Friday morning, I got up and after running my usual morning routine, I picked up my bag, picked up my train ticket and left my apartment. I took a cab, admiring the morning wake up of Tokyo. It was a lot like New York in the morning hours. People rushing to work, shops opening up, people cleaning in front of stores, washing windows, papers being sold as school girls walked through the streets in their uniforms. I watched the scenery until I got to the train station. After paying my fare, I grabbed my bag and went inside he station and caught my train.

The ride was an hour long, silent for the most part since it was a train to Kamakura after all. As we began to approach my home town, I reached up to my hair and loosened it, letting it fall around my face, running my fingers through it as I shook it out and then put the elastic band around my wrist. Once the train stopped, I got my bag and left. I walked home like I did before and got to the temple. I went inside, the priests hardly recognizing me as they bowed their heads. I bowed in return as I made my way inside and found my mother. She smiled at me, kissing my cheek as she said,

"Did you walk here again?"

"Yes."

"You could have told us you were coming. I took your lack of response as a no."

"I was busy. I didn't receive your letter until yesterday. It would be wrong of me not to come now."

She nodded as she said,

"Your brother is getting married tomorrow afternoon, in the garden."

"I see. Why so suddenly?"

"It's not sudden. The wedding has been in process for almost two years now."

"I had no idea he had someone in his life that long."

"She's a sweet girl. She comes from this city as well. Her father runs the other temple only down the road."

"You're not talking about Keikyo are you?"

"Ah, so you do remember her."

"Only that when we were children she hated Soujiro."

My mother laughed slightly as she tucked her hands in her kimono as she then said,

"Childhood antics. People grow up."

I nodded, tucking my hair behind my ear as she said,

"So, now that you're here, your brother will be pleased."

I recalled the last time I faced my younger sibling. We did not part on good terms since he thought he knew what I did for a living. I scared him. We walked towards the usual room I stayed in as I dropped my bag off as my mother said,

"Will you see your father?"

"Yes."

"Please, try to get along with him."

I nodded, tying my hair back again as I went to find the old man. My father was still a proud religious man. Now he was beaming with fatherly pride that his son was getting married. Though, not his first. I saw my brother and father talking as I entered the room. My father's face instantly hardened once he saw me and said,

"Ryo, what a surprise that you're here."

I clasped my hands behind my back as I bowed and said,

"I was asked to come."

"Your mother wrote to you weeks ago."

"I was out of town then."

He glared for a moment as I then noticed my brother. He was still somewhat afraid of me so he hesitated before saying hi to me. My father then said,

"So, you're here to see your younger brother marry and start his life before you."

"I started my life long ago."

He grew angry at my snide remark, but I wasn't too happy with his emphases on my younger brother being married. It didn't seem to occur to my father that maybe I don't want to get married. Ever. Anyway they continued in their conversation so I just excused myself and spent time with my mother. We had tea in the garden where my brother was due to be wed. She seemed very happy about the whole ordeal. I held my cup in my hands as I said,

"You seem pleased."

"Oh, I am. He'll have a family soon. I'll be a grandmother."

"I apologize for not doing it first."

"Ryo, you realize that since the moment you were a baby and I held you in my arms, I knew you would never fit the mold. You would never do what you were required, what was expected or what was wanted. Since the moment you started talking, I decided that I would be happy with whatever you choose for yourself. So I never once expected you to be married first, or to have a child or to be your father's Shinto priest."

"Does that bother you, that I'll never be what you wished for?"

"No. Because you're what you want to be. And that's what matters."

She set her cup down on the plate as she said,

"I feel something in you that's different. You are happy but at the same time, not."

"Something like that."

I stirred my tea again once I set it back down on the table. She said,

"I see. You're unhappy because you know what you have to do and the end results are not what you want."

"Yes."

She nodded. She took a drink from the cup as she then changed the subject and said,

"Your hair is much longer."

