Hey everyone! I've got a great new show for you! You wanna know what it's called?
Black Scorpion
Yes, my friends, the Sci-fi channel has produced an excellent new prime-time television sensation!
Black Scorpion features:
- A full-figured female star
- A pink car that changes to/from a high-tech black Batmobile for the full-figured female star to drive
- Leather suits for the full-figured female star
- An "in-your-face" kind of posterior on the full-figured female star
- Supervillains with thin psychological profiles for the full-figured female star to fight with
- Lots of explosions
Did I mention anything that didn't relate directly to the full-figured female star? Well, that's because there wasn't anything in the show that didn't involve her. She IS the show. And while that may work for some people, a plot helps too.
Oh, sorry, I forgot. The explosions had absolutely nothing to do with the full-figured female star. They just occurred whenever she was around.
Plot? What plot? The first - and only - episode that I will ever devote a small amount of my attention to was as involved as Alvin and the Chipmunks finding a warehouse full of TNT. The main villain, cleverly named "Fire-Arm," was a weakly motivated psycho who had a prosthetic limb which basically blew stuff up. And the full-figured female star (I have now started copying and pasting that) had to, of course, kill him. Cars blew up and dialogue forced its way in occasionally. What can I say?
This show is the worst piece of crap to come to the Sci-fi channel since Poltergeist: The Legacy. Actually, it's worse. To my knowledge, Poltergeist had characters. Black Scorpion has cardboard cutouts. Here's what I think of this new show:
GO GIVE YOURSELF A MANICURE, CRACK SCORPION!
Being a male, I must admit a certain amount of interest in a few elements of the show. However, there's nothing else in the show to make it worth an hour of my life every Friday night. If I'm that bored, I'll go out with a real girl.
There's also nothing in Crack Capricorn to justify having removed MST3K, which was an awesome show. Since MST3K, the best show has been Farscape, which involves outcasts from a variety of alien races all stuck together on a ship.
They might take Farscape off the air as well. The Sci-fi channel takes every good show off the air, and has plenty of filler hanging around in their storerooms.
THEY'RE CATERING TO MORONS AND TREATING THE REST OF US LIKE CRAP!
So back to Rack Porcupine. There's a black guy in the show too. Nothing wrong with black guys, but what are they doing in a show like this? He must be desperate to play a role in the story of Rock Turpentine. He runs an auto repair shop, and somehow got involved in transforming Pink-Cashmere into Leather-Butt. Did I mention that Creak Thorium is also mild-mannered Airhead Bimbo? Well, she is. And she works with a mechanic. A mechanic who somehow built a transforming car.
Their set might as well not be there. Their acting is like a bunch of self-conscious schitzoids walking around in front of a white screen, speaking pathetic dialogue in monotone voices. All the set does is get blown up.
In short, there is nothing of value in Flick Monotone, and watching it for long enough to write about has taken away time I can never get back.