The celebration was full to the brim with yakuza, women, smoke and liquor. I walked in a little after it started, most people already drinking. Loud music came from the first floor, where everyone mainly was. It was one of the ballrooms, tables filled with lower heads, associates and oyabuns, all drinking and laughing. Women of all races walked around, hair down, skirts short, heels high and cleavage bared. At one of the main tables, Jia sat there with Karasu, Tsubasa and Shikou. They all exchanged conversation, smoking while they held a couple of glasses around them. Around the room, Tai and Gabriel spoke to Ren while Kotei was standing beside him, but drinking something while looking off to the side, close to wandering off. The trio, was already working the crowd, females flocking them, talking giggling, treating them like kings as they sat at their own table. The rest of the top heads and all the other associates, where around the room, lower heads also standing around, talking to whatever girls were not impressed with the trio...which weren't many. I found Jun wandering in a little after I had gotten myself a drink by one of the bartenders. He sat beside me as he said,

"Hey you."

"Hi. Having fun?"

"So far my eyes are. Look at all the pretty skin."

I shrugged as I took a sip of my drink, getting use to the stronger stuff from hanging out with Jo. Hm...speaking of which...where was Baby?

"You seen Jo?"

Jun ordered a drink himself as he said,

"Yeah. He was pulling some girl in behind him to the bathroom about ten minutes ago."

"Ah. Not surprised."

Jun and I talked for a while, making conversation as we watched everyone mix with their environment. After I finished my first drink, Jun said he would be right back and wandered off. I stayed at the bar, watching Jun going to hit on some woman. I looked over at Estuya who was talking to Ai'iro and Yuki. They joked around, each of them holding a glass full of something. Jo walked in a little while later, the girl he brought with him in tow as he then came towards the bar. He ordered a drink as he took it straight and sighed as I said,

"Just starting?"

"Yeah."

He gave another sigh before ordering another drink and taking out his cigarettes. He lit one as he said,

"When did you get here?"

"Not too long ago."

He nodded as he said,

"Not having fun?"

"Not really. I never do though."

"Yeah I know. It's okay."

He lit the cigarette as he said,

"Why don't you try it?"

"Try what?"

"Gettin a girl."

I shook my head as I said,

"It's not my style."

He nodded as he said,

"True."

Once his cigarette was done, Jo wandered back off and left me to my own devices.

I watched the party as I moved around, talking to Tai, Gabriel and Ren for long periods of time. They were the only people not drinking heavily. Jun vanished so many times, I couldn't always keep track of him and the trio was getting completely wasted, Jo not too far from them. Jia was still talking to his dolls, Sozaburo, Karasu, Yuki, Jiki and any other female that would come his way, Aya stood on his own, outside in the hallway, which I thought was strange because he would at least be by Jia's side. Takeo by this point had come in and brought most of his harem with him as he sat in with the trio. Ryuhei already squeezed up to Toki. Kotei and Jo were now sharing a table as they laughed and drank together, the both of them smoking. It was going to be a long night.

It was two that morning as I sat in the hallway on my own. Aya had gone back in and sat by Jia now since Aoki was obviously busy. I sat by the window, holding one of the many drinks I had that night. I was bored and I thought about skipping out on the rest of this and going home to call Kazuki. I didn't feel right about having that much intimate contact with Toki when I was already...more or less seeing Kazuki. I knew he was nothing of mine and I was nothing of his so there was no real reason for me to even feel that way. I reached up to the loose twist I had done to my hair and pulled it loose as my hair fell down around my face. I finished up the last of my drink as I sighed, feeling a little light headed. I set the glass down, pulling my hair back as I thought to myself I was getting drunk. The music from the ballroom was starting to feel louder then usual as I decided to leave. I got up and went to look for Jun, though I knew I really couldn't find him in this massive mess of people. I looked around, asking around if my partner was around. I bumped into Jo at one point as he pulled me to his table and sat down with him as he offered me a drink.

"I think I'm getting drunk."

He laughed as he said,

"I never figured you for a lightweight."