I nodded as I picked up my cup again and drank. Later that night, we dinner with my brother's soon to be wife Keikyo. I remembered her faintly, but she looked the same. The same little girl I knew before, dark black hair, tied back with bangs over her forehead, large eyes, pale skin, traditional kimono on her slender frame. My brother was stricken by her presence alone. He admired her for all her beauty, even though it was plain. Keikyo however, seemed elsewhere. I looked at her a few times as she spoke with my father. I saw even my mother saw that Keikyo was elsewhere though my brother fawned over her as if she was an empress, worthy of everything and anything. I merely ate my dinner and didn't say a word.

It was a traditional wedding, consistent of oversized, over romanticized and over the top kimonos, head pieces and tradition. I merely stood in the back, in my suit, hair tied back low as before as I held my hands behind my back. Though to my brother and father I looked like a cross between psycho and salary man, they were unaware of the gun stuck inside my breast coat pocket. My mother who seemed to just understand anything I was and everything I did, didn't mind where I stood or what I did not say. She only smiled at me and I gave her a nod in return. As sakura petals fell from the trees above the garden and traditional music began to play from the instruments from the old men my father had there to play, I wandered away, picking up a glass of a wine on my way back into the temple. I sat down in my room, drinking from my glass of wine as I leaned back against the wall and sighed. I was bored and I had another day to go. As I sat there, I picked up my cell phone that I left on the bed when I saw I had a message. I read it, seeing it was from Toki. He wrote he missed me and that was it. That was more then enough. As I finished the glass, I heard a soft tap and I got up to answer, sliding the door back as I saw my mother.

"You disappeared."

"I got bored."

She gestured me to come with her and I stepped out of the room, sliding the door behind me as I followed her. We returned to the festivities as my brother and his new bride were being surrounded by guests, most of the people in the town where here today, my father still beaming with pride. I could roll my eyes if I wasn't in front of my mother. She walked right up to my brother with his bride as I stood beside her. She then turned to me and waited for me to say something. I sighed, not sure what to say...not wanting to say anything actually but eventually, after struggling for a moment, I said,

"Congratulations. I welcome you to our family Keikyo."

She smiled warmly as she bowed her head and said,

"Arigato giri no kyodai."

I nodded slightly as Soujiro still looked at me with fear. I wish he would stop looking at me like that. But he then bowed his head slightly and thanked me as well. Soon afterwards, the photographer gathered my brother, his wife, my mother and father as well as myself for a picture. I didn't want to, but I didn't really have the choice. I stood by my father and brother, looking ahead, my gaze was dead as always as I stood in a suit while the rest of my family was in traditional formal wear. The flash of the camera popped before me and I knew I didn't smile though everyone else did. I stayed in the garden for a long time, long after my brother and his wife finally forgot I was there. Eventually, I walked away from the main area, walking down the flat stone steps, seeing the rock fountains that flowed into carp pools with pink sakura petals floating on their surfaces. I walked further into the garden, but away from everything going on as I finally found a place to be by myself. I sat down on the small stone bench, glancing up into the sky. I hated this town, I hated what it reminded of and I hated being here. But I liked seeing my mother again. Time was one of those great things and one of those bad things. I knew within time my father would go on and that would be one less burden for me. But at the same time, my mother would too. I felt sad about it, but I knew I couldn't weep. Now my younger brother was married to a woman that didn't seem to pleased with being with him. I faintly wondered why she would even bother, but at the same time I found myself not caring. A gust of wind blew through the darkening air, rustling sakura drops from the tree above me. They fell like a pink shower, some falling in my lap. I picked up a petal, turning it over as I admired it. Things were not so bad. They just weren't stable enough. I couldn't ask for perfection...I knew I would never get it so there were no hopes of ever dreaming of perfection. I stayed on my own for about two hours. When I was finally found, it was only because my mother let me know the party was winding down and everyone was beginning to leave. I didn't even wonder how she found me.

The next morning, I woke up to find my brother and his bride had gone to spend their time alone. My father was still beaming, overflowing with pride as my mother served him some tea. I walked into the dining area, now showered but in my semi casual clothes being khakis and a short sleeved button down. I had tied my hair up in a higher tail, bangs framing my face as I bowed to my parents and then sat down. My father looked at me hard as he then turned away and went back to his breakfast. I poured a cup of tea as my mother said,

"How was your sleep Ryo?"

"Fine."

"Nice of you to vanish during your brother's wedding."

I sighed to myself, thinking, here we go.

