Chasing Gavin
Say what you want
Say what you want. I don't care if you think that I'm miserable and dejected. I don't care if you say that I'm wrong or off beam. I don't mind if you say anything in opposition to me. Your judgment about me doesn't concern me at all. Your words just flow through me like water, and not a drop of it remains in my wits. Not a word from your mouth echoes in my ears. They presently surge through me and I don't feel anything. Not anger, nor guilt, nor resentment, nor shame. Neither happiness, nor melancholy, even disappointment nor frustration. What you think about me is none of my business. Just say what you want. I'm not impeding you from doing so. I don't heed what you think about me. I'm different from you, and not one in this room can replace me for that matter. So I allow you to just say what you want. I won't get mad at you.
Say what you want. I have come to always have this undemanding phrase in my head. I have marveled my self with thoughts and feelings about what others think about me. I have wondered myself with my emotions that never seem to illustrate anything. But people just say anything about me, they gossip and tittle-tattle about my weaknesses and limitations to other people. They scold me when I'm wrong, when I forget something, and when I answer back. They just say what they want, so I end up hating and disliking them. I have experienced punching my bed; I have attempted writing the way that I feel on a piece of paper when I'm upset; and I have tried talking to the wall after being yelled at, because they say anything they want to me without being sensitive of how I would feel. With their tongues as sharp as knives, they cause me to lose my temper and blurt out every rude word that would enter my head. So in actuality, I end up being hated by everybody.
So I let them say what they want so they would be satisfied. Satisfied that they have told me how they feel about me. Be it harsh or ruthless, I don't mind what those people say to me. I show no reaction to them, which makes it seem to them that it's fine with me if they hurt my feelings. I hide it with a smile on my face, making their words sound like a joke to me. I have made it clear to those people that I never get mad, even if they say the cruelest words to me. I just smile back at them, because it seems that smiling makes it hurt less.
Have you seen me get mad before? Have you seen me frown or glare at you with an angry look on my face? I haven't yelled at somebody's face before, nor have I given anyone a mad look on my face. That's because I hide it with a smile. But my smile is just a mask...it's a mask that prevent the world from knowing the way that I feel. It's a mask that conceals the fact that I also get angry and upset, that I also weep and cry when you try to say anything you want to me.
So please don't say what you want. I care when you say think that I'm miserable or dejected. I care when you say that I'm wrong or off beam. I mind if you say anything in opposition to me. I worry when you consider me odd or weird. Your judgment about me concerns me a lot. Your words echo in my ears and stab me like a thousand knives. I feel angry and guilty and resented and ashamed. I feel cheerless and depressed and disappointed and frustrated. Please don't say what you want. I'm stopping you from doing so. You are making me angry and upset; you're making me weep and cry like a child! Please don't say what you want. You can hardly see it, though I smile like you do. You'll never know...I could be mad at you.