"I don't drink that often."

Kotei took a shot of his drink as he said,

"You'll be okay."

I sighed and took the drink as I finished it, feeling a little more light headed then before. Once the glass was empty, I said,

"Did any one of you two see Jun?"

Jo shook his head as he exhaled smoke from his mouth and said,

"Nah...sorry."

Kotei finished the drink in his glass as he said,

"I thought I saw him leave with some girl."

Jo nodded as he said,

"Probably."

I sighed, getting up as I went to keep looking for him.

After about twenty minutes of searching, I grew tired and decided to just leave. I went to Jia's table to see how wasted he was, but he wasn't around anymore either. Neither was Shikou. I waved that off as I decided to tell Tai and soon I was on my way out. I buttoned my coat, checking my wallet and my cell phone as I then walked out of the ballroom and headed to the elevator. I pressed the button as I tucked my hair behind my ears, waiting patiently. I felt light headed, slightly drunk as I heard someone walking down the hall. I turned as I saw Toki.

"Hey Ghosto. Leavin?"

"Yes. I'm bored."

He put his cigarette out as he then put his arm around me and said,

"Wanna go somewhere private?"

"You're drunk."

"Actually nah. I usually get drunk near the end."

"You smell like liquor."

"I was drinkin the shit what you want?"

The elevator came up, the doors opening as he said,

"Come on...let's go somewhere private."

"No. Toki, I'm going home. I'll talk to you later."

He stopped me from going into the elevator as he kissed my cheek and said,

"Why you actin this way now?"

"I'm not, I'm just tired and I feel light headed. You're not making anything easier."

"Aw...my poor Ghosto."

He hugged me, putting his arms around me as he said,

"See we should go somewhere so you can lay down."

"I'm not laying down anywhere with you."

He laughed slightly as he kissed my forehead. I stayed there, yawning slightly as I started getting comfortable. As I did, I heard,

"I didn't know it was a private hallway."

Toki turned us slightly as I saw Jia standing there, holding a cigarette. I started to back away from Toki, but Toki didn't let go as he said,

"Nah Li, it's not. Where you been?"

"Busy."

He walked over to us as I looked down as Jia kissed Toki on the cheek as he said,

"You comin home tonight?"

"Prolly."

"Okay."

"Goin back in?"

"Yeah. Gotta find Tsu."

"One doll then the other huh Li?"

Jia nudged him as he said,

"I'll see you later."

After Jia left, I blinked a couple times and said,

"Okay...that was the weirdest thing ever."

"Why? He knows how I feel about you."

"It's awkward for me."

"Ah..."

He still held me tight and said,

"So...if you don't wanna head up to one of the rooms, wanna head back to your place?"

"No."

"No what? No to your place or no to the hotel room?"

"No to both."

"Aw...don't be that way. I love you."

With his fingers in my hair, his arms around me, me feeling slightly comfortable in his embrace, I sighed and said,

"Love you too."

When the elevator came back, the doors opening, Toki walked us in and pressed a button. Once the doors closed, I looked up at him, blinking softly as if sleepy when his lips pressed up against mine. Through mumbles and his meshed lips, I heard his soft declaration of love. I closed my eyes kissing back as his hand held the back of my head as his fingers curled through my hair, his other hand on my cheek, his thumb near our mouths. I kissed back just as passionately and as I did, I lost all my senses.