"I was there."

"You could have fooled me. If you weren't going to be part of the family, why did you bother coming at all?"

"I didn't come for him. I didn't come for you. I came on my mother's request. That's all."

He looked at me hard, angry I had said such a thing to him. My mother sat down after setting my breakfast in front of me. She smiled faintly as my father then went back to eating. I started to eat as well as he then said,

"What is that on your arm?"

"A tattoo."

I said it in such a nonchalant way that my father was stunned. It was almost like saying duh to him. He scoffed as he said,

"Trying to be a yakuza."

He spat the word in hatred. Yakuza being such a horrible word to say. I said nothing and continued drinking my tea as he said,

"Why would you blemish your skin like that?"

"Because it's my skin."

"Watch your tone with me Ryo! You're still in my household."

"I can just as easily leave."

I picked at my food for a moment before he said,

"Why do you bother staying then?"

I paused, looking up from my food as I said,

"I have no idea."

I got up and returned to my room, gathering my folded clothes and dropping them in my bag as I picked up my coat and got it on. As I did, I felt like I was a teenager all over again. I was once again running away. But I couldn't take it back then and I couldn't take it now. I zipped up the bag as I pulled back the screen to see my mother. I stopped as she said,

"I'll wait a few months and write to you again."

I nodded as I then hugged her and left. I walked again, after taking the long walk down the shrine steps, I arrived into the main street and walked. I got to the train station later and bought a ticket back to Tokyo. My train wouldn't arrive just yet so I sat and waited.

I got back to Tokyo almost three hours later. Two hours of waiting and the hour ride back itself. I was tired as I checked my watch, sunglasses on as I had removed my coat once I left the train. I stood in front of the station, looking at my watch as I saw it was three. I looked away, seeing a few cabs as I then reached into my pocket, withdrawing my cell phone as I called Jun. He answered with a laugh, noise in the back ground as he said,

"Yeah."

"Hey Jun. What's going on?"

"Nothing much. Having a poker game with Akio, Aoki, Aya and Toki. You?"

"I just got back from Kamakura."

"Oh? And how was that?"

"It was pointless and left more angry then I when got there."

He laughed a little as he said,

"Your tired?"

"Not really."

"Wanna stop by?"

"Nah, I'm not in the mood for poker tonight."

"Okay, I'll stop by later, we'll get dinner."

"That's fine."

"I'll call you later then."

"Okay. Later."

I hung up as I then caught a cab and went home. I called Kazuki on my way home and told him to come see me. By the time I got to my building, he was there. He smiled as he said,

"Well look at you."

"What about me?"

"Looking very, very young and unlike yourself. You should dress like that more often."

I scoffed, pressing the button for the elevator as he stood beside me and said,

"You go somewhere?"

He referred to the small carrying bag in my hand as I said,

"Yes. I just got back."

"How was it?"

"Tolerable."

He laughed as the elevator came and I got inside, him following. I got to my apartment, setting my bag in my room as I sat down with a sigh. Kazuki stood at my door way, watching me as he said,

"You seem tired."

"I'm sort of tired."

I laid down in my bed as he came up on the other side, laying down, putting his arm around me as he kissed the back of my neck. I turned to him, kissing him faintly as I then said,

"You've been smoking."

"You know I smoke."

"I know but you don't do it often."

"So I've been smoking lately."

I nodded, kissing him again as his fingers stroked over my cheek. He then said,

"I've missed this."

"Things been busy lately."

He nodded as he then looked at me seriously as he said,

"We never got further since that afternoon."

I thought back to what he meant. The first time I let him that close to me. I nodded as I said,

"You want to go further?"

"I'm not rushing...I'd like to though."

I reached up to his face, brushing back that messy hair of his as I said,

"Are you willing to invest the time?"

"How much time?"

The fact he even asked that showed he wasn't.

"However long it would take."

He thought about it. That made me even more hesitant. He then said,

"Yes. I'd invest the time."

"Why did you even think about it?"

"I wanted to make sure by what you meant by it."

I didn't really believe him. But right after that, I lost interest and I laid down and tried to nap for a while.

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Definitions

Arigato- Thank you

Giri no kyodai- Brother in law