A Child's Voice
Daniel eyed Kat questioningly as he held the tape
recorder.
"My birthday was last week, Mama. Why did you get
another present?"
"Danny, hon, you know your Aunt Trina told me what
happened with Mr. Fisher right?"
"Unhuh." He turned away slightly, unable to meet her
gaze. Kat sighed as the little boy seemed to withdrawal
from her. He flinched as she touched his hair gently.
"Baby, you didn't do anything wrong. Fisher was wrong,
not you." She opened a pack of tapes and put one into
the recorder. "I know you don't feel safe yet kiddo. I
know how much you're still hurting, but you don't want
to talk about it with anyone yet, right?"
Daniel nodded, clutching at his cat Bear, who had become
his safety blanket since his attack at his former foster
father's hands. Bear gave a soft squeak of protest as
the embrace became a little too tight, but he made no
move to get away.
"Ok, I understand that Daniel. More than you'll ever
know, but you can't keep all those feelings locked
inside. You're a talker kiddo. You need to talk like you
need to breath. I thought maybe you'd feel better if you
at least talked about it with yourself first. Maybe just
to get things out of that brilliant little brain of
yours and out into the open. Then maybe when you have
things a little clearer with yourself, you'll be ready
to talk to someone else."
Daniel chewed his lip thoughtfully. He did realize that
he needed something, but what he didn't know. He'd tried
talking to Bear, but somehow that didn't seem to be
enough. His fingers traced the machine gently.
"I...I'll try Mama, I just...you promise you won't
listen in?"
Kat smiled softly. "I promise baby. I won't listen to
the tapes unless you want me to."
"Can I talk about anything I want?"
"You use it however you'd like. This is just for you
kiddo."
"Ok, I'll try Mama."
Danny stared at the machine sitting on the table in his
bedroom. Finally, after several days of uncertainty, he
decided it was time. It had been a really rough day, but
this time he needed to talk about it. He pushed the
record key hesitantly.
"Hi, this is Danny. This feels funny, I'm talking to
myself. I wonder how I sound.
Mama went out with George again today. They've been
going out alot. I guess it's ok. I like him and all, I
just don't want to lose my Mama. I don't want her to
forget about me. Aunt Trina always tells me I'm the most
important thing in Mama's life, but I'm not sure I
believe her. How can I be that important to her? Robert
at school says Mama just wants the money the state gives
her for taking care of me. I don't think that is true.
Mama has too much money already. I heard Trina tell
someone that Mama inherited all the money from her
father when he died. Trina didn't get any cause Mama and
her didn't have the same Dad. I think Robert is just
mean. He pushed Lizzy off the swings just to see her
cry. He hits me too. Every time he walks by me at school
he smacks me on the back of the head and calls me
teacher's pet. Today I got a nosebleed when he did it
and I had to go to the nurse. She was gonna call Mama,
but I told her not to. I didn't want Mama mad if she had
to come get me at school. She finally let me go back to
class though. I just wish Robert would leave me alone."
Daniel laid the tape recorder down again. He sat two
books on top so Kat wouldn't know he had used it, then
he went outside to ride his bike.
"It's me again. I wanted to be sure Mama didn't listen
to the tapes while I was gone so I hid it under a couple
of books and put some papers on top. When I got out of
school today, everything was just like I left it, so I
guess Mama's keeping hr promise. I had to be sure
though. Some grown-ups don't keep their promises. I
remember Aunt Trina promised Jeremy wouldn't come back
but he did. I wish I was big enough to hurt him. I've
been in the hospital two times now because of him and
let me tell you, it was no fun.
I don't remember alot about the first time. I only
remember Jeremy getting really mad and hitting me over
and over. He used his belt at first, then his hands and
then finally his fists. That's all I remember, getting
hit over and over. I know Trina stopped him, but I don't
remember that part. I know it hurt. My arm hurt and my
whole body hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did
inside. I really wanted Jeremy to like me. I wanted a
new Mom and Dad so maybe I could quit missing my old
ones. I just want my real Mom and Dad to hold me again.
