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GENERAL JOKES
How To Catch Lion !! ??
> Ø Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion
> Ø Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.Due to
higher relative velocity, the lion
will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
> Ø Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven
that its a Lion. If anyone comes
back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
> Ø Indian Police Method: catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to
accept that its a Lion.
Now lets kill the lion...
> Ø Rajnikanth Method : Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack
anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
> Ø Ramarajan Method : Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion will
die notwithstanding
that heavy weight.
> Ø Jayalalitha Method: Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and
kill it,
while it's sleeping !
> Ø Manirathnam Method (director): Make sure the lion does not get sun light and
put the lion in a dark room with a
single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be
highly irritated and commit suicide.
> Ø Karan Johar Method (director): Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and
lioness fall in
love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest,followed by another
lion. First lion loves the
first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves
both lions. Now send
another lioness(third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read
it after 15 yrs, then
also u wont !
> Ø Yash Chopra method (director): Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill
it in a good scenic location.
> Ø Govinda method: Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
> Ø Menaka Gandhi method: save the lion from a danger and feed him with some
vegetables ontinuously.
> Ø George bush method: Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
> Ø Rahul dravid method: Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and
score 1 run
Sirnames
with due apologies to all.................
Maharashtrian Surnames
Maharashtrians at Work
1. One with only one finger - EKBOTE
2. True Maharashtrian - KHARE
3. False Maharashtrian - KHOTE
Some Special Maharashtrians
1. One who only takes - LELE
2. One with bulb factory - DIVEKAR
3. Maharashtrian Bill Gates - BAL PHATAK
4. One with weight of 100 tonnes - SOMAN
5. Neil Armstrong - NEELESH BHUJBAL
6. One with K on his head - SHIRKE
7. Bakery owner - PAWGI/BUNKAR
8. Narasimha Avtar - POTPHODE
9. One with stomach problem - POTDUKHE
10. One who lives in village - GAONKAR
11. One who only take money - DAMLE
12. One who is brave - WAGH/VEERKAR
13. One who is untidy - GABALE
14. Cotton mill owner - KAPSE/RUIKAR
15. One who eats more - DHOLE/DHAMDHERE
17. One who works very cool - KULKARNI
18. Building constructor - WAADEKAR/MAHALE
19. One who is coward - PULEKAR
20. Silver mine owner - CHANDEKAR
21. One who reaches the root - MULEY
22. One who is real cat - MANJAREKAR
23. One who is 1000 times more intellegent - SAHASRABUDHHE
24. One who divides by 2 - NIMKAR
25. One who kills - MARANE
26. Do die do - KARMARKAR
27. One who twists - PILGAONKAR
28. The God - DEVO/DEO-kule
29. Big old Rishi - MAHAMUNI
30. One who always wins - JAYKAR
31. One who talks a lot - MAHASHABDE
32. One who doesn't talk - GOOPCHOOP
33. One who builds temples - DEVALEKAR
34. One who runs away - BHAGWAT
35. One who blackens everything - KAJALE
36. One who always says 'take away' - NENE
37. One who is father - BAPAT
38. One who feels very cold - KAKDE
39. One with tailoring shop - SHIWDE
40. Jeweller - RATNAPARAKHI
41. One who always go to varanasi - KASHIKAR
42. One who is very sweat - GODSE
43. Its okay - BARWE
44. Mango man - AAMBEKAR
45. One who Opens up , by getting aside - KOLHATKAR
46. One who thinks - VICHAARE
47. One who is close to everyone - JAWALKAR
48. One who is wise - SHAHANE
49. Colourful Maharashtrians
- KALE
- GORE
- HIRWE
- KALBHOR
- PIWALE
- DHAWLE
Some famous Maharashtrians
50. Arnold Schwarzenegger - ARJUN SHIVAJINAGAR
51. Demmie Moor - DAMAYANTI MORE
52. Bob Dole - Baburao Dole.
53. Some Metallic Maharashtrians
- PITALE
- TAMBE
- LOKHANDE
- SONE
54. Worriless Maharashtrian - NIKALJE
55. Clerk - Chitnis
56. One who talks sweetly - Godbole
57. Always enthusiastic - Josh-i
58. A desperate surgeon - Phad-ke
59. One with a garden - Phule
60. Who's always sad - Udas
61. Escaping from a jail - Yarawdekar
62. A person with a nursery (flowers) - Bagaitkar
63. A person definitely from Konkan- Phansalkar.
64. An auto mechanic (automechanik) - Gadekar
65. Always stay away - Pad-hye
66. Factory of hair - Kes-kar
67. Lastly essay writer - Nibandhe
Some Non-Maharastrian Surnames
1. Best chatter - Chatterjee
2. Honest person - Pramanik
3. Owner of maximum interfaces - Gates
4. Owner of shoe factory - Schumacher
5. Always singing - Sing-h
6. Always forcing to eat - Kha-n (nnnnnnn)
7. Full of yummy curd - Dahi-ya
8. Always shy - Sharm-a
9. Who always crosses - Adva-ni
10. A mentally troubled - Yada-v
When tiger locks homes
This is for Desis. OR else it does not make sense.
