because of the fear in your heart that they're gonna flatline in the middle of an operation, die from whatever's put them there , something's gonna fuck up, or just when it seems like everything's okay, things go suddenly worse and now your'e back on ground zero. Yet if you were to even take your eyes off for just a second, if you were to leave the viewing room for even 5 minutes to go have a cigaratte to calm yourself, you'd come back to find everything a mess. Either way, you're fucked. You're sitting there on the edge of your seat gripping your knuckles like you're experiencing the sheer terror of the screaming woman in the horror flick yourself, as if you were the one about to be chopped up by the psychotic axe murderer. Yet you're not. But the sheer terror grips you, forcing you to sit and watch, even though you so badly want to turn your eyes away. There are moments when you are driven to tears in wanting to turn your head for only a blink's worth of time. But if you do that...your fear of something wrong grows even greater. And now you're fucked even more because of the fact that you looked away when you should've just sat and watched. But now for everytime you turn your head your fear just grows and grows till you sweat and cry and sob and are brought down so weakly still that your heart is almost ready to explode from the way it beats out of your chest and back from the adrenaline that courses through your veins faster than the speed of sound.
I had such an experience tonight and I'm not going to talk about it. All I can say is wish me luck on the finals tomorrow.
No wonder some people go crazy.