The last time we snuck into a hotel room, Jo was just starting out as one of the top heads. He was getting involved in his first party and he had gotten so drunk, he wandered into one of the empty rooms and crashed. At the same time, Toki was just as drunk. Back then he didn't need to convince me to sneak into a hotel room with him so we went and unknowingly arrived to the same room Jo was sound asleep in. We didn't know Jo was there until I saw him sitting up beside us. This time we locked the door and as Toki undressed the both of us, he kept asking me if I was all right with this. He didn't want to force or pressure me into anything. I kept nodding, saying yes, saying it was fine and within moments, I was right back where I started. I would never learn, I would never grow enough of a backbone to tell Toki to leave me alone. I could be as strong as I want to when it comes to my job but when Toki looks my way, I always, always break. I'm a sad and sorry excuse. But there I was, having sex with him again. At the time, all I could do was feel. Just feeling him again, his hands on my hips, my waist, my thighs, my hair acting as a curtain as it fell around the both of us. I heard him telling me to moan for him since I still held back though my eyes were shut and my hands clenched tightly to his shirt. We kissed as parted my lips slightly, feeling his teeth bite down on my lower lip. I sucked on his upper lip as he moaned softly. I couldn't believe I was back to this, back to doing this, being so fucking weak. It felt so good though. His hand came up to my throat, rubbing my neck softly as we looked at each other, me sitting on his lap as I moved. I leaned my head back as I felt the inevitable his hand sliding down my throat as he said,

"Moan for me baby."

Without a single thought, I opened my mouth and moaned. I fell back on him, feeling heavy but boneless as he panted close to my face. He leaned back, taking me with him as he rubbed my back through my shirt which I had kept on. I felt my body shaking as I opened my eyes, his hand on my waist, his other on my back as he tried catching his breath. We didn't say anything for a while as I moved my hands to his shoulders and picked myself up as I looked a him. He reached his hand to my face as he smiled and said,

"You okay?"

I nodded, leaning towards his hand as I said,

"I needed that."

"You should have said somethin sooner."

"You just broke me."

"How?"

"I can't explain. But you did."

He didn't say anything as he said,

"Tell me you love me."

I sighed slightly before saying,

"I love you."

"Love you too."

I got dressed a little later, feeling sore and tense as I sat back down on the bed. As I started gathering my hair up, I felt his hands on my mine, his own fingers grasping strands as he helped me. I tied it loosely, long strands still falling as I turned slightly and he offered me a cigarette. I thanked him, taking it as he lit it for me and then laid down to light his own. As I exhaled, I said,

"How many girls did you fuck before me?"

"One. Really early. So I still got like a shit load of condoms in my pocket."

I shook my head as he said,

"You?"

"You know it's not my style."

He rubbed my arm, taking my hand as he said,

"You goin home?"

"Yeah. I wanted to earlier."

He nodded as he said,

"I'll take you home."

"What about the party?"

"Is only three. By the time I get back it'll only be four."

"Doesn't the party usually end at four?"

"Nah, close to five."

"You don't have to."

"Is okay. Is jus a party. Not like I haven't been to one before."

Once we finished, I made myself as presentable as I could as we left. Toki accompanied me to my door, gave me one more kiss and then left. I went to bed.

We were only in New York for a couple of days more. During that time, I hardly got out of bed. Mostly because I had nowhere to go and I was feeling sore since it had been way too long since my last time. But other factors kept me in bed. I was worried about what others would see in me now. I was worried about what I thought of myself. I hated myself for so many reasons and I knew once I returned to Tokyo, I couldn't dwell on myself and self loathing so I tried to get it all out of my system now. When I got the phone call that we were going back to Tokyo soon, I finally got out of bed and took a long over due shower. Once I stepped out, my robe on, a towel over my head as I dried my hair, I looked at the mirror, now fogged over. I reached up to it, rubbing it clear as I stared at my reflection. I looked the same, except a few fading kissing marks, a few new ones on the skin of my neck. My bottom lip slightly swollen. Nothing else about me had changed except that my eyes seemed alive. I noticed their color, now a softer brown...almost as if I had them the whole time. I was alive. I turned away and went to get dressed. I tried to go back to my normal self and place my normal mask of ice in place but I could help but feel different. I caught myself smiling slightly every now and then and I knew I couldn't let anyone see me like that. By the time we were ready to leave, I had collected myself and I was ready to go. At the airport, as we all gathered, Tai going around, checking to see who was accounted for, Toki and Jia arrived. Jia and Tai talked, going over a few things as Toki walked past me, his hand brushing by mine as he looked at me over his shoulder and then went to stand by Jia. I sighed to myself, but my face didn't change. I only looked forward to seeing Kazuki once I returned.