DREAMS
Dreams. What are the exactly? Little ideas and wishes that are conjoured up in the late of night to feed your desire of happiness. Sometimes to feed into your worst fears. Dreams vary from the greatness of being saved from death to...getting killed by the one you love. A fluxuating time where happiness can be turned into horror in the blink of an eye. You can
scream in a dream an no one can hear you. You can be saved, by your best friend, from death. You can even be killed by the last person you'd expect. You can be bleed to death in the arms of the one you care for and watch him do nothing as you lay dying in his arms or you can fly beyond the clouds and go places you've never been. You can touch the cold water of the arctic ocean in the cold night or feel your own blood pour from your chest onto the floor below you, which is equally cold. In a dream you can cry a for what seems like forever and be comforted by your closest friend, only to wake up in the middle of the night. You get crushed by the realization of it all. This great dream the wonderful feeling you had just felt was nothing more than a mere dream. Nothing you will ever feel in actual life just something you wish were true. You can be miles and miles apart from the person but in the dream you feel closer than you ever could to anyone. You love that feeling but know for a fact it will never come true. Then when it drives you mad because it's just adding onto the pile of great things that's been going on for the past lifetime you go to your friends in hopes of the comforting you recieve in your dreams. You get it the best way you can from the person. You get promises and what not, which you know will never come true, so you get the idea that this person is filling your head with false hope, which isn't true, because your so fucking pessimitic. The only reason your so fucking pessimistic is because the day before you come home to your parents with the first A+ you've gotten since your grades have been falling for the past 5 years and get nothing more than "Good for you." In the back of your mind your thinking "I'm not doing it for me!! It's for you!!" Then you vent your rage by taking a sketching pencil, you haven't touched for months, to your sketch pad, you haven't seen since the 7th grade, and pour your heart out. You draw the most gorgeous heartfelt picture you have ever drawn in your entire life. Your damn need for exceptance by the ones who are supposed to care about you is drowning out your common sense. Your common sense is the part of you that knows for a fact you will get no acknowledgement but you refuse to listen to that part of you and go ahead. There you are showing them and you get a nod and "Nice." You take in a deep breath and decide that's the best you can get from them and just stand there not showing dissapointment. Then a sibling comes in with a 10 minute drawing and then you hear "Awesome! That's great!" You look at them in resentment and walk away. You try again with two more pictures. Still nothing. You go to bed early listening to the radio and have the same dream that's been plaging you for days. You wake up crying at night not even really knowing why. The best reason you can think of and seems to be the most rational is that you know that it will never happen and cry instead of bottling it up until you explode. You cry because you know for a fact that there is no one that cares about you that much. Nobody. And everyone you thought that did left you to fend for yourself at the most vulnerable time of your life. And in your dream your friend comforts you and tells you that it's going to be alright when in your mind the world is going to shambles. Your unspeakably greatful to this person in the dream for caring because perhaps in actuality this person may care for you as much as he did in the dream but then you relize...it's a dream. Nothing more than something your mind conjoured up out of hope. So you go to the person who was in the dream in hopes of explaining the best you can and fail horribly. Or at least you think you do. Frankly so much is going on you don't know what to think. So you go to your friend, who you had the dream about, and talk. Well, your friend tries to talk to you and your just so damn pathetic and pessimistic that you can't see that what your friend has to say makes sense and that he's trying to give you hope, which you've been losing by the barrel full every 3 minutes. Well, what would you do if your friend was living the nightmare, you dreamt about? Well, he thinks that you merely dream about it. When you live it as well. You don't bother to correct your friend. You feel sorry that someone so great has to feel something so horrible and that if you could you'd gladly take their pain away and keep it for yourself, cause that's how much you care. You just don't know how to tell your friend your sorry. So...you just feel bad about complaining. You leave your other friends in the dark on the matter. Or give them an iota of an idea of what's going on. Still leaving yourself to dwell in misery. And all of this is from what? A dream.
This has been a rambles from the wacky and wild world of Grada.
Grada fights for life!