Gee, what am I thinking . . . . feeling, etc. ?
Well, to put it simply, I'm scared. After reading up on the drugs that I will be taking on a website my Dr. provided for me, the drugs seem scarier than the disease itself. I'm worried about my ability to take this kind of "abuse", about Philip's ability to handle everything when I can't (and keep his sanity - that is, if he ever had any to begin with), and about my family's emotional state throughout all of this.
For those family members (or friends) who are interested in what the effects of the drugs are going to be, I'm going to post a special page for that here on the website. . . I just don't want to get into all the details for those who are more interested in an overall view.
One of the medicines is so toxic that if they spill it onto my skin, or if the port or IV leak, I will need skin grafting in order to fix it. Two of the Three medications have a long term side effect of causing a higher risk of contracting Cancer of the Blood (Lukemia) in the years following treatment. Wonderful. (especially considering the fact that since I've had Cancer, I'm already naturally at a higher risk of contracting any kind of cancer anyway)
I'm scared of whether or not my body will hold under the treatment, how severely the side effects will affect me, how it will generally affect my life. I'm worried about all the things that might be left "undone" around the house, how my husband is going to cope (both physically and emotionally). Having to handle almost everything on a daily basis during the surgery recovery of about 3 weeks, he was at the end of his rope - physically and emotionally. I don't know how it's going to affect him with this going on until NEXT SUMMER.
And of course, I'm worried about Damon.
Over the last 2 weeks, I've been asked 4 times "Mommy are you going to die?" I tell him "No", but how do you explain all of these things that are happening to a child? What do you say to them? How do you reassure them in the midst of all that is going on? When I tell him that I would like to sleep in a little bit in the morning, and rest some, the first response is : "Mommy, are you going to die? What's happening?" I just don't know how to reassure him. For the last 2 weeks, he's been vomiting almost on a daily basis. . . . just totally out of the blue. I asked the Dr. about it today, and she seems to think it's nerves. Gee, I wonder what he has to be uptight about. It's one thing to deal with these nerves, etc. for a couple of weeks - but how is he going to handle it for 8-9 months ?!? I know that he has a wonderful support system at school, and has basically a second family there - but even that can only go so far. We have him set up to talk with our Pastor on a weekly basis, hoping that maybe he can get Damon to open up more than we can.
I asked Philip the other night (after getting the blood work results that I mentioned in the earlier post): "How many more logs can we throw on the fire?" It was probably a question best left unasked - but really. . . . how much more ? I mean, 1st was the diagnosis, 2nd was the fact that it was growing so rapidly - over 3 times as fast as normal cancers, 3rd was the finding that the tumor was over twice as large as anticipated, 4th was the increased risk of reoccurance (75-80%), now the problem with my previous blood tests and the Liver function, and last but not least, the medicine I'm taking and side effects.
When I was first diagnosed, my Dad said: "God may not keep bad things from happening to us, but he will never leave our side, and he will always be there to help us through the tough times." I know that he's right. . . . and also that God will never give us more than we can handle. Although, sometimes I want to ask "God, are you sure you don't have us mixed up with someone else? 'Cause I don't know if we can handle all this." Our friends and family are like that too . . . . you have all been there, standing right by our sides through all of this. I also know that you will all continue to be there to support us.
We have strong faith that God will guide us through this, and help us cope with everything that is going to happen. . . . and he's set us up with some pretty awesome people in our corner throughout this fight. We have a very long and tough road ahead of us - and I know we have the support that we need. . . . . and always will. THANKS to all of you who have been there for us and who are standing by for "direction" in the future. THANKS for all the support and love you have all shown us . . . . . . we will need every ounce of it along the way.
I feel a little better now than when I first got on here - I knew this was a great idea (Thanks Denise!).
Guess that's all for now - until next time . . . . . . .
Christy
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