I love my Mama Kat, really, but I want MY Mom to hold me
and love me again. I wish they hadn't gone away...I wish
I could be with them again. i...I just want my Mommy..."
Daniel woke up gasping for air. He was terrified. He
reached for the recorder.
"I saw it didn't I? I saw my Mommy and Daddy die. I
screamed over and over. Somone came and pushed me away
from them. A mean lady told me to shut up so they could
help my parents. So I did. They took them away, but they
forgot about me. They all forgot about me. There was so
much blood everywhere. My Mommy's blood. The cover stone
hit Daddy too, but he didn't bleed, he just stopped
breathing, but Mommy...there was so much blood."
Daniel shut off the recorder and clutched Bear to him.
His bitter tears soaked the cat's soft fur, but Bear
just purred louder and batted at his human's face gently
with his paws. Kat knocked gently at the door, then
seeing the tears pouring down the boys face, she
gathered him into a tight embrace. They moved to the
rocker and rocked together for hours, Kat holding him
and whispering to him softly. Finally the exhausted boy
fell into a restless sleep.
"George came over today. He took Mama and I out to eat.
We went to the King Dragon. I like it there. I can eat
everything I want and then get more if I want. I
remember when I stayed with Mrs. Eldon, she got mad
whenever I ate. I was allowed one sandwich after school
and a glass of water, but no more. Weekends I would get
so hungry, but I wasn't allowed extra food, just a
sandwich and a glass of water. Aunt Trina took me away
from there when she found out. I was kinda glad about
that one.
You know, I was really mad at Trina when Jeremy hurt me
at the mall, but I think I'm not so mad anymore. She
looks so sad when she talks about Jeremy. Mama gets mad,
but Trina gets sad. I don't like to see Trina sad. She's
helped me so many times. I think I'll tell her I'm not
mad anymore. I think she really does love me, its not
just words. I know Mama loves me too. Did you know she
watches me sleep sometimes? She wants to make sure to be
there if I have bad dreams. I've seen her watching me
from the rocker sometimes at night and I've woke up
before and found her sleeping there. I feel safe when
she's with me. Maybe I'll tell her that. Maybe she'll
stop being sad too."
"Mama went to see Jimmy at the cemetery today. She said
it was his birthday. He would have been 10. She misses
him so much. When I first came here I thought she missed
him so much she would hurt herself. She used to sleep
with his picture in bed with her, but she doesn't do
that anymore. I know she tried to adopt me, but my
Grandpa Nick wouldn't let her. He did make her my
guardian though and she days that no one can take me
away from her now. I'm glad. I never want to be away
from Mama. I love her. I want her to love me too. I
think she does. Robert said the money thing again today,
so I kicked him. I know he's lying. I got sent to the
office, but I didn't care. I won't let him lie about my
Mama again."
"It's Mama's birthday today. I went shopping with George
and he picked her out a really pretty ring. I think
she'll really like it. George and I talked for a long
time. He told me he really loves Mama and me. He wanted
to know if I was ok with them dating. I told him I was.
I thought at the time I was lying, but then when we got
home I realized it wasn't a lie. I really do like him.
He takes us places and he never forgets about me. I saw
him kiss Mama and she looked really happy. I like it
like this. I feel real good about it. George was gonna
help me buy a present for Mama today, but I think I
already know what I'm gonna give her. I'm not afraid
anymore. Mama would never laugh at my feelings or try to
hurt me. She loves me too much. I'll wait til George
leaves to give her her present though. This one's just
for us."
Daniel knocked at Kat's door and entered her room
hesitantly. She looked confused as he handed her the
package. He smiled gently and inserted the first tape.
"It's time Mama. I feel safe." He pushed the play button
"Hi this is Danny..."
The End