Once upon a time... In a village, there came a lion & started the troubling
villagers. Being frustrated because of the lion,
people decide to take some action. They decide that after 6:00 o'clock in the
evening everybody will return home and
lock the doors from inside.
The trick works, lion comes and finds nothing. Second day also it comes and sees
the same thing everywhere! It
happens for two-three nights. Then finally one day, the frustrated lion comes
and locks all the doors from outside
and goes back into the forest.
Now suggest some good title for the story!
Reminder: You are asked to suggest the title of the story and not the moral
Try your best and then scroll down for the title
Think of a title
Scroll down
Elementary, my dear..........the title of the story is:
"SHER-LOCK-HOMES"
Relatives
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What?
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to
men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Why Women Are Stupid?
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so
beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Animal brought out of Husband
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing
his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in
me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
Thodi Sheroshayary
Tumko dekha to yeh khayaal aaya
Ki kal raat ko maine itna kyon khaaya
Tu mere dil mein aise samaayi hai
Jaise baajre ke khet mein bhains ghus aayi hai
Teri zulfein hain ya ghana andhera
Katwa de baal, aur kar de savera
Juice peene ka maza cup mein nahin, glass mein hota hai
Greeting card dene ka maza gharwali ko nahin, saali ko hota hai
Wo ladai hi kya jis mein do chaar gaaliyan na ho
Aur woh sasuraal hi kya jahan koi saaliyan na ho
Majnu Laila ke baal pakad ke bola
Moya kitne din se sar nahin dhoya
Jaayiye aap kahan jaayenge
Hum khud aapko chhod aayenge
Khush rahe tu sada yeh dua hai meri
Teri premika hi ban jaaye bhabhi teri
Hum aapke dil mein rahate hai
Aur bhaada bhi nahin dete hai
Draupadi ka vastraharan Dushasan k o pada bhari
Saari mein saari Parag saari!
Zoron ki baarish Makes me wonder
Is this what they call, Taste the thunder?
Count the Chickens
Two sardarjis walked toward each other on a country road. One carried a bag over
his shoulder. "Hey Bhai," first sardarji drawled, "what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," was the reply. "If I guess how many chickens there are in the bag,
can I have one?" "If you can guess, you can have both of them."
"OK," first sardarji said. "Five."
Number of Pieces
Sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or
twelve pieces.
Sardarji says : "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces !"
Bombs
Sardarji's got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the
Parliament. They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their
car and set off.
One asks the other "What happens if the bombs blast off now"
The other says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back
seat"
Modern Mahabharat : Junk Mails
Arjun being disillusioned & Krishna trying to clear that disillusionment...
Krishna: Try to respect the e-mails of your elders, Arjun.
Arjun: But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable
elders who are logged on honourable domain?
Krishna: Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes. They
are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of junk
mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.
Arjun: Hey Murari ! After seeing all this I feel like resigning
from Software Industry? (Cosmo e-group?)
Krishna: Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a viscous circle of
Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are commited to none.
Junk mails have existed before you came to this world and shall
remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty.
Just keep firing junk mails.
Arjun: But Devaki Nandan...........!
Krishna: .....Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop
pondering about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed
by your Guru Dronacharya.
Arjun: Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the system?
Krishna: Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with
Hardware.However, it is another aspect that it overloads the system....fills up
thehard disk.. but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra,
the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another, likewise these
junk mails move system to system.
Arjun: How can one define junk mail?
Krishna: Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it..
neither it can be conqured nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails
cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev.. Junk mails are immortal.
Arjun: Hey Narayan ! Now all my fundaas on junk mail are crystal clear.
You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, else I would have lost myself in
Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.
............MAHAAABHAAAAARAT............
Stolen Tent
Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see
millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent a moment, then spoke: "You idiot. Someone has stolen the
bloody tent."
George Bush & Condoleeza
George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"
Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
George: "Great. Lay it on me."
Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
George: "That's what I want to know."
Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "I mean the fellow's name."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The guy in China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The new leader of China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The Chinaman!"
Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
George: "That's whose name?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East."
Condoleeza: "That's correct."
George: "Then who is in China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir is in China?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Then who is?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "No, thanks."
Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
George: "No."
Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
Condoleeza: "And call who?"
George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi."
George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."
Marathi PJs
Vishari Saap
ekda ek saap doosrya saapala vicharto ki 'kay re apan vishari ahot ka binvishari'?
doosra vicharto 'ka re?'
pahila mhanto 'nahi re attach mi mazi jeebh chavli'..
Japani Twins
eka japani jodpyala juli mule hotat... naav kaay thevtil ?
: Jo Hua, So Hua
Similarity Between Software Engineer & Bhikari
don software eng. ani don bhikari jevha ek mekanna bhettat tevha sarkhach
prashna vichartat
kuthla ??
uttar : kuthla platform ??
JoJo
ekada kahi lok "jojo" la encourage karat asatat...ani encourage karata
karata sagale jhopatat, jojo sakaT.. ka?
karan te jojo..jo..jo..jo..oraDat asatat
Kanoon
ekda ek police officer la naaral hawaa asto.. pan jawal dookan wagere kahinaste..
ek naaralache zad aste pan te lake madhlya island war... ani boat naste,
policala pohta yet naste.. tar to naaral kasa kadhel??
uttar: haatane.. karan kanoon ke haat lambe hote hain..
itke karoon policala naaral kadhta yet nahich.. ka?
uttar: kyonki kanoon andha bhi hota hain..
Dora & Dori
Ekda eka... Dora ani Dori che lagna hote..
Eka varshani dori pregnant hote.. Dora khush, tila doctor kade gheun jato...
Doctor operation kartat.. dorila jule hotat...
Dusrya varshi Dori punha pregnanat.. punha operation...ani Dori la tile
hotat...
Tisrya varshi.. doctor barach vel operation kartay.. Dora tension made
operation-theater chya baher ghirtya ghaltoy..
Shevti doctor baher yetat..kapalavaril gham pusat...Huusshh..
Dora... khushit yeun vicharto..doctor-doctor kay zale...???
Doctor mhantat....
.
.
Gunta Zala...!!
Sarpatnare Prani
vargat sir mulana vichartat " don sarapatnarya pranyachi nave sanga..."
mulaga-" saap"
guruji-" ani dusara prani..?
mulaga-"dusara saap..."
Bank Clerk on a tree
Banket Kam karanara ek Clerk roj kamavarun alyavar thodya velane
zadachya fandivar jaun basato. Ka?
He hopes to be a BRANCH MANAGER.
Akravya Porache Naav
eka mansala 11 pora astat...
pahilya dahanchi naava daha, vis, tis, chalis, pannas, saath, sattar, ainshi,
navvad ani shanbhar astat... tar akravyacha naav kay asel?
ans : ready ka?
Lie Clocks
Rabri Devi dies and goes to heaven. Yamraj was standing at the gate and
there is a big wall behind him full of clocks.
Rabri asked," what are those clocks?"
The reply comes," Those are Lie Clocks. Every one in the earth has a Lie Clock.
The moment the person tells a lie the hand in the clock moves."
Oh,that's great, says Rabri. " Who's clock is that"?
"That's of Mother Teresa. She never spoke a lie in her life. Therefore,
the hand didn't move at all."
She pointed to another clock, "What about this one"?
The reply comes," That clock is of Abraham Lincoln. It's hand moved only twice.
That suggests that he lied only twice in his entire life."
Rabri was very impressed," Where is the clock of my dear beloved Laloo?"
Yamraj gave a stern look to Rabri and said, "It's in my office. I am using it as
a ceiling fan."
Vajpeyee & Bush in a Bar
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, thats them."
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are u guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
Guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle
repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the
14 million Pakistanis!"
Bhai Quotes
1. There 's a minor problem
Arre yaar,"waanda" ho gaya.
2. There's a big problem...
Arre yaaar ,"jhol" ho gaya!!
3. There's a huge (unsolvable) problem.
Arre yaar ,"raada" ho gaya
4.You will be surprised
Ekdam "hil" jayega tu!!
5. I'm leaving
Chal apun "kaltii" marta hai.
6. Don't make a fool of others!!
Dekh ,tu"shendi" mat laga sabko
7. Just get out of here ,you over-smart fool!!
Chal e shaane ,"hawa"aan de!!
8. I'm not as stupid as you think!!
Apun kya "Alibag se nahi aaya!!
9. There's some misunderstanding_
Arre ,kuch"galat faimili"ho gayi!
10. Do you drink daily ?
Tu kya roz "full 2"hota hai?
11. See , you are afraid !!
Dekh,teri to "phat"gayi!!
12. Shall I just bash u?
E,doon kya "kharcha pani"?
13. Just take him into a sceret place
Use jara "khopche me leke ja
14. Don't bluff, OK?
E,jyaada "raag"mat de......
15. Yeah ,she is staring at you ,buddy!!!
Kya sahi "line"deti hai "bhiduu"!!
16. Don't take so much tension
Jyaada "load"nahi leneka kya??
17. Your clothes r very awkward!!
Kya "zagmag/dhinchaak" pehna tune?
18. I dont care about it much
Abe yaar, "hata saawan ki ghata"
19. Please dont bore me ....
Jyaada "pakaa"mat be tu
20. All this must be done without anyone noticing
Sab kaam ,"suumdi "me hona chahiye...kya?
Defintions
College :
A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Etc :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Ecstasy :
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you Have never felt
before.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that
nothing can be done together.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary :
The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Marriage :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her
master.
Father :
A banker provided by nature. (not good one)
Rumour :
News that travels at the speed of sound.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest of us...except that he got caught. (not true)
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer :
One that is paid for sending and receiving such E-mails!
Engineer Vs Manger
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
altitudeand spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're
between 40 and 41 degree north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees
westlongitude. "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied
the woman, "How did you know?" Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you
told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You
must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You
have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were
in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Bill Vs GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would
all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had eveloped
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull over to the
side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and
refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast and twice
as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.
7.The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until
you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of
the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again
because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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